Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking – Autism Research Centre residency

Portsmouth 11th January

PTSD influences been bad for the last few days this week – I wake early part way through nightmares that cling well into the day – clear thinking distracted by neutral grey mists – the colour drained and replaced. Highlight of the week – an unearned island – respite – unexpected – was a comment received here about my use colour – positive – thank you.

Difficulty with colour – why – how – being synaesthetic evidently goes with my aspergers – objects and especially colours to me are not unliked or unappreciated but taste and shout connotations across the room – confrontations – overwhelming fears – often literally. Aspergers thinking often trends to the black and white.

Since early childhood colour has never been an easy duty – unexplained reactionary till recent – I have drawn since I can remember (4-5) always in thick dark graphite pencil or biro – the line – the non distracting line – pin sharp marks leading the eye to discovery.

As a book illustrator I desired the black and white commission – rare – satisfying – a self complete system – rare – rare – rare- often i had to ‘spoil’ this completeness by ‘realistic’ colouring in. It was hard to concentrate while I tasted yellow mold or heard red whisper contentious thoughts each time tube liberation to ceramic plate and then there was the mixing cacophony duality to catch and distract me wrong-footed at every stroke.

I am not saying I dont appreciate colour – some colours I desire – some I detest with vengence – I have my favorite shades and schemes that taste calm or are easy on the minds ear – i know what I like – in its rightful place they rest – just don’t ask me to choose from scratch – colour mind-blindness.

I have a known system with the use of a pencil – I know what I will get if i press hard or soft – tilt or twist

a known reaction

to my action

on the confines of paper

real or imaginary

alternatively

not near

as clear

with people

a

unregulated

systen

of often

disapointments

I will escape to calmness and sought for solitude in the grey pencil lines.

‘The collective effects of changes in my movements upon well-being’

Portsmouth: January 7th

Woken at 5:17

go back to dream – have to find those missing – search

Up – bathe – dress – before the weekly walk and wait – called but no finger movements today – i am folded instead – symmetrical – human conditioned origami.

Walk in the not cold

First afternoon back at the University with others – reading papers for research – directory listed at end – dark again before I realise the time – natural system – dark – light – dark – light – repeats but there is a subtle difference each day – taste the difference – a cycle imposed upon the cycle – an oscillation – minimalist difference each time – weave this in – these cycles can be recognised in the rocks too – layers – depositions that repeat to a marvelous word – milankovitch cycles – this apeals to me – sequences that change and flow – not all is perfection – problem – 100,000 – 400,000 – split peak – difficulties in reconciling theory with observations written within the stone.

test the system – how long will the testing take – each cycle – each hz – each frequency

I desire answers – I need answers or else there is no point asking questions – if you dont like answers – any answers – proven or dysproven.

http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/new_pubs

http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/project_30_syn…

‘The importance of accidental meaning can be found in the smallest things‘

Portsmouth: January 5th

home

Awake early again – dreams started but unfinished rudely interrupted by 7.27am – spend most of the night systemizing the situation – results not favorable on social level – juggling – hiding – out – dis-understandings – wish my head was clear – a fog – not filling my lungs with salt waters – clarity please – act on minimal instincts…..

Positives….

A natural way of thinking – inquisitive – I have been systemizing since inception – start of the project – systemizing the pages of understanding needed to evaluate – metaphor – complex layering – intimate interpersonalisation – hardware and autobiostratigraphy.

The project is one system

what do I need?

An understanding of the systems involved within the wider system – invented – composed – figured from smaller syatems. A system composed – interwoven – hiarachical – each important within its own and wider worlds – vital detail to the running efficiently of the whole.

task one – identify the systems involved

task two – learn each systems value in the metaphor of the whole

task three – identify the metaphor systemic process and modes of operation

task four – learn – identify – needed components create the ‘proposed system’

task five – desire – research – organise – evaluate each part – draw – order – buy

task six – play – experiment – learn – repeat – stimmulate – repeat – question – repeat

input – action – output

input – action – output – Konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

new input or new action = new output

input – action – output

input – action – output – Konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

input – action – output – konfirm

I play

sequentially

I perform

sequentially

I become part of the system

konfirmed

I am the system

Konfirmed

• 
• 

‘Its difficult but also extremely easy’

Portsmouth: January 4th

Wake at fear o clock – 4.07am

much troubled sleeping as yesterday aniversary of my mothers passing.

January 3rd 2013

wake early

dress

prepare kitchen

train

car

Wicks

Cotswold’s chippings

argument about identity

deer foot-printed grave

left 9 pink roses

sodden soil dirty knees

wipe headstone

plant flag with star map instructions

cry

car

cup of tea – eccles cake

crimson cyclamen

explain aspergers obsession with numbers and music with my father

car

flooded water meadow

post letters

cry

late train

Identity in question:

I don’t adhere to common superstitions that Aspergers is an impairment:

Definitely agree

Slightly agree

Slightly disagree

Definitely disagree

‘Circling around your answer’

Portsmouth January 1st

I am fascinated by hearing the landscape

Definitely agree

Slightly agree

Slightly disagree

Definitely disagree

I often find it unnecessary to see people in the dark

Definitely agree

Slightly agree

Slightly disagree

Definitely disagree

When I was young I enjoyed words

Definitely agree

Slightly agree

Slightly disagree

Definitely disagree