I've been embroiled in a period of questioning and doubt. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it – 'know your enemy' and all that.
I think it goes like this:
1. dash around like a blue arsed fly for a few weeks, work 12 hour days, travel a lot, lose the thread with how your children are, maintain relations with partner in terms logistics of delivering and collecting children appropriately, accumulate 8 tons of dirty washing in all corners of the house, eat cereal late at night for dinner, prepare crap packed lunches for children (dry bread and cheese and an apple and water).
2. Feel bad.
3. Stop dashing around, and attempt to launch straight into the planned studio week in order to feel better.
4. Still can't find the school letter, a clean pair of socks or remember to buy any toothpaste, and it's a week since the Busy Spell ended.
5. Feel bad
6. spend the studio week remembering what the hell I was thinking about last time I was working on my art. Decide those ideas are all embarassingly shit.
7. Tidy the studio. It's Thursday already.
8.Give in to the 'What a waste of a week ' guilt trip that is so popular with me lately. Feel bad
9.need to make some decisions, take control of my working pattern, get on with it. Spend two days thinking and planning (accompanied by the internal 'what a waste of time' mantra – I doggedly ignore it, writing lists is always my salvation.
10. Go to a preview. Evereyone else seems to be doing better than me. Don't even know what I think about the art in the show – what's that about?
11. Feel bad
12. Start to write Interim report for ACE. Feel totally overwhelmed.
13. Think about my work, how to make it better. Will I ever have another idea? Have I lost it? How do you know which idea is the good one? How do you know when it's good art and when it's crap? How do you choose which way to take your idea?
14. Take control. Enlist help from mentors. Meet Rebecca in Manchester. She's ace, and seems to understand. I feel comforted, even while I feel intimidated by all her achievements and reassurances.
15. Take down 'Left Behind' from Scarborough Art Gallery. The comments book is littered with compliments. Hurrah, these people have finally recognised my genius. Elation.
16. Drive home with it all packed up in the car. Remember the projected image of me, trapped in her little routine for three months in the corner of the coffee lounge. It's alright now I think, you're not Left Behind. You're in the car coming home with me. We'll find a new adventure for you in West Yorkshire.
17. Feel a bit better. Phew.
