I arrived in Toronto first and then Montreal after. I didn’t rush to the airport like I usually do. I rush around constantly. I don’t travel during the morning rush because it gives me panic attacks. The sky is lower in London and I feel tense unless its sunny. When its sunny I feel really happy.

I didn’t rush to the airport like I normally do. I don’t travel in the morning rush because I get panic attacks.  I felt distracted by something else so I didn’t have a panic attack even though I felt weird about taking up space and having a big luggage on the train.

Coming back to North America made me feel really excited. Right now I feel vaguely intense. We are performing tonight in Toronto. The sky is really big here and I have too much space. My mind is really wandering all over the place because there is too much space. It is a good place to start making a new work.

I used to come to Canada every summer growing up because some of my family lives here. It is nice to be here now because for the first time I can engage with something else in a familiar place.

And its hot and sunny and I love that.

Montreal/Studio303/Nationalism/NO NATIONALISM/Deppaneur/Dancing/Vaporwave/Canada Day/Haudenosaunee Confederacy (What is now called Montreal)

Me and Ellen are making a new work around Nationalism and we are calling it “Nationalism”. At least at the present moment. Maybe that will change. We both have a practice of obfuscating one-one relationships between the title of work and what appears in the work so maybe all of this will change. Maybe we won’t arrive at any conclusion of what Nationalism may look like in the form of our duet.

We started soon after I arrived in the Haudenosaunee Confederacy, which is now known as Montreal. There is a big conversation here around the indigenous population of Canada and I would like to recognise that as the place where we are making this work and as the activity being supported by a-n.

As me and Ellen talk and dance and talk and dance and make drama and dance and talk and make drama and cry and talk and dance and dance and dance and perform and dance and talk and cry and make anti-drama and dance we are also witnessing the tenseness of the topic of nationalism and our relationship to that term as artists.

We started our rehearsals by having a photo shoot for the Toronto Star. We joked about starting all new work by having a random photo shoot first because it really is interesting how we come to conceptualise something and relate to each other for a photograph of a work we have not made yet. At some point along the process, we got approached to perform a work-in-progress at the Toronto Community Love-In’s annual PS We are all here festival.

Then we worked and worked and worked in Studio 303. Studio 303 is a great space with great people running it and we were so supported. We had unfettered access to the space which means that we worked and worked and worked. Every day we rehearsed up to 3 times in one day, starting in the morning, breaking for lunch, coming back, breaking for dinner, and coming back again. We’ve made a lot of material; dances, songs, organisations, patterns, structures. This culminated in a showing of our work to the staff of Studio 303, including the Director, Miriam Ginestier, and writer Jacob Wren. We are waiting for photos and video and I will update this post with them later.

We are performing tonight in Toronto. We are excited to continue both of our practices of making and putting it out there because performance is another kind of studio research, for us.

 

 

**I had some issues creating this blog because there was something wrong with my membership.**

 

 

 


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Rural space makes me anxious and yet here we are

It is good to be open and allow other things to enact new things on your process, life, choreography, and otherwise

But I can’t conceptualise in the rural space because it makes me angry

The air is cleaner but I already feel I can’t breathe any better and I just want to sit with that

Is it safe to make work around/against/interrogating/questioning nationalism right now?

The United States is so young and it felt evident when crossing that border

Feeling like you shouldn’t or don’t belong is another kind of terrorism that no one wants to talk about

Crossing the border, I am reminded why I continue to make choreography

NEXT/NEXT/NEXt
NEXT/NEXT/NEXT

 

For some reason I cannot make anymore blog posts, so this one will have to be the one that explains it all.

I am a slow thinker and because I process everything with my whole body and all at once, I need time to think before I can formulate my words and write about my experiences. Sometimes I’m not sure about myself as an author of my own experience, so I need time to rest in that.

Vermont is really beautiful and sometimes pictures are better than words to tell us all something we do/don’t know.

Here are some images.

 

Our time in Vermont was eventful, fruitful, full-on. Now that I have left and am on my way back to the UK, I can see our experience there with a wider lens.

It was tense at times. We were forced to negotiate with our work in ways we wouldn’t have had we stayed in the city. We had to look at ourselves and we had to look at our work. We had to look at our work, unfinished, but already layered with so much meaning. We had to watch and be in close corners with supporters of a government that we both find abhorrent, violent, misogynistic, and racist.

