I haven’t written for a couple of weeks. College work has felt disjointed and unproductive, combined with a busy timetable of artists talks and seminars, I feel that I have been unsuccessfully trying to absorb lots of information (brain not working very well). In addition I’m anxious about my own expectations of my work and the inevitable changes that are about to take place – will I produce the work I really want to make in the run up to the degree show? Will I find paid work and manage to strike a balance between family life, studio time and work commitments? Trying to pre-empt things like this really doesn’t help though does it. I can only do what I think is right for me – I will have to be patient and accept this period of transition willingly and calmly (aghh!).
Today ‘stillness’ has been thrust upon me – my son is off school feeling really grotty and snuggled up under his duvet on the sofa! So I’m sitting here beside him (having first administered TLC and medicine of course!) and am at last feeling contemplative rather than anxious about my progress.
I’m thinking about the work I want to do once I have graduated. I’m telling myself that I must make it clear to those around me that part of my weekly routine will be spent involved with my practice – not earning money or making meals or cleaning up. Perhaps I’m writing this an insurance policy against letting my time get eroded by the daily demands of life. But there’s something more important at stake here for me and its about integrity.
I have always been a people pleaser – and I’m really good at it! Taught by my mother – who excelled in the art when she was looking after the family.
One of the problems of this role however is that you never get quite what you want out of life – the needs and wants of others always seeming more compelling and important than your own. Whilst its very satisfying in some ways, people-pleasing also makes so much of what you do feel superficial. Some years ago after having a ‘challenging time’ I went to see a counselor who said that my people pleasing had turned me into a performing seal! She was right you know – doing this and that at each command but never really doing anything for myself. This I realise is the next challenge for me – to recoginise that the things I want to talk about in my practice are the antithesis of superficiality; and that in order to be taken seriously I need to take myself and my work seriously (no more performing seal business). Keeping my integrity.
