meeting points and disconnects: the cultural nuances of emotional expression.

We have some major quibbling now – one lady is really raising her voice – now its an old mans turn. There are about ten people in the room and me in the corner trying to look like things don’t matter. Arms are still folded. Well, I am proud of myself – I don’t look like I am involved at all – Now its 2.30 pm. So I was told that they all need to leave at 4pm. Mmmm. Nothing like pressure. I am feeling it now – my heart is beating, I feel uncomfortable and just want this shoot to end before its started. Not a great way to start a shoot.

OK. They are all standing in a circle and they are not quibbling any more – maybe someone is getting changed – this would be good. No – no good – the quibbling is loud, arms folded. This is not going to happen today and I will have six angry funeral criers on my hands. I have no idea what is going on. The old man is really shouting at the other women.

So how will I tell them to be quiet while we shoot – no mobiles, no laughing, no discussion. OK . I need to pay 300 RMB more otherwise they are all walking out. So, I am shooting five people today. It feels so frustrating – just not having a voice, just not being able to negotiate – not knowing the cultural nuances of how this transaction should be done.. Gosh, shooting funeral criers felt like a good idea at the time, but now I feel like I am involved with some sort of funeral mafia with ever shifting negotiations, and cash being the only language that anyone understands, or likes? Chinese spare no expense for funerals, and I guess this is how the negotiations go. The type of funeral reflect a family’s wealth, prestige and social status, so I guess these guys are used to negotiating – and profiteering from death.

Anyway, lets see how this goes. 2.38pm and still no shoot. But I have been told that I am invited to a funeral tonight. Someone is getting changed. This is a step in the right direction. Now I need everyone outside – quiet – no mobiles. I have told She to tell everyone to shut up. Will that work? No, they said they don’t want to go outside – they want to watch.

OK. 3.53 and all done – they are paid, out the door and I have been invited to a funeral but I will have to pay a lot – as I stand out as a foreigner and I will attract attention. I don’t think I should go to the funeral – I will attract too many questions, and they need to mourn, not look at me. I would go if I was invited to the funeral by the mourners, not the funeral parlour owner. Apparently the funerals happens in ‘tent’ type of structures, errected on spare land (I have no idea where they find spare land here, so I don’t think I have understood this information properly). The body stays there for a few days and everyone gathers to gamble, playing mahjong, and talk around the body. She asks – ‘Don’t you think its strange they gamble around the body?’. ‘We wouldn’t do that where I come from’.

Well. Here we are in the studio – the light just blew = just on 2pm. So ran to the electronics shop and bought 3 globes to be sure. All seems OK. The funeral criers are running late.

The funeral criers have come in – and She is telling them what to do – I have been told not to talk as they don’t want to be directed by me – it then becomes a foreigner cost. She said because she doesn’t speak the local language it is hard for her to organise – so they got another helper from Organhaus, a local guy to organise it. I need to pay him with some tobacco.

I have told She what I want – and now it is up to her to get the message through – I am told that I am a helper – I am just here to help with the cameras. Wow, well this is certainly a different way to shoot. There is a lot of charged discussion going on right now, and I am doing my best to make out I am not involved with this shoot – hence writing instead of trying to follow he discussion.

So we have four funeral criers. The money has been paid. I hope they have their outfits – more people are here – about seven of them now. More discussion. A lot of smoking going on, a lot of mobiles ringing. So I have set my mic down low

They seem to have six funeral criers – now they want more money. Some other discussion of 300-400 RMB more. I don’t nee six more funeral criers – but I have till 4pm to shoot I am told and they are still talking at 2.22pm. My camera battery wouldn’t last for six shoots – I would need to recharge and also down load. I said lets start shooting! I am so out of my depth with these negotiations. I just want the shoot to begin now, and for it to be done with – I am getting different messages from everywhere. I can’t act stressed that no shoot is happening. As I have been told that I am to look like I am an assistant.

