Week 3 in the Post Intersections Exhibition Vaughan house. Helena is on the sofa. Neal is in the diary room.
The work of the artist is a constant tenitus in the mind. The thoughts and dreams mix with regrets and nightmares. I have enjoyed 'coming out' and experiencing producing artwork once more, but it maybe has not helped a low self esteem. My feeling about wanting to paint is strong, my fears and hate based on my abilities unfortunately is stronger still. I stopped 'searching' inside myself during my early twenties because I found it hard. The drip drip of ideas and thoughts became a deafening noise that I just wanted to stop. I shut off the ideas and my mind became a desert.
Now, my eyes are open again but things have changed. When I was young I found myself less able to focus, more confused, but absence of constraints, the innocence of youth made it easier to make mistakes. Now that carefree attitude has gone and also gone is the inspiration, the free thinking, but unfortunately the paranoia and hate still remains.
I want to answer everyone, be everything, I cannot an as such find it hard to justify myself, let alone my art.
My art is simplistic, boring, samey and I obviously know that. The problem is how to move on. I wanted to go back to basics but now I find myself scared of going forward.
