Getting Somewhere

Ps. Keep forgetting to mention – I decided not to rush ahead with a NAN application for APT = Artists Parents Talking. I've had tons of ideas about what we might do, but I'd like to develop the conversation through the a-n forum (when it's set up) then apply to ACE and NAN together for a more substantial fund to develop the network strategically.

I keep wanting to forge ahead more quickly, but I know from experience that it's better to be patient and do things properly.

I forgot my 'two year theory' in my excitement. (every project takes two years to do, so get your head round it, keep working at it, accept it and remember that 'Rome wasn't etc etc')

I keep feeling like I should be doing more in my studio. Despite my ACE funding, designed to enable a 'sustained period of studio time', I still feel my practice is fractured and 'bitty'. The money has relieved the pressure to earn money to some extent, but I still can't turn down freelance opportunities that may be lucrative, or lead to further work – and I still have a family to care for. It's just been half term AGAIN – I feel like they are never at school lately!

To some extent I think I am more focussed and driven than I have ever been, as a direct result of having children. But I can't help wondering if approaching my making through a series of short bursts of energy, (rather than in a natural timescale, where one works on a job until it is appropriate to leave it) must affect the end result.

I think I need to organise a couple of days soon where I can just stay in the studio until I'm ready to leave, rather than when the alarm sounds – I literally do set an alarm, that gives me precisely 3 minutes to get out of the studio and on the road, which means I arrive at the school gate in a distracted state, but allows me to squeeze every drop out of the time.

I've just seen the first draft of my artists book and I love it! I'm so excited about it again. A great end to a long hard day. Full credit to Adrian Riley, Electric Angel, for a sterling job!

I'm going to New York in the autumn – a research trip, funded by ACE and supported by A.I. R gallery… I'm feeling a bit nervous about it now, because I suffer with dysgeographica (geographical dyslexia – I even get lost in buildings that I have worked in for years, public toilets, my home town). Yesterday I spent a frustrating and humiliating half hour pacing round a multi storey car park (probably going in circles, but I can't be sure as my sense of direction is so limited).

I keep thinking I might start to document some of my lost experiences.

It's so distressing though – I get really panicky and feel genuinely worried that I might never find where I want to go. It's almost hopeless asking for advice, as I can't apply what they say to the actual road. Maps are the same – they make sense as maps, but don't seem to relate to the actual road. It's like trying to understand a complex philosophical or mathematical theory – I see how it could make sense, but have no idea of how to apply it in a real situation. If I arrive at a junction from a different direction, I don't know where I am. How am I going to do New York?!!

I think it's time this blog got back to the art – I'm quite happy to go off at an interesting tangent, but I think I might lose sight of the purpose of the exercise.

I'm in an in-between stage, trying to decide which ideas to follow next. I've got a week set aside for filming myself opening 2 boxes of my old belongings that my mother packaged up and gave me 10 years ago. I've never looked in the boxes since.

I feel I need to revisit all my notes about recent progress, to set the scene in my head before I do it. Here's a selection of my unedited notes, in the order they popped into my head;

My over arching intention is to explore how we become who we are, with reference to feminist theory – I am experimenting with different methods of investigating this – conversations, blogging, writing, desk based research, making images and installations.

I am looking for ways to understand issues of identity and gender roles in domestic situations more deeply,. I use a range of methods to do this;

fantasy inventions, imagining different ways that women might respond to this predicament (eg. What the Chamber Maid Saw).

blogging about my experiences as a way of observing and instigating changes in my own situation.

I get into character for doing the school run, and observe myself breathing life into the role. This in itself is a creative process.

The process of making the work, reflects the content. This self reflexive approach is fascinating and suffocating.

I try to tune into the details – details are what connect us – I remember the way someone moves their eyes when they speak, or their hands – this is how we see life. I try to go beyond the overlooked familiar and find information in the details of the dirt, dust and detritus we leave behind.

I look for clues about people's private and public identity as symbiotic qualities. I consider this in terms of 'truth', 'fact' and 'memory' – all of which are shifting and unstable, and yet somehow determine our sense of identity.

I like the voyeuristic quality to my work. It is in some ways a side effect of what I do, although it may also be the major factor. We are compelled to peer into lit windows at night time, and gain an internal sense of satisfaction and power from doing so. I enjoy the feeling of power from provoking this need in others, and the ambiguity about the 'truth' of what I am presenting.

Writing lists, keeping records of all the domestic planning and co-ordinating

I plan to develop my own time-use study on Twitter

Initiating a new network for parents who are artists – APT = Artists Parents Talking