Yes I have certainly tried the biggest mouthful of Chinese medication that I never thought I would ever face. The Chinese medication has certainly given me too many side effects I could feel my whole bodies nerves vibrating which has left me not being able to sleep properly. Also I have had to live on drinking salt water everyday to help heal any open wounds or disease within my bowel and this level of salt has reacted my levels of blood flow through my body which races my heart to a level that also stops me from sleeping.
Anxiety and depression in a diary – The memory traces of feelings and phrases in my mind that I wrote in China when I was suffering my illness…
“I never asked for this illness! I never asked for this suffering of not being able to eat the foods that I want to eat or the drinks that I wanted to drink like anyone else”!
“I never asked for any of this! I prayed to god that he would make all of this go away soon so that I could be normal again and be normal like everyone else that I know”.
“But I worked hard all my life to do so well! why I get treated like this”!
“Please dont give me anymore medication, it may effect my body and I might not be able to sleep”…
“I don’t wanna see anyone right now I am not in the mood I feel too bad and not normal like you other people”…
“I just want to leave this apartment and lose myself somewhere quiet where no person can see me so I can shout for help in my mind, I feel so helpless”
“No one believes me… no one can help me… People starting to dislike me because of my suffering, Must I suffer this whole time when I could be dying or have serious illness”?
“My parents are worried for me but yet they cannot help me as I am too far away… who can help me if my own girlfriend does not believe me yet”?
“I really think that my whole body and mind will never be the same after taking this many drugs, I just wanna be normal again, someone help me soon”…
Once I got back home I became even more like a drug addict…
Yeah… I had to take another heap of Medication but this time it was English version medication that was meant to help heal my inflammatory bowel disease and of course like always leads me to more anxiety taking more drugs. But thankfully right now I have stopped taking all of my medications apart from my inhalers because I have asthma anyway and with any luck this will be the only medication I ever take for a long long while.
Now I just wanna feel more normal again but lately I still been having trouble sleeping through the night and wake up at least 2 or 3 times without any reason. I guess I must still be getting over my suffering now maybe and still scares me a little when I think back of what had happened to me. Hopefully I never have to go through that nightmare ever again and just be that normal person who I was before I left to go China.
Does this relate to any art ideas?
Yes indeed! these experiences of my condition have certainly given me quite a lot of artistic ideas that I believe will turn out to be good art works. I have put some of these art ideas into my sketchbook which I can fall back on to see what ideas work best and pick the best one that I have drawn. Once I have picked out my best drawn sketches I can put them into practice and try my best to get the materials that I need to make my ideas.
