Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking – Autism Research Centre residency

The unsplit peak problem

Portsmouth March 10th

Wake feeling broken at 4:35am

Its been a difficult 4-5 days

f e e l

=

d

e

t

a

c h

m e a n t

c r a w l

i n g

behi n d my e y e s

very rare I don’t feel connected to being an artist – must be at the low point of the oscillation – unfrequented undesirable frequency

all life is bounded cyclically

Milankovitch theory

100,000 year problem

400,000 year problem

stage 5 problem

my 5 day problem – I should be writing for the project – have specific set path out to accomplish – bullet point plan intrusions – blocks – hope its just a few days – the effect exceeds the cause

‘Artist’ seems out of reach – drawing, touching the world through clingfilm – PTSD really bad following a few weeks of high productivity – am irritated.

It freezes me – not sure if its the tiredness at waking early each day after the max effort to get to sleep in the first place or just how it runs – unable to talk – act the smile pleased to see you hard with aspergers impossible with this but

but i want to draw not talk

but I

f e e l

+

c

h

e

a t e d

c r a w l

i n

t o a b a l l

• 
• 

‘The hotwater bottle who thought he was a cat’

Portsmouth March 7th

5:27 wake

5:27 what is this?

5:27 seems encoded in ACGT

unwanted marker

unwanted mutation

flee

virtually

no resistance

Up – tea – wash – dress – leave

rain – straight to meeting for mentoring sound project

Sit – coffee – chat – window glass – inside walls – marbled fossils – pit – box – outside wall – washer – was saw blade – roofing felt – metamorphic view – re enter – colours leap and fall

poetry – e – motion

released into rain glossed pavement

where next?

list 2: Research meeting

1. Glad I’m not a yellow post-it

2. Earl grey tea + banana to open later

3. Never had a good run

4. Mist window skyscraper disappearances

5. Aeneid

6. House of cards

7. The technology of killing

8. None of us became estate agents

9. Contribution to the knowledge economy

distracted by my phone

wants to change synaesthesia to anaesthesia

List 3: Artism arts event planning

1. Rain soaked drive – arrival with suddenly free

parking space opportunity

taken

2. Tea with milk + hot chocolate seated with 7 others watching in the room

3. Arrival of awaited 1 – wait on 2 – who may need direction finding

segregation’s

4. Arrival of 4 – now 7 seated – a starting…….

counting

stop counting

must stop counting

5. Catering first – detail without number

6. Hanging system check -detail

refined

mono fil – a – ment – s

7. Pay attention to the empty walls – unfulfilled at birth

8. Amendments to details with detailed amendments

9. Lift offered and accepted – i fold into back seat

10. Short drive back to him

11. Start to write #PTSD monologue and cry

12. ———-empty slot———

13. ———-empty slot———

14. ———-empty slot———

15. ———-empty slot———

should

I flee

with

virtually

no noticeable

resistance

to collapsing

in flames

whilst

landing

‘Errant close knit formation flying’

Portsmouth March 7th

5:27 on two days in a row

think i am becoming tired

life fits round being artist

but being an artist is life

23:59 Artist

+

00:01 home life

=

24:00 Life

while walking home I make lists

List one: Yesterday 6th March in 11 steps

1. Accident: lock myself in upstairs toilet as catch fails

2. Phone cconversation: Desires to embedding confidences engaging with creatives

3. Observation: Slight tension negotiation

————– hiatus ————–

I start writing #PTSD monologe with twistin

————– hiatus ————–

4. Forlorn: Feel I have to hold back the waters rising

5. Bemused: amused not confused

6.

Told

‘I

cant

draw a

straight line’

I believe them

7. Colouring book: Draw on computer without listening

8. Collect: South bound daughter from railway station in the dark

9. Return: West bound daughter to the railway station in the rain

10. Ironic: Reading railway delay tweets while railway delays on TV program appear

11.

head on

pillow

Radio

radio

r a d i o c a l l s m e h o m e

‘synaesthesia and the arts of cooking’

Portsmouth: March 5th

awake at 4am – dreams cling like anti Vandal paint – stain – liquid – held in place by memory faders at 0 DBL

radio comfort 209 – voices in the dark speak through pillow – till alarm on phone remembers its duty to re-wake me.

cook scrambled eggs – slightly underdone – tea – toast turned 2x in toaster for even scorching – salt

I must remember the case lids

load car from rear – OCD doorway

he waits for arrival – wave and help

‘bring them home’

test run day

shrink to fit day

rendering

experimenting

day

redraw A – add name to programe save as PDF

redraw B – add colour to name save as PDF

leave drawing desk – walk without coat – student employment talk to facilitate – 5 of us round ‘an arthurs’ table – artists + illustrator = no difference with employment – practice inch by inch – – how do i find exhibiting space? – who do I talk to to see my work – can I apply to ACE – conversations happen – application tips cooked with hint of realism and reach – new blood needed – projects to complete – evolve as artist – first timers wanted – tea finished – disbanded and thanked

walk without coat – prepare for Radio interview – ring station – talk to producer – questions – am i happy?

