Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking – Autism Research Centre residency

In my dreams I play the artist in a time of autisterity

Portsmouth April 5th

Wake at 3:22 am with unwelcome start – PTSD has readjusted to time change with just a weeks difficulty – now its same as before – seems impossible – dreams becoming unhelpfully erotic – I play the artist even within mine and others nightmares

my autist avatar spins – whispers only 3 whole days to go

5:13 am create a short list of Komforting words

Kontext

Kontour

Konsort

Komfort

Konnote

Konverter

Konnective

Konsistency

Konsecution

Konterminous

Konvealescent

They move and rearrange to say only 3 whole days to go

Sleep in till 8:47 in the arms of the radio – wake – to missile movements – announcements – swim in shallow water – clothing – container failure – walk against cold headwind – acting with unskilled demeanour of consistantly looking downwards

In the cracks of pavements I see written only 3 whole days to go

Needing to face computer – Postcard 4 artwork needs to be drawn and printed – final – ready to take – Cambridge – distributed – reminders of fresh paint on cardboard – outsiders articles

Between the lines on the page are hidden only 3 whole days to go

Rewrite yesterdays poem for the reverse

one

quiet

Konfirmation day

you

will

come and see

torn detail

across

carved wood

gathered

sympathetic

with many others

as we are written within

forming trees

high

all encompassing forests

fall
with those who labour

to systemize me

Autistic assemblages – finish – email – walk looking at the rain – patterns etched against the grey – connecting in lighter lines instantly – here and there – arrive to welcomes – printing as we speak of migrating sand dunes and words scratched into sand at Christmas – cuts number 6 plus one – wrapped and ready to walk home

Pushed content, images from the back of my head, reminders of only 3 whole days to go

Return to desk then studio 21 – clean – move – rearrange – write – research – finished – walk home without looking down – no reminders watching – home with same sequences consorting to remind me

there are only 3 whole days to go

—————– hiatus ———————

Alternation written from the other side

http://tellmeagainwhat.blogspot.co.uk/

—————– hiatus ———————

The day dark matter was announced

Portsmouth April 3rd

Wake at 4:23 am unimpressed by consistency

one quiet day

Detail Carved wood

written within forming trees

gathering with others

all encompassing forests

who systemize me

#5lines

its

at last

Wednesday

Biggest

day

of my week

rough formed

waveform

now only

six days delay

L F O

repeated

incomplete cycles

until

Konfirmation

day

‘If you have a Sunday free, place flowers on their graves’

Portsmouth – Leatherhead – Portsmouth

April 2nd 2013 World Autism Awareness Day

Indirect intervention plus one hour

Change in clocks seems to have thrown my PTSD waking into utter confusion – not able to work out the pattern yet – chaotic – maybe this will become a catalyst and change – waking anywhere between 4-6am but unable to sleep till 1am – no sleep is not good – maybe I feel like sitting at the computer and endlessly type ‘all work and no play make johnny a dull boy’

At the bottom of latest LFO cycle – periods modulated and seem to getting longer but dread the lows still – not able to write much but gets poetic instead

Not a KS day – heading to deliver work to Festival but time on train to work on lists of people to invite to 14th June at The Arts Catalyst.

In to work early and wrap the wrong work up and leave…..my faults will show when I get unwrapped

Aspergers unwrapped

Waiting at the station

I become distracted

so I tweet:

Sun

warms

at

last

as

i stand

alone

on

platform

seemingly

equal

to loss

through

breeze

and

my

self imposed

wind chill

Retweets Konfirmed

Look out of the train across clean fields near Butser Hill

I become distracted

so I tweet:

Field

plough’d

rigid

lines

of

white

flint

stand

still

drawn

into

brown

buzzards

view

thermal

circling

at

right angles

above

Retweets Konfirmed

Later on the train after Guildford change watching the sun fighting through leafless trees

I am distracted

so I tweet

Long

shadows

cross

beech

leafed

wood

micro

movements

creep

hugging

those

fallen

a few

months

before

returning

comfort

once

lost

Retweets Konfirmed

Later

after my faults show

they are ameliorated

as I return home

I am dys-tracted

so my next tweet is hidden

‘P o s t e i g h t y s’

Portsmouth 31st March

Remember………………..

Wake early – time unknown – but its still dark – dreams unwritten unlike yesterday – fragments snatched out of the blue green and grey – the mattress topper forming a convenient ledge to rest my knee without intrusion – eases the pain – I am enabled to

—– snooze ————————–

Wake but alarm goes of before I can alter for 15 mins extra time – close eyes and imagine threefold about June 14th – this needs getting ready – 8 experiments – system listing – ‘Grey’ – maybe ‘8 fold flash’ too – think – think – think – sleep – think

of performance order

order of performance

performance of order

—– hiatus —————————

Front door goodbye – a mirrored out leaving – run water run – bath takes the strain

I need to count with 8 – I need to remember octophonically – 1980 = I need to list

8 days to go before Konfirmation day

1. Apprehension listed

2. Relief concealed

3. Ability moment

4. Curiosity elevated

5. Fear paper

6. Dress questioning

7. Throw the dice

8. Remember the buttons

1980

1. I was both 19 and 20

2. First time to Rinsey Cove

3. Recovering in Mons Belgium

4. Sleeping with someone for the first time

5. Beginning to learn to hurt myself effectively

6. Learning about the ‘Manhattan Project’ third hand

7. Sitting with the ‘Lady of Shallot’ every week in the early evening

8. Catching Glandular fever I missed my first year exams later taken in Autumn

—– hiatus —————————

1980

Looking back my aspergers had the upper hand to start – solitude prevailed – from metal head March – discovering the alternate in June – re-cutting my blazer to fit

hair

re-style

re-born as

Roundhouse romantic

but years end – still a solitary one

—– hiatus —————————

then again there are only 8 days to go before Konfirmation day

1. Apprehension lifted

2. Relief consecrated

3. Ability monument

4. Curiosity excavated

5. Fear lined

6. Address questioning

7. Thrown double 4

8. Remember the buttons

R e m

e m b e r

i n g

t h e b

u

t

t

o

n

s

Konfirmed a revealing of systemizing

Portsmouth 29th March

I

wake

late

will

this

be

the

pattern?

after

the

dream

starts

to fade

i

remember

we have

the

date Konfirmed

for

the

sound

performance

talk

with

Simon Baron Cohen

ending

the first

stage

of the

project

words before revealing

22,926

London

The Arts Catalyst

14th June 2013