Warm structures
Cambridge: January 25th
wake 4:27 – way to early – PTSD must be making up the hour from the other day – no escaping sometimes – will always catch you
Up but while dressing hold of the desire to pack – neat – fill – suitcase in order till I have had breakfast – head downstairs past the ‘hum’ – Eat – Same list as yesterday – becomes the new normal – but – there is a difference – for the first time another guest talks to me?
learn – review social learning – neurotypical behaviour – its OK – pass unseen – unexpectedly – it is correct to answer back – smile – this is not not not not intrusion
Impending weather becoming the correlation – middle ground – he is finishing early to head north – I am finishing early to head south – conversation till more guests make table to table contact impossible other than semaphore.
Packing when suddenly direct idea strikes – pathways – links – need to head in asap.
Pay – conversation
Walk in – paths mostly clear – dragging case behind – Icy passing – slow down as unable to change paths here – one way only – Once passed I cross the road for the final stretch – on non icy cycle way.
outside
Distressed I find a dead cat by the path – injured obviously – who says aspies are not emotive – he reminded me of Buster – I found him in 1997 and rang his owner – figured if I had a cat I would like to know one way or another if he was missing – she was very thankful and came to collect him – at least they knew – no collar on this one – I had to leave – walking on thinking of our ‘house’ cat at home – cant shift image – cant shift sinking feeling in pit of stomach.
Accosted by student in yellow ‘onesey’ carrying hand written Dover sign – charity escape – car stops picks her and companion up – is that safe?
Inside
work on the doc my idea has compelled me to do – clutching 12 print outs I head to room – unpack – give out – receive back – pathways chosen by others not me – I like reactions too – ask and Simon completes the circling task – all in all I will have 12 different paths – guidance from outside – I will not look at till I am rested to find the hidden patterns to absorb into the work.
Present sound work to some staff – lay out the sheets of paper – play – receive unexpected comments – all positive – seems intuition has served me well – directional – insights as to why open like a book – i desire to read more – clumsily I ask.
Share lunch with Ph.D students explaining – play – revel some of the secrets locked in to the work – safe – safe hands.
I prepare to go ahead of the incoming snow – guilt impinges at not doing the obsessional amount of hours I normally do – taxi call – goodbyes – emotional – I don’t wish to leave even though I know I will be back – taxi comes and I head to station – sad without a lamp to calm me.
Train in daylight luxury – seat – rabbits stand out oblivious against the fast snow landscape – London – tube – no personal space – invisibility – up – out – breath – here for train other-side of London – safe – in time
Usual seat empty – sit – others come – why tread on me just because you are in a hurry? – steel toed boots solve the unintended hurt – think ahead – all gone by Haslemere – last half of journey in dark solitude – to tired to think – here
cold salt air bliss
home
in
5
4
3
2
1
w a r m s t r u c t u r e
