Getting Somewhere

I've just seen the first draft of my artists book and I love it! I'm so excited about it again. A great end to a long hard day. Full credit to Adrian Riley, Electric Angel, for a sterling job!

I'm going to New York in the autumn – a research trip, funded by ACE and supported by A.I. R gallery… I'm feeling a bit nervous about it now, because I suffer with dysgeographica (geographical dyslexia – I even get lost in buildings that I have worked in for years, public toilets, my home town). Yesterday I spent a frustrating and humiliating half hour pacing round a multi storey car park (probably going in circles, but I can't be sure as my sense of direction is so limited).

I keep thinking I might start to document some of my lost experiences.

It's so distressing though – I get really panicky and feel genuinely worried that I might never find where I want to go. It's almost hopeless asking for advice, as I can't apply what they say to the actual road. Maps are the same – they make sense as maps, but don't seem to relate to the actual road. It's like trying to understand a complex philosophical or mathematical theory – I see how it could make sense, but have no idea of how to apply it in a real situation. If I arrive at a junction from a different direction, I don't know where I am. How am I going to do New York?!!

I think it's time this blog got back to the art – I'm quite happy to go off at an interesting tangent, but I think I might lose sight of the purpose of the exercise.

I'm in an in-between stage, trying to decide which ideas to follow next. I've got a week set aside for filming myself opening 2 boxes of my old belongings that my mother packaged up and gave me 10 years ago. I've never looked in the boxes since.

I feel I need to revisit all my notes about recent progress, to set the scene in my head before I do it. Here's a selection of my unedited notes, in the order they popped into my head;

My over arching intention is to explore how we become who we are, with reference to feminist theory – I am experimenting with different methods of investigating this – conversations, blogging, writing, desk based research, making images and installations.

I am looking for ways to understand issues of identity and gender roles in domestic situations more deeply,. I use a range of methods to do this;

fantasy inventions, imagining different ways that women might respond to this predicament (eg. What the Chamber Maid Saw).

blogging about my experiences as a way of observing and instigating changes in my own situation.

I get into character for doing the school run, and observe myself breathing life into the role. This in itself is a creative process.

The process of making the work, reflects the content. This self reflexive approach is fascinating and suffocating.

I try to tune into the details – details are what connect us – I remember the way someone moves their eyes when they speak, or their hands – this is how we see life. I try to go beyond the overlooked familiar and find information in the details of the dirt, dust and detritus we leave behind.

I look for clues about people's private and public identity as symbiotic qualities. I consider this in terms of 'truth', 'fact' and 'memory' – all of which are shifting and unstable, and yet somehow determine our sense of identity.

I like the voyeuristic quality to my work. It is in some ways a side effect of what I do, although it may also be the major factor. We are compelled to peer into lit windows at night time, and gain an internal sense of satisfaction and power from doing so. I enjoy the feeling of power from provoking this need in others, and the ambiguity about the 'truth' of what I am presenting.

Writing lists, keeping records of all the domestic planning and co-ordinating

I plan to develop my own time-use study on Twitter

Initiating a new network for parents who are artists – APT = Artists Parents Talking

I've been reading Valerie Bryson's paper on time use studies again. It's set me thinking about the fact that as a parent I am always on call, never off duty. It's more a matter of the degree of responsibility. As Valerie points out, even sleeping involves childcare, as a child is liable to wake up and need something at any point, and I have to be in a fit state to deal with it.

Here's my sliding scale of responsibility. 0 is completely carefree and 9 is total attention to children.

when I am asleep 1

when they are asleep and I am in the house 2

when they are asleep and I am out, but nearby 3

when I am away overnight and partner is in charge 2

once, when I was in Kyrgyzstan with no phone, email or other contact with home 0

during school hours 3 (need mobile phone on and need to ensure I or someone else can collect sickly children/ do the school run).

first thing in the morning 7

any time when children are experiencing extreme emotions (ill, upset, in the school play, excited)- 9

This is probably boring for you, so I'll stop there. but fascinating for me. I might see if partner will do it, so we can compare approaches. hmmm. might cause a row, so will have to be careful how to approach this.

I think APT should talk about planning a NAN application – the deadline is drawing near, and it would be great for a few of us to get together – use the money for travel, venue and childcare (or bring kids along and work around them), and have a gathering.

Perhaps in the middle of the country somewhere central for everyone – maybe in a bunk barn or other cheap self catering accomodation for an overnighter? – I always think conversations change tone and relax in the evening (possibly something to do with opening wine, but not necessarily)

Maybe there's a sympathetic gallery, exhibition, or other organisation we could visit – all suggestions welcome, but we'll need to get our skates on and divide some of the jobs up I think.