Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking – Autism Research Centre residency

‘More than common intervals – a circle of fifths’

Portsmouth December 27th:

Been waking at 4 again – disappointed – head filled with misdirections – unsorted effects

Possibly this will be the last post of this year – I am trying to motivate after 6 days off – took 3 days to unwind enough not to notice I wasn’t working – ‘not working well’ – not been working at 100% for a while due to the PTSD but did my best – ‘artist wanted 24/7

present four: an intact bottle of whiskey

I find the whole situation ‘aspieunsatisfactory’ – after being repeatedly told sometimes that’s ‘all you can do’ – I am not sure I believe that – Carry on regardless despite the ‘aspieperfectionist’ that sits on both shoulders whispering opposites in both ears at once – a heavy burden to bare at the best of times let alone difficult ones

present three: 6 plain yellow and black pencils

tick tock tick tock – Seems I will be glad to leave 2012 behind in a few ways – Mum passing – becoming unwell – but may miss the time in diverse ways more – the stopping of collecting for Look About – 2012 has seen the start of working in Cambridge – the passing of the Torch Relay – RSA

Unsure about climate for artists in 2013 – maybe a year to concentrate on securing artists being centric despite the shifting climate and evolving environments.

Short break to fill bath with water using stack crate and kitchen sink

For me the most valuable is time to think and experiment – whether that be with a pencil and paper – a computer – a situation or sound – who will pay for artists to experiment? how do you attribute outcomes to satisfy an employer or grant giver?

present two: 12 coloured pencils in plain tube

Can be done – you can be selfish in developing yourself – Unfortunately an often ignored contribution to the wider community – Wondering – maybe need to make sure it stays that way.

KTS not KT boundary layers

Back to the dreams and repetitive waking at fear o’clock in the morning.

present one: a gift of chickens via ‘actionaid’

Type S – repeating lawfull patterns

Portsmouth December 20th

In 1982 I went to Florissant in Colorado as a day trip from Colorado Springs where I was staying. The drive was not without fun as we ploughed through a snowstorm climbing Pikes Peak on the highway in a tiny jeep. If it gets any worse we will chain up – this in response to a foot or so of fresh snow – A mere fraction of which would have brought the British transport system to a grinding halt.

Soon we were out and above the clouds – heading for somewhere read about as a kid and long immagined…

The Florissant Fossil beds formed during volcanic activity 34 million years ago – lake and valley floor deposits mixed with layers of tuff and lehar’s. They are widely known for the fossil plants they contain being excellently preserved. The volcano’s eruptions both destroying the environment but preserving the fauna ironically. repeated blooms, run offs eruptions and cycles forming micro layered paper shales trapping the plant material to be read like pages in a herbarium.

Although collecting is restricted within the National Park there were some road cuttings outside the boundary where leaves and wood could be found – in our case brushing away the snow first – a light covering echoing the ash many years previous.

http://www.nps.gov/flfo/index.htm

The repetitive appeals to me as does the inquiry – tracing the story – the minimalism of gradual change within cycles.Natural aspergers inquisitiveness – but I had to make sure it was ‘real’ – words in a book – lines on a map – photos – intangibles – but for the real thing – honest ash under your fingernails from scrabbling up a slope releasing long lost treasure only to be scrubbed clean that evening.

On second thoughts maybe I should have kept that too?

I type s:

s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s

‘to be Living or growing in or beside a lake’

Portsmouth December 19th

All surfaces around me are covered in a thin layer of fine ash – almost every minute I have to wipe the slate clean with a half hearted palm enabling me to read what lays beneath. Those snappy hidden words laying in wait for biteback and calm.

Discover secrets – family secrets – where can I see the touch of ‘his hand’ – which linage does the aspergers tumble down – uninhabited peaks on frozen islands.

I treasure the differences – minimalist in nature as each memory slips away from me – ptsd dstp ptsd dtsp has a certain symmetry in its dissonant attitude.

but the colour? where has the colour come from within this work – each time I brush the ash away, pull back the sheets I find colours….grown from non existent grey – you comfortable black and white thinker.

Amygdala

In my head filled with fear

In the tuff filled with hot born crystal

laid down in still waters

still

I find traces

I find connections – joyful

I find meanings by continuing to scribe numbers and letters in printed squares in the dead of night

no drawing yet

no drawing yet

no drawing yet

they will spill when the time is right

tick tock

tick tock

tick

tic

ic

‘Do I have compassion for myself’

Portsmouth December17th :

‘Sometimes I am in-doubt as if caste upon a strange unfamiliar shore’

Believing,

needing,

feeding,

that black-hole at the centre of my universe eating as it spins consuming not only words but confessions. ‘Art-science’ I think defines aspergers for me – observing – defining – reciting – slots – conjoins – values – symbiotic – receptors – binding – triggering – communicating a love affair.

accepted difference +

Socially,

others,

non understanders,

deliberaters

abusers

blockers that creep between membranes rejecting my differences as if they were non existent slots – never settling – never to activate on receipt or trigger positive thought. Leaving me to doubt my worth in pounds and pence and acceptability.

unaccepted difference –

‘do not pass the scales when I desire to find how balanced I am’

‘Please do not hesitate to send me a number where I can reach you Hawthorne’

Portsmouth: December 13th

Writing, sitting, listening to the fracking debate on the radio having caught my attention not only due to the news but being a trained geologist – its an interest of mine – whats underground – drawn to whats hidden. There is also another link/connection- I was able to attend a weekend of Ideas at the Barbican winning a twitter competition where one of the debates was about ‘Fracking’ – there on twitter and soon after in the lobby I met and chatted to one of the commissioning organisations Trustees – I like synchronicity.

Small worlds – where the virtual and real cross – connecting and patterns are an asperger obsession with me. Seemed strange being in the Barbican again though – I was last there in the early eighty’s quite soon after it opened – I particularly remember meeting Hunterwasser at his PV and having my mind Set changed by an exhibition of the Danish artist ‘Asger Jorn’ – The first I could really taste and hear (my Synaesthesia latent but reason unknown at that point) but again its down to asperger at the core.

I sometimes ask where did it come from in the family? How far back – if I look can I see a pattern develop – relatives – children – grandparents – the project is widening and the boundary between personal and project keeps blurring the more I look. Is it changing because I am looking? does the knowledge now change the history or just overlay like multiple sheets of tracing paper – to many and the original looses definition.

Fracking – cracking – have after several weeks of coding finally systemised another more important element of the project – never done by half now – stepped away into new territory – learning more that I can make – setting new rules before creation or are the rules the creation? – do I let the process underpinning the work be obvious or deliberately obscured – Choice – choice – choice – where to draw that line – does it really matter?

Imperceptibly blurring boundary’s again I need more ‘evidences’, more collecting to soothe an aspie mind.

Pages

Pages

Pages

Pages

of audible numbering

Pages

pages

Pages

or audible numbering (repeat)