Anyway, today I am just feeling in the midst of a big cultural gap. My skin shines out to everyone saying I am different. My lack of language makes me a cripple with communication. But even She says she feels this way – not speaking the local language. Everyone is gathered in the corner – discussions are being had – I have a feeling this shoot is not going to happen today. I am not sure how to hurry this along or what we are waiting for.

OK. 2.26pm all still negotiating. Fingers are being pointed. Raised language is happening. Arms are folded. I am not sure what is going on – but I am sure me standing in the middle of it won’t hurry it along. She mentioned before that the Chinese like the ‘quibble’ this is true – this is the ultimate in Quibbling going on right now. I really don’t think this shoot is going to happen today at all. I will be down 1200RMB with no shoot.

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We went to the Zoo on Friday – I thought it was best to go on a weekday – and that was a great choice it was really quiet. Pablo was excited to see the pandas and giraffes. I have only started going to the zoo in the last couple of years – Pablo loves it, and just seeing the animals reminds me of the vastness of nature, its a mix of wonder and sadness. The zoo wasn’t too bad, except for everyone tends to feed the animals. The bears were actually performing and clapping their hands enticing the crowds to feed them, despite the big signs saying please don’t feed the animals. One women was teasing the monkeys – pretending to give it chips and then laughing as the monkey got distressed as he couldn’t quite grab on to the chips. The Gorillas were motioning to the crowds to chuck them food. One person chucked a plastic bag full of prawn crackers over – I sort of yelped out a an instant ‘no!’ in response. A strange meeting with nature/humans. I didn’t know if I was in a zoo or circus. Sometimes Pablo, Matt and I were getting more stares than the animals. As we sat to rest and eat our bag full of manderins, we drew long stares, and everyone stopping to look at us. People will stand just a metre of so away and stare. We have got used to it – just smile, and go about our business.

I took a lot of footage of the teasing and of the monkeys going a bit wild. With their teeth bared, and their eyes wild, they look like they had lost it in those small cages. Gosh.

We walked through the city and found ourselves walking down some market lanes – started with flowers, then street food, then vegetables and live stock. Pablo is wow! Look at all those chickens in cages. ‘Oh, wow’ he says, ‘look at the ducky’. The women grabs one out, then wraps a wrope around its neck that has a weight on it, and kills it instantily, while weighing it at the same time. Matt saw what was happening and whisked Pablo out of there. I spent many years vegetarian, and its confronting to see the death of animals so in front of your face. Atleast they use every part of it. Livers, intestines, brains, feet, snouts, eyes, all are for sale at the market.

We were asked to join a group for a few beers last night – they spoke english so it was good to have a chat and find some insights about chongqing. For us, strange questions were asked: ‘I am chinese, so what do you think of me?, How do you respond? I just said ‘I don’t really know you, becuase I just met you 10 minutes ago – but you seem like a very nice person’. The questions are direct – how much money do you earn? What religion are you? etc. The sort of questions that are a little out of bounds at home. There are not many foriegners here – so their is a great interest in us. Why are we here? He tells me he is a real estate developer – to buy a home here – you own it for forty years and then you have to buy it again – like a leasehold. I said who owns it once your lease is finished. He said ‘oh, noone knows really’?. He says real estate is expensive, but I don’t see many people living on the street – so family must really look after each other. He says that most families always live together.

He tells us that China has nothing to believe in – what do I think? He tells me China is corrupt? What do i think? What do I think of the politics of China? He then tells me he works for ‘the party’. Matt and I were left wondering if we just had an interogation from the ‘part of the Chinese Republic party?’, or just having a polite conversation. Since I have been here, I have found no one really talks politics here at all – its sort of a out of bounds subject. Matt and I look at each other, laugh. This is the first political conversation I have had in China – and becuase of this, we felt something might have been a bit scew. We asked each other – why was he talking to us about politics? We felt we were turning into the Chinese idealogy – you might not like the government – but you don’t talk about it! When we ask what people think about the Ai Wei Wei situation – they say – ‘oh, he is a bit stupid – he doesn’t know how things are done here – he has had a life full of privalidges because his family is connected and he should respect it. He should know when to shut up’ – ‘he is taking great advantage of the international media’.

