It may come as no surprise that when adoptees are asked about their experiences, the same words and phrases are repeated over and over again. This is also evident from two books I have recently been browsing Being Adopted, The Lifelong Search for Self and Silent Embrace, Perspectives on Birth and Adoption.
The books examine the adoption process from the perspective of all the individuals involved in the ‘adoption triangle’ (the birth mother, the adoptee and the adoptive parents).
What is striking is the breadth of sentiments expressed, ranging from abandonment and loss to forgiveness and love.
For many, the experience of being told or just knowing that they were adopted, remains a trauma they are unable to come to terms with, whilst others jog along and try to hide how they feel. What is clear for many of us, myself included is this, is that we secretly carry the knowledge that we don’t quite belong anywhere. Although this feeling sometimes eases if we are fortunate to go on and have children of our own.
Meeting and maintaining a relationship with birth parents is not always successful and for some the outcome is more heartache and tragedy; the fact is, we never feel that we truly fit in, either with our adoptive family or our birth families. I have come to accept that blame cannot be laid at anyone’s door, our human relationships and experiences are complex and ultimately we are responsible for our own actions and we all make mistakes.
I have always had a fear of upsetting my parents and felt guilty for wanting to know more. No more information about my background was ever offered and I had the sense that I should be content and grateful for my parents adopting me. What has been a revelation to me in the books I described earlier is the realization, and to some extent consolation that I am not alone in my feelings. The fact that other adoptees share many of the same thoughts has helped me regain some perspective of my own situation. However, I am still forced to ‘keep a lid on it’ in order to protect all involved and it wasn’t until my mid-twenties and, in secrecy that I pursued the search for my birth mother.
My aim is to express some of the feelings of all those involved in the adoption process, hoping at the same time to disperse some of my negativity and allow me to ‘lay to rest some of the ghosts of my past’.
Open Secret
At the very beginning of this project the words ‘link’ and ‘connections’ periodically crept into my thoughts. ‘Open Secret’ began to emerge whilst on a walk. When out walking and passing a boat yard I became aware that most of the boating paraphernalia lying around always appeared to be connected to something else and that was when I decided to take a series of photographs showing these connections.
I have been re-reading some letters my birth mother wrote to my adoptive mother during her pregnancy. They show the desperation as well as the hope and belief that her baby will be provided and well cared for when she finally hands it over to the adoptive parents. I extracted specific phases from the letters and juxtaposed them with my images, already the album has provoked other ideas and associations which I am working on. The handmade album is not only a personal connection to me, but an abstract of the complex decisions any single young mother has to make when giving her baby up for adoption.
