Adoption and Identity

I have recently become aware that this is the first time I have included text in my work. Already I feel encouraged by this development because it is having an influence over my ideas.

Over the past few decades text has played an important role in many other artist’s work, particularly women. Tracey Emin and Louise Bourgeios use it to relive traumatic moments in their lives in order that they can lay to rest the ghosts that haunt them.

Legendary artist Tracey Emin is well-known for communicating aspects of her personal history, not only whilst working in the studio, but also her ‘accomplishments’ outside it. Her antics have brought her notoriety, but there can be no doubt that her artistic expression comes from a deep desire to survive and ‘live to tell the tale’, through her work. In Strangeland, her book of revealing memoirs Emin describes her first abortion in harrowing detail. At its core is the heart-wrenching realisation that she is taking away a life, Emin describes it as, ‘a life that I could have loved forever’, but she very decisively chose not to. She has publically declared on many occasions that she does not regret her decision to abort her baby. I admire her audacity, I could never be that brave to stand up and be that honest! The fact remains; she will never forget.

In Baby Things (1998) Emin explores the subject of teenage pregnancy. The work consists of a collection of baby clothes cast in bronze. They were placed separately in various locations around the town of Folkstone in Kent. Emin may deny it, but there appears a glimmer of remorse in these tiny works.

For Louise Bourgeois the ensuing sense of hatred and abandonment she endured following the news of her father’s infidelity featured prominently in many of her works, the most obvious being Destruction of the Father; a sculptural work depicting her memory of loathsome mealtimes around the family dining table. The food on the table is substituted by a heaving mass of plastic boils that are at the point of erupting and this communicates the anger and disgust she felt towards her father.

The point I am trying to make is, that our experiences mould us and ultimately it will be how I choose to respond to the consequences of my birth.

Reflecting on these issues has helped me regain some understanding and perspective of my personal issues and provideded a way forward for my practice.

Thinking about the words my birth mother wrote before I was born has impacted on me now, as an adult and being a mother myself. Perusing old photographs is another way of attempting to make some sense of it all, but there is always restlessness within me. The truth and its consequences are something I will never be able to come to terms with.

After compiling ‘Open Secret’ I made a sketch of one of the images…

The photographs are a starting point for exploration and I will be using them in a more abstract way to express my feelings on the subject of my identity whilst including the thoughts of others in the same situation.

This is a painting I have recently finished and based on one of my photographic images of chains and how they are linked. This was a reflection on how families are able to bond together.

It may come as no surprise that when adoptees are asked about their experiences, the same words and phrases are repeated over and over again. This is also evident from two books I have recently been browsing Being Adopted, The Lifelong Search for Self and Silent Embrace, Perspectives on Birth and Adoption.

The books examine the adoption process from the perspective of all the individuals involved in the ‘adoption triangle’ (the birth mother, the adoptee and the adoptive parents).

What is striking is the breadth of sentiments expressed, ranging from abandonment and loss to forgiveness and love.

For many, the experience of being told or just knowing that they were adopted, remains a trauma they are unable to come to terms with, whilst others jog along and try to hide how they feel. What is clear for many of us, myself included is this, is that we secretly carry the knowledge that we don’t quite belong anywhere. Although this feeling sometimes eases if we are fortunate to go on and have children of our own.

Meeting and maintaining a relationship with birth parents is not always successful and for some the outcome is more heartache and tragedy; the fact is, we never feel that we truly fit in, either with our adoptive family or our birth families. I have come to accept that blame cannot be laid at anyone’s door, our human relationships and experiences are complex and ultimately we are responsible for our own actions and we all make mistakes.

I have always had a fear of upsetting my parents and felt guilty for wanting to know more. No more information about my background was ever offered and I had the sense that I should be content and grateful for my parents adopting me. What has been a revelation to me in the books I described earlier is the realization, and to some extent consolation that I am not alone in my feelings. The fact that other adoptees share many of the same thoughts has helped me regain some perspective of my own situation. However, I am still forced to ‘keep a lid on it’ in order to protect all involved and it wasn’t until my mid-twenties and, in secrecy that I pursued the search for my birth mother.

My aim is to express some of the feelings of all those involved in the adoption process, hoping at the same time to disperse some of my negativity and allow me to ‘lay to rest some of the ghosts of my past’.

Open Secret

At the very beginning of this project the words ‘link’ and ‘connections’ periodically crept into my thoughts. ‘Open Secret’ began to emerge whilst on a walk. When out walking and passing a boat yard I became aware that most of the boating paraphernalia lying around always appeared to be connected to something else and that was when I decided to take a series of photographs showing these connections.

I have been re-reading some letters my birth mother wrote to my adoptive mother during her pregnancy. They show the desperation as well as the hope and belief that her baby will be provided and well cared for when she finally hands it over to the adoptive parents. I extracted specific phases from the letters and juxtaposed them with my images, already the album has provoked other ideas and associations which I am working on. The handmade album is not only a personal connection to me, but an abstract of the complex decisions any single young mother has to make when giving her baby up for adoption.