Lots and nothing happening at the moment. Went to see MA show in Leeds, and Cy Twombly and RA shows in London. These trips stimulated new thoughts, and opened my world again a bit – need to do this regularly.
Spending more time than normal staring into space or simulating busyness, or redesigning my lists of tasks, none of which makes me feel particularly satisfied, but is quite compulsive behaviour. Then – the odd breakthrough, a movement into activity…
started collecting bits of….. hmm, not sure how to describe this – things like stray eyelashes, bogeys, flap of skin from a blister… are they bits of body? traces we leave behind, evidence of experiences, stains… I got some tiny resealable clear bags and an index card system to record them. My camera is in my studio and the work is at home, so will get a photo organised soon.
Today was totally rubbish. It's true you should be careful what you wish for, because I've just had three uninterupted days to devote to my studio practise, and it culminated in a guilt ridden grump of a day, doing nothing useful and feeling bad about it. no pleasing some people…
I spent a day filming the performance element of 'Left Behind' at Scarborough Art Gallery on Monday. What a day! It came hot on the heels of a wedding and late night partying on Saturday, in the Midlands (on my own with the girls' as partner was ill), and a birthday party in Scarborough for eldest daughter on Sunday. Felt really tired and disorientated, and fired up with nerves and adrenalin. My long suffering partner (who would marry an artist?) got off his sick bed and travelled to Scarborough to help with all the technical stuff and document the process.
I characteristically bounced between the full range of emotions at a rate of knots, while he ignored everything but the stuff relevant to the job in hand. It's an impressive skill he has developed, to avoid getting sucked into the drama, while I veer from thinking this is the best piece I've ever made, to thinking it's such a failure I'm embarassed to show it. Hopefully it's somewhere in the middle and will all be fine in the end.
You know that feeling you have when you just 'can't put your finger on it'? I'm really enjoying that feeling today.
Here are some of the thoughts that drift through my mind when I am working on ‘Left Behind’… (it’s difficult to remember many of my thoughts, like when you wake from a dream and it dissolves before you grasp it, but I see this as a sign that I have let go of my logical thought processes, and I welcome that) –
the debris that gets left behind by our activities (dust, stains, dirt) – aspirations and daydreams as we wash the dirt and sweat, out of our clothes, making them anonymous and empty again – longing – wiping surfaces, tears, bottoms – creating order out of chaos, totally fulfilled – trapped in a loop of repetitive activity, feeling angry resentful and bitter – clean, scrub, fret about stains, worry what judgements others will make – houseproud means wholesome – cleaning is pointless circular – trying to remove evidence – trying to reach the other side– to feel in control – linked to generations of housewives who clear it all up – invisible workforce of cleaners who remove all traces of our time in our offices, on trains and buses, in cafes and restaurants, at cinemas – get rid of anything that reveals vulnerability – messy drippy tears, snot bubbles, leaky bladders, crumbs – don’t make a fuss – wash your face you’ll feel better – if you pretend you are ok, you are ok.
