I have a tendency to overthink things and this comes to the fore particularly when I’m in the early stages of creating a new piece of work. Overthinking around this new piece (working title: ‘I Always Wanted to Be …’) has been exacerbated by being awarded a-n professional development money to make it. I’ve been going round in circles, feeling slightly paralysed by the pressure I’ve imposed upon myself.
Having put aside August and September as key months for making the work, it’s now a case of carving out blocks of time and getting on with it. Time means money however, and I’m slightly anxious about that. I haven’t had sole responsibility for a budget in this context before and want to strike the right balance between producing film footage of the highest possible quality and ensuring that any collaborators I work with are paid fairly for their skills. It goes without saying of course, how grateful I am to a-n for the bursary – any worries or concerns are really only about wanting to get things right!
Though slightly apprehensive, I’m also very excited about this opportunity. Working with film maker Henrietta Thomas will involve learning skills that are completely new to me. Bearing in mind that I’ve often felt that I’d like to animate and bring to life many of the objects I’ve worked with over the past few years, I’m delighted to have been given the chance to do so. ‘I Wish’ was one of the first pieces of work I ever made. Because it represented dance and ballet, I always felt that the installation would benefit from having some sort of movement. It all seemed rather static somehow, and I remember considering bringing an electric fan into the studio at one point to create movement to the dress itself and to the dancers printed on it.
My longstanding love of dance and the fact that throughout my childhood, I always wanted to be a dancer, means that I’m keen to build upon this particular body of work. I met Henrietta yesterday afternoon to talk through how we’re going to proceed with getting the making of the film off the ground. We now have two confirmed dates in our diaries for meeting up and will see where we go from there. I already feel much more relaxed about the project – there’s something concrete to focus on – it’s the abstract thinking that ties me in knots.
I’m looking forward to reporting back from these meetings but in the meantime, will continue to sift through folders stuffed full of found images of ballerinas and various dance and ballet scenes, some of which have been in storage for years. I’ve also been looking through the 1970/80s ‘Bunty’ ‘Diana’ and ‘Judy’ annuals I’ve collected over the years in which there was almost always a picture story about a ballerina/dancer included. Stories featuring young girls, living privileged, charmed lives added to the fantasy for me – you had to be pretty special to make it as a ballerina; no amount of wishful-thinking over the years ever got me there!
