life after a degree – the beginning. Working title ” In the Footsteps of the Faithful”

This week I have been mostly engaging in diversionary tactics, to take my mind of the confusion of the church project. I did attend a quiz night at the church, we , somehow , came third, everyone else was clearly as useless as we were, but it was a pleasant evening.

I also had some photos developed that I took last year and had shelved. Now they have been developed I understand why I had left them ….yawn. It has made me think again about that ‘go nowhere’ project , another handy diversion. I had said that I would return to it in the winter, so perhaps I will.

Something both the church project and this has made me think about is whether I have a problem with people, (photographing them, engaging with them in general) which is very odd. Prior to my degree i worked as an IT trainer, talking for a living, for goodness sake, so why is engagement a problem now, on an artistic basis? This makes it sound as though I cannot photograph people which thinking back is obviously not the case as previous projects have proved. so why a problem now? is it because I am going down a path which wasn’t in my original plan? am I embarassed by my artistic-ness?

looking back, the projects that I think have been the most successful are the solitary ones, just me and the camera. maybe this is what I should stick to .

Yesterday I had a bit of therapy. Actually I had my hair cut but hairdressers are well known as unofficial psychologists/psychiatrists, so same thing. Anyway got some of the angst out of my system!

Have decided to take a bit of a step back from the touchy feeliness of the project. I think I want to try to persue the architectural angle but defer the people part until I feel a bt more comfortable.

In the meantime I have decided to process the film from my other “go nowhere” project, to actually see if they are any good. I am not sure why I haven’t had these done, but maybe if I like them I will continue with that project, which I had said I would return to in the winter anyway.

I think maybe I just need to get “out there” with my WISTA since it seems that is the only way I ever feel in context and like a photographer!

That could be my problem, I am estranged from my camera, and I am sure it is as unhappy as I am!

Why is it that when I was doing my degree, I felt my photographic practice was justified and I could pursue any idea that I wished without questioning its validity or wondering if I was exploiting my subjects. Everyone seemed to accept my odd /creative ideas, (presumably because I was mid degree) and yet now, post degree, it all seems so different….

On Sunday I went to church, the first time in many years, to meet the parishioners that would potentially become part of the project. They were lovely , friendly people. The service was modern and easy to follow, and enjoyable. Chatted to plenty of people who were interested in my ideas; I was invited to a small group meeting in someones house to get to know people better, and to a quiz night later this week.

But I am now finding it all a bit uncomfortable and want to step back. Somehow it feels as though I am intruding, or perhaps it is that I am intending to try to photograph their faith or their demonstration of it, something that is very personal and individual. Am I invading ther privacy?

While in the church I was thinking of what would make a good image. I loved the way the children were included in the service and weren’t afraid to wrestle on the carpet after the service when we were all drinking tea and chatting. There could have been some good pictures , but the parents might not have been so keen for me to photograph their children anyway.

I am beginning to think that this could be another “go nowhere” project, something I start but don’t finish because I feel awkward about it for some reason. The Advanced Professional Practice module seemed straightforward enough when I did it, but it didn’t include how to address internal conflict, lack of confidence, and crises of conscience post graduation. Now the protective cloak of student hood has gone, it seems I am exposed, and not the resourceful person I always claimed to be….what a disappointment.

I am feeling that maybe I should just photograph landscapes, or architecture or pretty flowers – just something I don’t have to interact with, or explain my ideas too. A subject that needs no understanding, that is obvious, shallow, that doesn’t make people look at me in a strange way…Maybe I should just become a hermit, a hermit with a large format camera, living in a cave……