Portsmouth 11th January
PTSD influences been bad for the last few days this week – I wake early part way through nightmares that cling well into the day – clear thinking distracted by neutral grey mists – the colour drained and replaced. Highlight of the week – an unearned island – respite – unexpected – was a comment received here about my use colour – positive – thank you.
Difficulty with colour – why – how – being synaesthetic evidently goes with my aspergers – objects and especially colours to me are not unliked or unappreciated but taste and shout connotations across the room – confrontations – overwhelming fears – often literally. Aspergers thinking often trends to the black and white.
Since early childhood colour has never been an easy duty – unexplained reactionary till recent – I have drawn since I can remember (4-5) always in thick dark graphite pencil or biro – the line – the non distracting line – pin sharp marks leading the eye to discovery.
As a book illustrator I desired the black and white commission – rare – satisfying – a self complete system – rare – rare – rare- often i had to ‘spoil’ this completeness by ‘realistic’ colouring in. It was hard to concentrate while I tasted yellow mold or heard red whisper contentious thoughts each time tube liberation to ceramic plate and then there was the mixing cacophony duality to catch and distract me wrong-footed at every stroke.
I am not saying I dont appreciate colour – some colours I desire – some I detest with vengence – I have my favorite shades and schemes that taste calm or are easy on the minds ear – i know what I like – in its rightful place they rest – just don’t ask me to choose from scratch – colour mind-blindness.
I have a known system with the use of a pencil – I know what I will get if i press hard or soft – tilt or twist
a known reaction
to my action
on the confines of paper
real or imaginary
alternatively
not near
as clear
with people
a
unregulated
systen
of often
disapointments
I will escape to calmness and sought for solitude in the grey pencil lines.
