Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking – Autism Research Centre residency

‘Warning this appliance must be earthed’

Portsmouth: 14th March

Awake at 4am

Dreams different

slightly twisted

rather than overt

making me

Feel

slightly

corner turned

E M D R

delving

digging deeper

found

far away

moments receding

with

a mere

wave of

followed finger

exorcised

his Monday

fish swim

away

my

images

extracted

flicker

on imaginary

portabled walled TVs

just like the lions

who

once

ran across

abbandoned

50’s space ship

wall paper

when I was four

glimpsed

with roar

moments before

I hid

under

self folding cover

still vulnerable

Thursday 14th: allotted project day today and tomorrow

Today stay inside – Sun – slow reading – slow writing is getting on top of me – have to look – write about the project – write emails that hold promised opportunity – read affirming email that takes hold inside and cheers me – cat sits undercover watching my slow finger movements across the keyboard before giving up on pouncing – announcing his presence – so slow he falls asleep – finally I summon courage to order addition’s for the project system -i read

http://www.wildculture.com/article/affecting-perce…

I design and draw the casing ready for the making and test run next week – next i measure for the suit to fit the system – central meters on paper – I phone

and

the cat wakes and requests

should I eat now?

should I sleep now?

he asks with yellow eyed excitement

‘index’

Portsmouth 10th March

to calm I draw

to calm I systemize

to calm I write myself lists

11 words found today – swimming without accent

1: metuere

2: imperturbatus

3: tenuiculus

4: summa

5. simulacrum

6: fissilis

7: totus

8: subobscurus

9: formula

10: acutulus

11: filum

rest

The unsplit peak problem

Portsmouth March 10th

Wake feeling broken at 4:35am

Its been a difficult 4-5 days

f e e l

=

d

e

t

a

c h

m e a n t

c r a w l

i n g

behi n d my e y e s

very rare I don’t feel connected to being an artist – must be at the low point of the oscillation – unfrequented undesirable frequency

all life is bounded cyclically

Milankovitch theory

100,000 year problem

400,000 year problem

stage 5 problem

my 5 day problem – I should be writing for the project – have specific set path out to accomplish – bullet point plan intrusions – blocks – hope its just a few days – the effect exceeds the cause

‘Artist’ seems out of reach – drawing, touching the world through clingfilm – PTSD really bad following a few weeks of high productivity – am irritated.

It freezes me – not sure if its the tiredness at waking early each day after the max effort to get to sleep in the first place or just how it runs – unable to talk – act the smile pleased to see you hard with aspergers impossible with this but

but i want to draw not talk

but I

f e e l

+

c

h

e

a t e d

c r a w l

i n

t o a b a l l

• 
• 

‘The hotwater bottle who thought he was a cat’

Portsmouth March 7th

5:27 wake

5:27 what is this?

5:27 seems encoded in ACGT

unwanted marker

unwanted mutation

flee

virtually

no resistance

Up – tea – wash – dress – leave

rain – straight to meeting for mentoring sound project

Sit – coffee – chat – window glass – inside walls – marbled fossils – pit – box – outside wall – washer – was saw blade – roofing felt – metamorphic view – re enter – colours leap and fall

poetry – e – motion

released into rain glossed pavement

where next?

list 2: Research meeting

1. Glad I’m not a yellow post-it

2. Earl grey tea + banana to open later

3. Never had a good run

4. Mist window skyscraper disappearances

5. Aeneid

6. House of cards

7. The technology of killing

8. None of us became estate agents

9. Contribution to the knowledge economy

distracted by my phone

wants to change synaesthesia to anaesthesia

List 3: Artism arts event planning

1. Rain soaked drive – arrival with suddenly free

parking space opportunity

taken

2. Tea with milk + hot chocolate seated with 7 others watching in the room

3. Arrival of awaited 1 – wait on 2 – who may need direction finding

segregation’s

4. Arrival of 4 – now 7 seated – a starting…….

counting

stop counting

must stop counting

5. Catering first – detail without number

6. Hanging system check -detail

refined

mono fil – a – ment – s

7. Pay attention to the empty walls – unfulfilled at birth

8. Amendments to details with detailed amendments

9. Lift offered and accepted – i fold into back seat

10. Short drive back to him

11. Start to write #PTSD monologue and cry

12. ———-empty slot———

13. ———-empty slot———

14. ———-empty slot———

15. ———-empty slot———

should

I flee

with

virtually

no noticeable

resistance

to collapsing

in flames

whilst

landing

‘Errant close knit formation flying’

Portsmouth March 7th

5:27 on two days in a row

think i am becoming tired

life fits round being artist

but being an artist is life

23:59 Artist

+

00:01 home life

=

24:00 Life

while walking home I make lists

List one: Yesterday 6th March in 11 steps

1. Accident: lock myself in upstairs toilet as catch fails

2. Phone cconversation: Desires to embedding confidences engaging with creatives

3. Observation: Slight tension negotiation

————– hiatus ————–

I start writing #PTSD monologe with twistin

————– hiatus ————–

4. Forlorn: Feel I have to hold back the waters rising

5. Bemused: amused not confused

6.

Told

‘I

cant

draw a

straight line’

I believe them

7. Colouring book: Draw on computer without listening

8. Collect: South bound daughter from railway station in the dark

9. Return: West bound daughter to the railway station in the rain

10. Ironic: Reading railway delay tweets while railway delays on TV program appear

11.

head on

pillow

Radio

radio

r a d i o c a l l s m e h o m e