Getting Somewhere

I've been embroiled in a period of questioning and doubt. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it – 'know your enemy' and all that.

I think it goes like this:

1. dash around like a blue arsed fly for a few weeks, work 12 hour days, travel a lot, lose the thread with how your children are, maintain relations with partner in terms logistics of delivering and collecting children appropriately, accumulate 8 tons of dirty washing in all corners of the house, eat cereal late at night for dinner, prepare crap packed lunches for children (dry bread and cheese and an apple and water).

2. Feel bad.

3. Stop dashing around, and attempt to launch straight into the planned studio week in order to feel better.

4. Still can't find the school letter, a clean pair of socks or remember to buy any toothpaste, and it's a week since the Busy Spell ended.

5. Feel bad

6. spend the studio week remembering what the hell I was thinking about last time I was working on my art. Decide those ideas are all embarassingly shit.

7. Tidy the studio. It's Thursday already.

8.Give in to the 'What a waste of a week ' guilt trip that is so popular with me lately. Feel bad

9.need to make some decisions, take control of my working pattern, get on with it. Spend two days thinking and planning (accompanied by the internal 'what a waste of time' mantra – I doggedly ignore it, writing lists is always my salvation.

10. Go to a preview. Evereyone else seems to be doing better than me. Don't even know what I think about the art in the show – what's that about?

11. Feel bad

12. Start to write Interim report for ACE. Feel totally overwhelmed.

13. Think about my work, how to make it better. Will I ever have another idea? Have I lost it? How do you know which idea is the good one? How do you know when it's good art and when it's crap? How do you choose which way to take your idea?

14. Take control. Enlist help from mentors. Meet Rebecca in Manchester. She's ace, and seems to understand. I feel comforted, even while I feel intimidated by all her achievements and reassurances.

15. Take down 'Left Behind' from Scarborough Art Gallery. The comments book is littered with compliments. Hurrah, these people have finally recognised my genius. Elation.

16. Drive home with it all packed up in the car. Remember the projected image of me, trapped in her little routine for three months in the corner of the coffee lounge. It's alright now I think, you're not Left Behind. You're in the car coming home with me. We'll find a new adventure for you in West Yorkshire.

17. Feel a bit better. Phew.

if you had all the freedom and no restriction, what would the most fulfilling experience be?

I feel like I inhabit the edges of my life instead of the core at the moment.

Nothing to report.

Starting to feel self conscious about having nothing whatsoever to say about anything. just busy and tired.

Just got back from a brilliant week in a bunk barn in South West Lakes. Bought 4 raw fleeces from the farmer, so got a big job ahead to process the wool – never done it before, although I got some idea what to do when I was in Kyrgyzstan.

I'm back in the studio reviewing what happened last time. After all that wittering on, I am pleased to say I got stuck into a new big project instead of making a scarf. Getting started is always the hardest bit, so at least now I've got something to sit and stare at and respond to.

I seem to do lots of displacement activities (is that the right term for it?) – buying new materials, researching processes, reading related stuff, the time never seems right to actually start making.

Then all of a sudden it will take off and I won't be able to stop til I drop. I'm not at that stage yet though – I'm making a felt house (about the size of a garden gazebo), and am doing lots of research about how to put text and drawings onto the felt. Also continuing experiments with varied translucency/density of felt and projected video. I feel lucky to be an artist today.

I just want to say that I've also had some wonderful moments recently in relation to making art. I saw Pipilotti Rist at FACT which set my mind firing off in lots of directions – loved it : I've had a good response from Wendy Clews, (Director of Create in Scarborough) to my proposal for a new installation in a hotel room for Coastival: I've got an idea for my next piece of work as part of my ACE funded research and am looking forward to collaborating with Rob McKay, sound artist as part of this research. Maybe I should stop being such a moaning old bag and enjoy this time of plenty while it's here!