Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking – Autism Research Centre residency

Accidental constellationism

Portsmouth: February 4th

Today

I

split

and spilt

salt

on the table top

watching

constellations

form

stars born

Cassiopeia

follows

the great bear

resolving

one grain

at a time

‘Not naturally present’

Portsmouth: February 4th.

Wake

3.15am with terrified start

3:59am as cat ill down the stairs.

no sleep since

Over a week since the last post – time has seen me swim through some dark places before coming up to breath.

maybe this post is thinking to much – having just written first academic paper on a passing project – its in my system – thinking – examining – felt since Christmas out of my comfort zone – dis-conforming – a week of repeating images i would rather forget and time in Cambridge I would rather not forget – serial life rafts

I.

I.

I.

catch breath explain draw

Its subjective when someone says ‘you have something wrong with you’ – a bit like the work you make – ‘I like that’ or ‘I don’t like that – personal taste overlain by autobiographical personal bias.

I.

I.

I.

I only know ‘life as an aspie’ – for me this is normality – is that wrong – who says its wrong? I have aspergers – i see nothing wrong with me at all – it makes me more of a complete person. I know my ways can cause troubles – literalism – artifactology – precision – truth – which in the wrong places can seem subversive to others – good – personal bias – to others not on the spectrum or less understanding I am socially deficient therefore ‘there is something wrong with me’ – their view – their bias – their experts on themselves only – for me aspergers + advantage – its OK .

draw catch breath explain

A few weeks ago there were stirrings and unconformity in the press over the new portrait of ‘Kate’ – the artist received some battering – some was very personal – what does personal attack have to do with creation of artifact – jealousy? – showing their expertness – dis-opportunism?

If you dont like what they make how is that ‘the artists’ fault?

I don’t know I find it difficult to relate too as to why? maybe my aspergers stands in the way. I make work – if people like it that’s fine – if they don’t that’s fine too – and I have had ‘uncalled for’ personal comment made when someone does not – not not OK – to me – maybe sometimes the artifact should stand alone from the artist in judgement in technical separation – depersonalised – no cult status or attribution – naive – quality another bias – maybe.

explain draw catch breath

I am unwell with PTSD though – ‘amygdala and the wonders of the brain’ – folds and furrow – I admit I have neurological conditions – one beneficial – one not – one aquired and curable – one lifelong lasting.

breath explain draw catch

I do get slightly hesitant at the way others may see this – maybe being an artist is all thats wrong with me in others eyes – when are you going to get a proper job? there are degrees of artist too – I remember a relative saying you should be ‘known’ for your drawing not all this conceptual rubbish – too different – unseen – naive.

catch breath explain draw

So how do I like to be described or labelled? Why do I need one? why define so openly as aspergers? only because sometimes ‘people need to know’ why I am odd. Odd is good – odd is completeness – there is a whole history of accepted and re-habituated British eccentrics- I don’t wish to be acceptable.

In from the cold

A Label: Outsider artist – as I never trained, naive and ‘odd’ I hit the criteria with full marks – maybe I am comfortable with that – never been personally attacked for that one. B Label: Disabled artist – no that’s not applicable – personal attacks. C Label: Mainstream artist – no I don’t find that reassuring – personal attacks.

as long as I can live up to it – Artist is good ‘lifelabel’.

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‘Show myself some compassion’

Portsmouth: January 27th

The radio distracts PTSD so I miss the date with 5:32am – I know it will catch up with me – will be on my guard

Up late – today is my day without people the best I can – I will refuse to leave the house – I need to recharge my aspiebattery.

I will fail in part – next door will see to that but where its my call I wont

I know I will fail – so add this to rules

I need to switch off – tell this to myself looking in the mirror but artist 247 pinches me out of spite to remind me to wake up

call – disappoint my Father the first time

I cant switch off

Distraction – films on TV – bath – eat – most of all eat – eat

call – disappoint my Father the second time

been away

so need

to catch up

I am expert at putting this off but conscience grabs and shakes me – he knows predictable me – head upstairs – switch computer on – catch up from 5pm till 930pm solid without getting up – knee is killing me but I have to bare my refusal to take pain killers with a false smile – fail

finished now I need to switch off but keep writing

eat

eat

eat

draw

eat

radiosleep is calling me home

‘Homesome’

Portsmouth – Southampton – Portsmouth: January 26th

Wake as usual – fearful of the unknown- dreams ramp up the trauma

Lay there tired with no choice but to listen to next doors children scream and stamp – after one hour i slam the wardrobe door – it falls quiet

I need quiet

I need quiet

I need quiet

not intrusion to think about the project and living

get up late – distracted – thinking about the project – debrief – direction

we eat late – thinking – distracted about the project – debrief – direction

hiatus

we get ready – Southampton – Transformism opening and symposium at John Hansard Gallery – The Arts Catalyst – the commissioners of this project.

