Musings of a little known Artist.

A few weeks ago, I ended up meeting a friend who lives locally at 3.30 am for a midnight stroll. I was up as I had been out with friends and knew that there was no way I would be falling asleep anytime soon so when I received a message saying that said friend would be going for a walk, I jumped at the opportunity.

I was intrigued as to why he wanted to go for a walk at 3 in the morning… what was keeping him awake? Weirdo! To some extent I even felt that this was my quirky thing and that he was stealing my thunder… obviously, I’m aware that if I enjoy midnight strolls through the city I’m also probably not the only one.

I’ve organised walks in dark woods for people who have never done so to experience nightfall in unfamiliar situations, but I’d never been for a walk with someone who actually enjoyed walking at night. So I set off on an adventure towards Primrose Hill, unsure how the experience of walking with company differes to walking on one’s lonesome…

… the conclusion….
The walk itself lasted several hours and I swiftly fell asleep around 7am once safely indoors, so the walk was successful in that respect. However, I realised how little one pays attention to one’s surroundings when accompanied on a walk. I was walking without really thinking where I was going. I wasn’t paying attention to all the details, the architecture, the sounds, flora or fauna. Was I safe? Was there someone behind me? Safety in numbers, didn’t allow for feelings of discomfort often associated with night time strolls. There was no fear of the unknown in this situation. I knew where I was going, who I was going with and that I was safe knowing that I had company. There was no room for Burke’s theory of subliminal fears triggured by darkness and the inability to see one’s surroundings.

In the few weeks since, I have found myself repeatedly thinking about Primrose hill at night… so much so that I decided I would have to return on my own. Which I did. Yesterday evening. With a tripod, sketchbook and materials. Its clearly been a while since I did this as I wasn’t wearing enough layers. Consequently, I took some photographs that I’m rather pleased with but gave up after one drawing of the cityscape… My toes were numb and my hands felt like blocks of ice despite the fact that I was wearing gloves.

That, and there were too many people around.
How is one supposed to think about feelings of discomfort and night time when there are runners huffing and puffing left right and center? I feel that another trip is needed, this time in the early hours of the morning to avoid congestion on the paths.

The last six months have passed in bit of blur…2011 has had a decidedly unstable start but this week marks the end of an era and the beginning of another. Two weeks ago I quit my job… I do now have another… what a shame that I’m yet to win the lottery and just be an artist all the time. At the new job, I will be working a mere 38 hours a week, as a pose to the 50 I have grown accustomed to. I will now have my evenings and my weekends off. Add this to the fact that I now find myself living on my own and I have lots of time to fill with creative activities that I’ve been longing to do for such a long time.

So what next… I want to do everything… I’m unsure how best to start this new life. I feel that things need to be done one step at a time as I’m concerned that the immense change that my life is seeing all at once may just become a tad overwhelming soon. So next month I plan to set up my studio space, this means a trip to ikea! which will provide me with a desk, a chair, a book case and drawers to put all my materials.

T’is tres exciting.

Next, set myself a brief? or should I just make it up as I go? working on different things depending on my mood? I’m inclined to write a brief or two as there are two projects that I want to make work towards. That way I can alternate between themes and ideas.

Something which I find interesting since I lost my marbles a few months ago is that I no longer feel that I must do a masters in order to survive. I would still love to do a masters, but it has suddenly become less important. I feel that actually it would be more beneficial to set up a practice (which doesn’t currently exist!) and perhaps analyze whether a masters is really what I want to do in a year or so. Making work is the priority… and maybe trying to exhibit… seeing art work… and talking about it! I miss talking about art and knowing everything about the current art world. Its time to start reading all the periodicals that I have subscribed to and paid for!

What say you on the matter?

A year on from my own degree show!

Last night i returned to my university for this years degree show. I year on since my own degree show, i made my way home feeling confused and disappointed. I mean no disrespect to any of the students participating but i left thinking that i didnt like a lot of the work.

There was a lot of painting, which i felt was of a good quality, as was the photography and the printing. The more conceptual work i seemed to struggle with. I found it difficult to appreciate and admire.

But instead of this meaning that the work isn’t very good, i’m now thinking that it has nothing to do with the quality of the work but comes from my own lack of understanding and my mental block when it comes to conceptual and sculptural work.

I find it very hard to appreciate sculptural and conceptual work. I just dont get it. i know it sounds ignorant but i really struggle. With the more conceptual work, if i know the history, the thought process, where it has come from then i will be able to relate or empathise better which in turn means that my appreciation is much better.

