s e c r e t n u m b e r t w o
Portsmouth 22nd April
unwillingly awakened by vivid dreams 4 nights in a row – exhausted by thoughts and worry
So I sit slumped in the hall and look both ways to the front and side waiting for a social solstice
instead i get
sun
entering
both
windows
either
side
warming
basking
reflecting
on
loosing
winters
cold
with
short
term
memory
skin
singing:
We forget easy
we forget how lucky we are
we forget how close we came
I have Spent a few days distracted from the essence of the project – a habituated hiatus – need – writing about the process for the REF at university plus some physical prototyping where I am Making and adding to the 5th ‘case’ – which leads to a telling – a letting go of secret number: Artifact 3
Artifact 1: – Konfirmation
Artifact 2: –
Artifact 3: A contemporary piece of serialism – music – derived from the workings of the project – premiered in London June 14th 2013
Artifact 4: –
Artifact 5: –
The complication
the detail
the bigger picture at the core
unforgotten
always in sight but never climbed
footholds
Traces
written upon a wall
right to left
left to right –
retrograde patterns
collected and described
forcibly pinned within
the book of life
by a Victorian collector of butterflies
colour dims
strangely as all life
fades to grey
leaving ant eaten laced wings and spoil
please
take me
take me
by the hand
and spin
0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7
times in a row
till I am clean
and ready to follow
digital vs analogue – Completed piece will also be available to listen – here
https://soundcloud.com/fieldoffragments
Multiple rites of passage – something we are good at in this country.
Portsmouth April 17th
Annoyingly the pattern fulfilled and awake 3:52am
Avidly avoiding Wednesday’s monosubject words on radio to snooze untill 7:34
Sit
Watch TV
quiet streets and quiet words
Diversion one – from poetic part of project:
Its becoming one of those weeks where correlations in patterns appear – a bit of a diversion from the project but today of all days the words ‘rites of passage’ echo true. I did watch the TV this morning – not with any hope or expectation but as a uni student of the late 70’s early 80’s living in South London – through bombing campaigns, strikes and protests – plus as a Navy connected family who lost a relative in the Falklands – it was a marker point – history personally – no matter what your views or politics – today was closure for many people for a multitude of reasons – rites of passages we all face at different times
This last week I have had it Konfirmed that I am aspergers – not just a bit on the spectrum but certainly ‘high on the scale’ as it were. I was shown I was dyslexic in 1999 and this latest finding along with the EMDR has meant closure on a certain part of my life and acceptance of the new.
I had a frightening time at school – not because I couldn’t or was stupid but because others couldn’t understand me the way I was. The bullying I received from both staff and peer lead to hiding from drawing for at least 10 years and a lifelong ruck-sac (till now) of heavy rocks to carry. I always blamed my inability to be all that social on this but its only partly to blame it seems – I have had to learn to socialise I do not have an inbuilt view – social society – for me it does not exist – though not in the wider sense as some have said
I have learnt to be social – effort but worthwhile even when I slip
I also received a letter from the new head of Arts Council England, thanking me for my 5 years contribution and work as member of SE Regional council. I has been an honor to serve through a very interesting time – london 2012 – change from RFO to NPO and not forgetting impositions of Funding Review ‘coping with cuts’. I have always spoken and suggested what I feel as all aspies do – but with the heart of an artist. Its more a thank-you back to ACE:SE that I was listened too, learnt and for the great art experienced and friends I made along the way inside ACE. Some of these people have or are about to leave and I know that years of KT is lost to ACE and from all of us collectivly through this – the real ‘price of Cuts’ but their knowledge will transfer and disseminate outwards to other organisations in the arts sector with the heart of an artist – another rite of passage for me and many others.
‘energy cannot be created or destroyed – it can only be changed from one form to another’
Field of fragments
Portsmouth April 15th
Get to sleep at 3:47am
Dream of Hominid evolution
Wake at 4:55 am
Exhausted this morning but raised
Had a brief break from the project over the weekend – truthfully when does an artist ever stop thinking – reasoning – conceptualising – learning from or about his work?
if I am honest
although I Researched in the evenings the task I set myself was left unaccomplished
Bath and breakfast late sitting
tea the saviour within
set to work from home my
with computer on lap field
plus cat of
who sets up shop next-door fragments
on the pulled away chair starting
leave walk reassembly
find divide of what
wait called once
to was alive
Face the future but
at lunchtime longingly
back and forth since
amygdala’s benediction lost
S e c r e t n u m b e r o n e
Portsmouth April 11th
Home – wake in familiar bed but at 4:06am
I take it easy – I have been with people intensively all week so far and need a break – as an artist that’s possible but not easily understood by others not on the spectrum – anti-social – no – it saves my life – as it can be very waring working at social on top of concentrating creatively + the PTSD and associated depressions have messed with my tiredness capability and attention controls
Life is complex with aspergers – although it makes me the artist I am – attention to detail, constant pattern finding and ability with sound sculpting plus minimalism……….it has its social costs
Catch up time
Spend morning in the bath – my room only had shower – I have never gotten on well with showers – well spend some of it refreshing the hot and thinking – then work on the computer catching up with admin slow.
plus all morning the cat follows me everywhere – as if daring me to leave him for 3 days again
Wait and prepare for important call
tea
Sit
prepare
wait
life exam
then
suddenly
phone vibrates
and is answered
questions Answered
revealing conversation
part completed on Tuesday
R E S U L T i m m i n e n t
5 4 3 2 1
head spin as I wait for the words to fall
secret 1 revealed – my aspergers is officially
Konfirmed
Spring Summer Winter – left poem fragments
Cambridge April 10th 2013
Spring
Frantic whisper
recalls
sleep
flooded dream
shadow symphony
from
essential rock
cry my beauty
above language
Summer
finger
swim
delirious garden
a thousand
mothers
watch through
their
languid apparatus
your
still picture
of lust
Winter
wind play
smooth
movements
purple
delicate goddess
the true friend
how could
you never stare
at me
eternity