We are always trying to make sense of what happens in our day – there is so much of the day to day you just don’t understand – the nuances, everything is so different to what we know – I guess we are observers and slow responders.

Its an amazing experience being here, but it would take decades of living here before you could understand what is going on, and even then, your white skin would be a barrier. I do know it feels incredible safe – but at the same time, with Pablo, we are open, trusting, but always a little on guard, ready to respond if its needed. This sort of ‘vigilance’ creates a deep awareness of your day because the environment is so very different from at home. At home, I can go through a day and not remember much of it – as if on automatic, habituated to my environment. I can easily read signs, I know the etiquette, I know the small talk – things are easy. Here, there is constant responding and adjusting – I love the feeling – its addictive, time seems to go slower, by the end of the day you seem to have learnt more than you knew in the morning.

Also, I know its always a very different experience knowing you have a ticket out – this is an experience, given to me by Asialink, but I know it will end, so I seem to spend my days in gratitude of the experience. At the same time, if I was living here – and breathing in this air constantly, and being surrounded by people, I wonder if I would feel suffocated.

Today you can see about 400 meters and I can feel the effects of this in my throat

We got a bit lost going home last night – couldn’t find the train station, and then no cab would stop for us as it was peak hour. We found then found a train station, worked out where we were on the map, and we finally managed to get to our station with our chinese subway map. We were supposed to get on the 823 bus – it was too packed, and seemed too difficult to fight our way on – so we then tried for a cab – all full, no one stopping – so we then took one of the three wheelers home. Weaving in and out of traffic – buses pulling out in front of us – the little motor bike engine roaring away. We made it back to our street – what a lively street it is – Saturday night it is filled with market stalls and all the students hanging out – its a great area, so full of life.

We then went down to the Bar out the front of the apartment – Moon’s other bar. Pablo likes to play with the pool balls and Matt and I like to sit back, have a beer and discuss the day. The girls at the bar are obsessed with Pablo – and they just keep giving him lollies and chocolate – I am talking huge snickers bars, packets of lollies, pop corn, nuts, etc. Every time I turn around they are giving him more lollies – I can’t understand it – its right at dinner time – I feel like screaming ‘No!’, but I don’t want to offend them, but then again I don’t want my son eating all this bad food. And then I try to be a bit more zen – we are not here for ever, so I smile. So Pablo had two chicken sates, a bananna and heaps of lollies and chocolate for dinner. The other evening, we were sitting at a street food stall, just ordered dinner, a then a woman grabs him, hugs him, sort of forces him on her knee. I am on the look out to see if Pablo is getting distressed. And then, with her hand full of lollies, she just starts stuffing them in Pablo’s mouth. I got annoyed, motion ‘no’, and shook my head, thinking this would work. Then, she sort of pivoted herself around so I couldn’t see what she was doing and continued stuffing handfuls of lollies in his mouth…. Gosh, its crazy – I found myself getting really annoyed and took a few deep breaths. I am trying to teach pablo to always ask me first before he eats these lollies. I started to get paranoid after the directness of this lady, as I thought I saw pablo’s eyes were a bit droopy – he looked a bit spacey – what were those lollies she stuffed into his mouth? You just don’t really know what your eating here. Matt thinks he is was just on a sugar high, which is most likely – he hadn’t eaten for ages and then was filled with lollies. I don’t know. He was fine, but parenting here at times can be really testing as everyone feels they have full access to your child, which leaves us constantly on the look out. I don’t see the chinese kids eating so many lollies, but the kids here a treated like little gods, and they know lollies are a sure fire instant gratification way to make kids happy. I was talking to an artist here and she mentions one of the hardest things of having children here, is getting access to them as parents! Both grandparents fight over them, then all the friends want to spend time with them, then work collegues. Usually, when you have children, the grandparents will move back in with you to help look after them. We saw a lady with twins yesterday – what a blessing that is here – with the one child policy, to have twins is an absolute gift.