But at the degree show, i didnt have the opportunity to read about the work like i would have liked to nor to talk to the artists. The ones that i did manage to, i got a much better understanding.

So I’ve reached the conclusion that its me not you. Its my mental block the prevents me from being able to enjoy more of the work on show.

But it also worries me. I dont think that my work is particularly conceptual. Perhaps some people might thing it is, i see it as an obsession with night and darkness. How many people at my own degree show went away feeling the same way i did last night? what if the people that see my work at the the exhibition in august, leave feeling the same way that i left feeling yesterday?

i dont people to come along to my private view and think, wow that was really crap! So surely, hard work and effort will prevent this from happening? does one need anymore motivation than that?

In January I set myself a year long project that i would be able to complete alongside my full time job. The idea, to keep me making artwork and gain some exhibiting experience. I’m interested in the theories of the sublime and the uncanny, I’m slightly obsessed with darkness, mainly through an irrational fear of the dark. Though I’m scared of the dark, i have always been compelled to walk at night, through the city, the countryside, abroad and in the woods. I find it theraputic, inspiring and terrifying.

I approached a friend from my degree to see if he would be interested in exhibiting together as our work stems from an interest in the same theories and thoughts but has completely different outcomes. This is not a collaboration. I just thought it would be nice to do this together for experience as it appeared we had each set ourselves a project.

I’m a printer, but a lot of my prints are developed from drawings on walks and long exposure photographs, i wanted to split the project over the year with a summer exhibition of the photographs and the prints at the end of the year. I feel that its time to give my photographs some credit, i dont think they’re half bad. i dont see myself as a photographer but I’m not an amatur. Maybe i am, who knows.

The photographs are taken in west london in an inspiring urban environmental that i’ve always loved. There are elements to the area that remind me of ‘blade runner’ and ‘rear window’.

I’m really pleased with the way the photos are coming along, i’m starting to see groups that could be placed together for the exhibition. I’m starting to identify themes and i now want to take more photos with this in mind.

But as time passes i’m starting to take heed of the gallerist, perhaps the photos on their own won’t suffice? How will they look next to the other artist’s work which at the moment looks like it will comprised of large paintings/collage/screen-prints? Part of me thinks that the stark difference in the aesthetics of the work could really work. but what if the work is too different? My digital cityscape photographs and his handmade rural paintings/collage/screenprints? match in heaven or a disaster waiting to happen?

I have started planning out prints that i want to make. At the gallerist’s suggestion, i had thought to display both photos and prints together. she even suggested some sort of projection or animation but i dont know where that suggestion came from. in some ways my photos and prints could tie our work together quite nicely, but then i’m not sure that the photos would work next to the prints… and so the doubt continues.

But as i take more photos and start looking at which ones look good together in diptics and triptics, i get excited. Is that because they actually are good? Can a actually make this work? I think the rebel is coming out in me and though i have doubts, for the first time since I got the exhibition space, i’m starting to feel like i’ll be able to say, that i presented my proposal, photos that I’d already taken and you (the gallerist) agreed and this is how i want things to pan out.

And i want to be true to my original idea. It won’t be the end of the world if our work doesnt look good together, we’ll learn from the experience and move on.

But i want it to work. I’m proud of my photos and think they can stand on their own two legs, but will the audiance agree? what if i’m actually dilisusional and the photos really are just average photos, afterall “anyone can take photos at night”. But the point is, most never do. How many people walk around at night? How many people hear the birds singing at night? How many people feel safe outside at night? Are they any safer behind the closed windows with the lights on? Personally, I always sleep better after a midnight walk.

I am a Professional Artist!

Today I went along to the artists forum in Bethanal Green. In the space of 2 hours I took in a lot of information, was told to sell myself as a professional artist and decided to start up this blog, of which I can only hope that this is the first of many posts.

I’m unsure of how blogging artistically will work for me, I imagine it will be a bit like my journal. I think I’ll approach it as an outlet for my thoughts, ideas and experiances. Does that make it my diary?

A year on from graduation, I find myself working full time in the catering industry, unable to decrease my hours as i attempt to make enough money for all the bills. I struggle to keep face as I attempt to make artwork alongside a 45 hour week whilst organising an exhibition in the summer.

But its ok because I’m happy in the knowledge that i’m working towards the sort of lifestyle that i’ve wanted since i can remember. Things are happening slowly, but they’re happening. I know that one day, maybe sooner than i think, i will be able to dedicate myself to my passion.

So join me and help me as i embark on this journey to assert myself as a professional artist.