VCO – VCF – VCA + ADSR
9th August 2013
So the last day working before an ‘self-imposed’ 2 weeks off – I have had to give in I have no choice – Tuesday I ended up on an EEG machine in severe pain then tests – lots of tests (before naughtily heading up to London for two meetings – Look About in at ACE National Office and then Portcullis House – I had missed the first one about aspergers research) – So Fridays here and will get results later today if anything is seriously wrong – take a break – you must take a break – Artist 247
booked time off
I need to concentrate on today – the documentary we are filming needs some more footage of the synthesizer with explanations.
Were are booked into the studio at the University so pack one of the individual modular synths up replete with cables – tidy myself and order taxi.
Arrive and settle and wire the synth up from memory (hah the bigger picture in the system) – test with a ridicules but brilliant ‘casio’ midi controller I bought at a boot sale in 2006 for 50p – irony.
smile
film
play
explain
retake
sorted
As we finish an hour or so later phone goes – timing – listen – nothing physically wrong must be stress/tiredness – explain I am having some time off and will see him after that – fine – artist 247
chat
un-wire
the synth
pack within case
call taxi
travel
rest
what’s next?
‘This time I promise not to listen’
Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth
8th August 2013
I sit on the train without words – they were used yesterday along with a hard choice on Monday – my mind made up I need a break as am struggling – I re-read yesterdays twitter poems and hopeful of what today may bring from the 2 meetings – one with a publisher interested to tell my ‘story in picture’ and evaluation of Konfirm project.
I wish i could write today but they have flown.
My head pressed back into seat i close eyes to read
Publishers: The day goes well – The underground is deserted as I make my way to the Angel – a short walk bombarded with pavement treasures (documented) and I’m sat talking to the Editor – shes good it goes well – I lay image over word describing my experience since I can remember – child-like – I don’t need to die to see my life flash in front of me – DVD style aspergers brain – there is good and bad in this skill. The meeting ends positively – something to work towards – am found – this I ‘need’ although sometimes depression barges in and lies to you………….
but
I wont listen – I promise myself this time I wont listen
—————————————-
I walk an unfamiliar road willingly
—————————————-
Konfirm documentation: The British library looms over me as I meet with Jo outside – we enter and sit in the cafe – an attempt to sort refreshments ends in aspie-failure before I get to the till. Jo gets the coffee and we start the conversation – I learn watching the central core of books – a break and while Jo is absent a man approaches me – ‘you look like a professor would you like to join us later for our current affairs discussion group’
Secretly pleased at my promotion I politely decline and we carry on
Later I leave – sure its all over – battle the underground hell and Waterloo – home without words
I need to stop now
I need to stop
I need to
I need
I need me back
I need silences
—————————————
7th – Written in with Mozilla
Tread light
her
Patterned
Space
Hexagonal
Contact
slate grey
Enable movement
banish fear
As I sit
Chrome reflected
Eating dried strawberries
& written on the journey
She skims
Low
Over
Wheaten
Bedrock
Tracing
Tiny
Hidden
Flight lines
Entwined
Neatly
Over
Brow beaten
Footfall
At
Ninety degrees
Of innocence
—————————————
‘Hidden in the trees we speak’
Portsmouth – Cambridge – Portsmouth
August 1st 2013
Today marks 2 years to the day I first visited Professor Simon Baron Cohen at the ARC Cambridge in 2011 and here I was again on my way there for what I thought at the time was my last official project visit – to film for the documentary.
I mapped that day in 2011 carefully – My Mother had become very unwell and had been admitted to hospital a month or so beforehand not expected to leave – so even though she was now home we chatted and I told her all about the day and potentials that could happen and she told me to go.
I did.
This time I went bearing different burdens in a long sleeved shirt.
not
an
early leaving
but
Fast
fields
Recede
Bearing
Crow felt gifts
Dark
Stark
Against the blued sky
As calm I sit
Stirred by orchard
Soft word
Of praise for grey
We arrive at 12 and catch taxi after the 2 train journeys – the underground was easy despite the multiple bags we both carry – lights – camera – tripod and stands – an easier burden than what I was carrying inside eat in into me.
Eased by arrival i am emotional – it feels like home – familiar in a personal way – a life exists there – how can you never get emotionally woven within your work?
in and badges offered – we have the run of the place
we are made Welcome….
We chat. Lucas sets up in the orchard – the trees call like the first visit – hot sun – so we move unexpectedly to the trees and film within the wood – thankful we can see a bigger picture.
We spend an hour with Simon – another lifetime of learning in 57 minutes – questioning – interviewing – filming – walking – giving.
lunch beckons
At peace within the wood – we stay – we film – we chat and film the interview – ‘its changed my life’
—–converse—–ation——-
Pack up – Some more shots before Taxi comes out front and we head to the station. I hide my tears at leaving – not bitter – clean leaving family tears
Journey home feels different – Underground – Waterloo rush – milk-shaked home 14 hours later
rested – renewed – able
eight
oxytocin
asperger
autistic
Genetics
Spectrum
amygdala
Maternal
Complete
‘Out of my depth’
Portmouth 27th July
Disappointed at the letter that slips through the door.
I wanted to make today but that’s not possible now
The cloak placed on my shoulders wraped around me unforgivably.
I feel totally out of my depth with the tears that flow from my OH. She recieved an un-expected expected letter today rescinding all her mobility DLA – the letter is full of inaccuracy – that I can deal with but her tears no – overwhelming not a lack of empathy as some say aspies are good at. That empathy is different – its about placing yourself in someone else’s head not about being unfeeling.
The day ends with 20 inches of badly
I recognize that fighting a battle on 2 fronts cant be won
internal
external
I have to choose
close eyes and look forward
concentrate
Drill
in through
my Forehead
inject me
with
bitter waters
jealously
remove
my uniqueness
With forced words
to fuel
your fires
Frack me
So where is Heaven?
Portsmouth 27th July
Today I am asked where is my ideal of heaven – I talk about beaches – If i can I love being on a beach – the incoming tides waves for complex patterns – each looking the same to the ordinary person – in – out – each is different – each tastes different – pattern acting on pattern as they interfear with each other – complex compositions laid bare to discover.
Beach memory no17
As a child
Of five
Collecting
Coloured stones
On a beach
Strewn
In tidelined
jelly fish
Against cliff
Carved
olistostrome
http://totko.org/2013/08/11/spotlight-jon-adams-fr…