We go – fuel – thoughts – motorway – directions – park – leave – park closer – walk

bamboo grove stands out – invitingly

Arrive at same time as London coach – full gallery space filled with sounds clay and cones

Talk boundary opportunities

I am drawn by the printed masks – and text on the screen – I wish to be the new workers described in blurred periodic tables – dysarticulated computer screen complete with speaking tube – later I find the actual objects displayed like fossils in an ethnographic museum alongside books.

I listen

I read

I watch

I watch transfixed as twin virtual koi swim round an enamaled bowl

I eat – forgoing my food danger thoughts – Bread – Cheese – ham – celery – olives

I chat

I stand

I sit

I watch transfixed as twin virtual koi swim round an enameled bowl

I hug

I walk avoiding clay ball whose tracks tell stories of unintended movement

We leave the building

we are gathered to sit for the symposium – slight late start which gives me chance to draw complex diagram – we sit with familiar face from ArtSway – a reminder of shop show and flags

start

speakers 1-3 all mapped in geological detail

Chickens – brown meat white meat cultural destinations

Imminancy in the Pacific – wood shaving importance’s

Bio-skins by 2030 – printable shoes

Questions

finish – great day

Debrief on Cambridge – Bring up to date – arrainging – conversing

Leave

H o m e

Sit

on settee tired

with no choice but to listen

to next doors children scream and stamp

I need quiet

Warm structures

Cambridge: January 25th

wake 4:27 – way to early – PTSD must be making up the hour from the other day – no escaping sometimes – will always catch you

Up but while dressing hold of the desire to pack – neat – fill – suitcase in order till I have had breakfast – head downstairs past the ‘hum’ – Eat – Same list as yesterday – becomes the new normal – but – there is a difference – for the first time another guest talks to me?

learn – review social learning – neurotypical behaviour – its OK – pass unseen – unexpectedly – it is correct to answer back – smile – this is not not not not intrusion

Impending weather becoming the correlation – middle ground – he is finishing early to head north – I am finishing early to head south – conversation till more guests make table to table contact impossible other than semaphore.

Packing when suddenly direct idea strikes – pathways – links – need to head in asap.

Pay – conversation

Walk in – paths mostly clear – dragging case behind – Icy passing – slow down as unable to change paths here – one way only – Once passed I cross the road for the final stretch – on non icy cycle way.

outside

Distressed I find a dead cat by the path – injured obviously – who says aspies are not emotive – he reminded me of Buster – I found him in 1997 and rang his owner – figured if I had a cat I would like to know one way or another if he was missing – she was very thankful and came to collect him – at least they knew – no collar on this one – I had to leave – walking on thinking of our ‘house’ cat at home – cant shift image – cant shift sinking feeling in pit of stomach.

Accosted by student in yellow ‘onesey’ carrying hand written Dover sign – charity escape – car stops picks her and companion up – is that safe?

Inside

work on the doc my idea has compelled me to do – clutching 12 print outs I head to room – unpack – give out – receive back – pathways chosen by others not me – I like reactions too – ask and Simon completes the circling task – all in all I will have 12 different paths – guidance from outside – I will not look at till I am rested to find the hidden patterns to absorb into the work.

Present sound work to some staff – lay out the sheets of paper – play – receive unexpected comments – all positive – seems intuition has served me well – directional – insights as to why open like a book – i desire to read more – clumsily I ask.

Share lunch with Ph.D students explaining – play – revel some of the secrets locked in to the work – safe – safe hands.

I prepare to go ahead of the incoming snow – guilt impinges at not doing the obsessional amount of hours I normally do – taxi call – goodbyes – emotional – I don’t wish to leave even though I know I will be back – taxi comes and I head to station – sad without a lamp to calm me.

Train in daylight luxury – seat – rabbits stand out oblivious against the fast snow landscape – London – tube – no personal space – invisibility – up – out – breath – here for train other-side of London – safe – in time

Usual seat empty – sit – others come – why tread on me just because you are in a hurry? – steel toed boots solve the unintended hurt – think ahead – all gone by Haslemere – last half of journey in dark solitude – to tired to think – here

cold salt air bliss

home

in

5

4

3

2

1

w a r m s t r u c t u r e

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