‘Its difficult but also extremely easy’
Portsmouth: January 4th
Wake at fear o clock – 4.07am
much troubled sleeping as yesterday aniversary of my mothers passing.
January 3rd 2013
wake early
dress
prepare kitchen
train
car
Wicks
Cotswold’s chippings
argument about identity
deer foot-printed grave
left 9 pink roses
sodden soil dirty knees
wipe headstone
plant flag with star map instructions
cry
car
cup of tea – eccles cake
crimson cyclamen
explain aspergers obsession with numbers and music with my father
car
flooded water meadow
post letters
cry
late train
Identity in question:
I don’t adhere to common superstitions that Aspergers is an impairment:
Definitely agree
Slightly agree
Slightly disagree
Definitely disagree
‘Circling around your answer’
Portsmouth January 1st
I am fascinated by hearing the landscape
Definitely agree
Slightly agree
Slightly disagree
Definitely disagree
I often find it unnecessary to see people in the dark
Definitely agree
Slightly agree
Slightly disagree
Definitely disagree
When I was young I enjoyed words
Definitely agree
Slightly agree
Slightly disagree
Definitely disagree
‘need 10’
Portsmouth: January 1st
woken at 1:35am screaming child next door
woken at 5:23am screaming child next door
woke at 7am – not at fear o’clock
Late up.
Seem to have found series of mirrored patterns in the matrix I have been working on during December – final making – commitment to tape on hold – waiting to solve one more enigma – cogs whirring – moving slow in damaged environment – repair please.
Words that match within a code
interuption
large
Cornish style seagulls
call voraciously in back garden
while I wait
Need
to solve
detail
before make whole
more complex to set as stone.
‘mixing concrete waiting for her return’
‘Louder than?’
Portsmouth December 30th
Wake at 3.23am ‘Fear o clock’ Listen to radio
Wake at 5.08am due to cat
Wake at 8.27am Listen to radio
Last couple of days been reading blogs both arts, sciences & aspergers finding a wide range of styles approaches and accessibility – access not only with reading but terminology and understanding – problem is everything – seen – heard – read – examined – always through those literal glasses – my shade of pink – tinted aspie filters
Have always felt its others who should understand my thinking and feeling because although I can understand ‘why’ I am still unable to ‘see or taste’ or conform to any other way.
Spend 24 minutes in front of SAD lamp
With aspergers I don’t feel there is informed choice over my ‘like or dislike’ – if ‘like’ its 100% if dislike its 100% and no matter how much efforts to do opposite there will be failure – Not an option – destined to only socially learn what is preordained for me to learn. Arts – Sciences – systems of all sorts but not the ‘human condition – as an accidental consequence I very rarly depict people – exception: Liberty’s in the 90’s – never include them in landscape photography – its the landscape that matters – that landscape learnt and read before I learnt to read about it – answer all the questions of what lays beneath.
Details required
what happens when, if, uncovered
Early artistic desire was beaten out of me at school – instead a turning to all science inspired by my Father – uncovering a natural ‘understanding’ for systemizing – have never heard the word refered too untill 2011 reading about ‘aspergers’ – knew one thing though early on – people were too unpredictable to ‘systemize’ satisfactorly – fingers burn still – baffling
turn to pencil instead.
Desired systems – depopulated – honest – untouched – learnting to trust solitary systems and the patterns attracted me – why – actions – learning now – it makes sense.
seek
Patterns
contained
in
ordinary
things
seat coverings,
crumpet tops,
pavement cracks,
waves breaching,
carpets
+
wooden floors,
stones,
landscapes,
sounds,
pages of book,
detuned radio signals
engine vibrations
scribble
‘harm-on-ic inter-val- 5’
Portsmouth December 28th
False alarm
wake at 2am
wake at 4.37am
Sit in the bath after lousy night listening to the news talking about ‘heading over’ a Fiscal Cliffs – appealing directly to my literalistic mind – am left wondering what a fiscal Cliff would look like – how high? where? what sort of rocks – what sort of fossils would it contain? tell me more – lots of missing details – you cant come to conclusion without details – the detail is sacrosanct
Zone fossil one: Inflaitoceras imminentatus
Aspergers demands detail – the whole picture is not clear when there is a lack of detail. Maybe some words or lines in 2 pt would do.
at 128,346 nodes my computer crashes
Day 7 of my week off – work again – systemizing myself alongside the environments that have been set up for the project.
Unable to rest – the desire to keep going is too strong – to think – the desire to create – artist 247 again – where in my head is the off switch – where in my genes is the ‘switch’ – artist – aspergers – dyslexia – triggers – differently wired – but not in the soldered sense.
breathing at 60bpm
Project is spinning round and round in my head – many to many layers – layers upon layers upon layers that no one can know – much complication – many directions – details – choices – ABC – choices of details A. A need to simplify while remaining honest to the fact – B. details not given away before the presentations in June 2013 and beyond – C. its harder to apply ideals of minimalism to the work – see the trees from the wood – leaves – the insects within – the atoms – how deep do you examine what you do – never satisfied as there is always something intentionally closer to look at – but for this project – a part of me – self – self taught – outsider – inwards self critical – taught with a lifetime of others ‘helpful suggestions’ that are ingrained.
I
will
throw
a dice
the choices
stripped away
1
2
3 4
5 6
on the radio the Thames barrier is not closing today