wondering am I happy? what does happy mean?

walk without a coat – into town – breathe to think – bank duty – extractions and figuring completed – cheese straw rewards

walk without coat

Return to darkened projection room – find lids transformed with wired insect eyes – no edge glow – contained in silver rim – hearts twitching out of sync and flinch

converse

change

render

converse

change

render

converse

change

render unto Caesar

that which is his

————– hiatus ——————

walk without coat

The radio interview for ‘affecting perceptions’ show in Oxford – settle in new surroundings – 2:37 ring in my allotted office phone number – 3:06 called back – i’m every woman finishes – announcer interview the 2 studio guests – i listen – food – sound – synaesthesia – learn – i taste the time passing – lost in listening by proxy – now quick – my turn – introduces – asked – answer – examples given – Turbine Hall seagulls – my physical time touching – thanks – over – all to quick finished – an off air thank-you – do i wish to listen to rest of interviews – yes – an aural voyeur unseen – better not cough better not move – goodbyes – leave during second song – tidy – walk without coat

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0154lrb

127 minutes in

————— hiatus ——————–

Seek out final showing – coming up for air we meet on the steps – return to room – notice changes in line duration direction and clip – am moved as watch total 6 minutes through to final white out- dis-articulate after careful measuring – tape spared – place chairs under torn table – leave – collect words for later – place in pocket – switch off

walk with coat in the dark chill contrasting the days endeavours with later cooking tea – two girls boots clatter in and out of phaze – walking in front of me – heeled low frequency oscillators – yellow car fails to stop at bridge red light – crossing – typical of the colour yellow – spoilt

sit eat watch

———- unconformity —————-

light and dark evening split at 8:57pm by my ipad errors – panic – aspergers change unsettled greatly – no calm restoring – questioning what is wrong – deep pits swallow my days confidences – lights out 1:28am – for once – hope – possibly my PTSDreams will be brighter for once than the day has been long

walk without coat

At play in the gardens of the houses of correction

Portsmouth Oxford Portsmouth March 1st

Hear bi-election result at unknown time around 2am as radio left on under pillow all night

Awake 4:21am and turn over unable to avoid the pain on the left – always lay on my front legs unbent – a rule to keep

up 7:30am tea bath dress leave

Today: Train to Oxford for the Private View of ‘Affecting Perceptions’ – 2 works included – colour cross section and a double sound work – sit at computer and plan trains – sort options for return – systemize options – print on A4 paper – fold – place carefully in specific pocket in my bag – a rule to keep

train no 1: Crowded – anxious it will conform to the rules

2:31 Fratton

2:38 Cosham

2:47 Fareham

3:07 Southampton

change train

change platform

train no 2: Crowded and noisy – look for the comfort of chalk

3:15 leave Southampton

3:22 Southampton airport

3:30 Winchester

3:46 Basingstoke

4:05 Reading

4:34 Oxford

Leave station in the cold having missed call – walk towards the Castle – phone call received – spot patterns at Bus stop – enter castle – pass the houses of correction – enter gallery by lower door – introduce myself – here in the unknown.

Welcome walk – pink coffee greetings – cards of birds – cracked glass – cakes cut into fragments – identity parades – caught between 5 layers of chiffon

http://www.wellcome.ac.uk/News/2013/News/WTP051881…

walk – Open door – stand near 228 take position – masks in place – spares ready in-case they wear to quick – soon the gallery is full – will someone talk? – incognito comments – introductions – conversations – fear at becoming – use your head – overwhelming -just must keep talking – people look – people listen – keep to the rules – walk up and down – many know – ask – receive – learn – give – say goodbye – put on wall what you like – I am a fan of your work – brain drained – leave from the top door – buy provisions for journey at the station – place receipt safe in pocket – a rule to keep

train no 3: Empty – read found sun – change seats – unsettled edge of seat

9:01 Leave Oxford

9:23 Reading

change train

change platform

train no 4: Few people – drink cider – eat provisions – girl crying

9:34 Leave Reading

9:42 Wokingham

9:46 Crowthorne

9:51 Sandhurst

9:54 Blackwater

9:59 Farnbro North

miss Northcamp

10:07 Ash

10:15 Guildford platform cold

change train

change platform

Train no 5: Few people – Tweetalk good/bad Noise with Philipa Perry

10:34 leave Guildford

10:39 Farnecombe

10:52 Haslemere

11:03 Petersfield

11:18 Havant

11:27 Fratton

leave train

leave station

Home found

debrief

17,471 words written

find my bed depopulated by relief when closing my eyes

out of the blue I dream what if tonight is the night

imposed

trivial

stillness

a million

trees

prostrated in

heavenly OCD

worshiping the

light of a forgotten

midnight sun