We had to say, does our work speak to these kinds of people? Can it? Will it? Will we? We worried about our safety. One has to understand that making art under hostile regimes and climates can endanger lives. We decided that our work was not in the state to be shown in this environment. We felt sad and disheartened by that. Maybe when it’s done.#

We did make a lot of progress. We stared at flowers. We tried to get those around us to understand our position and our methodologies for making choreography (something unseen by VPL and the surrounding community). We made cases. It was tense, but I think we all learned immensely.

We even got an apology from the Director for the image of Blackface in our rehearsal space. I felt traumatised watching that and knowing how violence continues against certain bodies in the United States. I felt scared but we got an apology.

We drove back to Montreal. We crossed the border late at night and got to Montreal in time to have pasta. Wounded by our experience in Vermont but stronger in our resolve to continue to make the relevant work we are making. We will also continue to interrogate the intersection between our politics of love and our desire to cross and create solidarity irregardless of borders and barriers.

Thank you VPL for everything.

MEET OLIVIER BERTRAND, DIRECTOR OF THEATRE LA CHAPELLE

 

our work is going to live here next year for two weeks. many thanks to everyone, studio 303 (especially miriam ginestier),  vpl (sara coffey), theatre la chapelle (olivier bertrand) and everyone we encountered on the beginnings of our new work process. The support from a-n has been so welcome and has sparked something exciting in my career and development as an artist. Eternally grateful.


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its not fair

its not fair

its not fair

its not fair

its not fair

its not fair

its not fair

its not fair

why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? 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why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space? why do racist histories get maintained? why did i have to see that image with that man in blackface hanging in two separate places in my rehearsal space?

it’s mad intense…

 


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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i was so excited to arrive in toronto again
i need multiculturalism
everybody hates it right now but i’ll never give up on it
toronto is very special for that kind’ve thing

we arrived in toronto by bus
this is the second time i’ve been here this week
i know one part of toronto fairly well
my family lives here

there are a lot of high rises there
many more than i remember when i was younger
but the strip mall is still at the top of the road
and the roti shop is still there

it was nice to bring my work to the same place where my family is

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

We are performing another iteration of our work and treating the performance as a space to research how we can talk about the things we want to talk about. We don’t want to do any talking in the work because that appears dogmatic and I am personally adverse to any form of authoritarianism. You could go to a lecture for that. Sometimes I do lectures but it is always about understanding how to find freedoms there. I am making choreography because I am (literally) sick of dogmatism.

Toronto is deeply vibrant and its pluralism is very brash. I feel so alive here and it is leaving imprints on my body every minute. Those imprints are going to be visible on my body because we aren’t doing anything else other than working. Working through all of the things I am feeling. Working through all of the impossibilities and probabilities present/not available in the choreographic form.

I wonder what the Toronto Dance Community Love-In has in store for us and our work. I wonder how our work will land here. In any case it is research for me. I am working and that is all I know how to do.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

we arrived in toronto with a mission
to soak it all in and to show us working
we had technical rehearsal the night we arrived
and this was not apart of the plan

i don’t know how to understand nationalism in this context and perhaps that is valuable information

i don’t know how to understand my previous life in toronto with the one that i am interacting with now being so different

i don’t know how to understand why toronto feels so good

i don’t know how to understand how we even ended up here

i don’t know how to understand how performing an iteration of our work at this stage will change it

i don’t know how to understand how little i care about that

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

we performed our work twice
on the first night it went like this:

we had a very blurry beginning
we danced
we danced for a while because there is so much there
we sometimes dance together but we aren’t interested in making a duet that is about romance/romanticism
some might say duets are always romantic but i don’t agree
it is politically dubious to say that the only two way different people can relate is through the romantic lens
its phobic and i feel that
so then we start singing a song
a ballad by justin timberlake
we only know some of the words but we keep going on
you didn’t love me enough
and then i start singing beyonce
we trail off and groan and moan and scream and shout and talk and deconstruct everything we just built
we put the synthesizer on and then we leave
we go off and out and we transform
we become folk band

i take a risk
i sing and scream “canada needs to go”
i don’t mean it and i get sad that i said it
but i also don’t understand why we identify alongside institutions and not people
i am not the country i come from or live in
i am flesh
i have blood
there are imprints, yes
but the way i handle those
it’s just more complicated than that.

i felt a little bit lost at the end of the night but the pia bouman theatre erupted with applause and i felt conflicted…satisfied…but deeply conflicted.

the second night went like this:
dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance

i preferred this i think

we are taking all of this information with us because i am nervous to go to vermont.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

sincerely yours,

easy breezy beautiful cover girl

PS: This is 420 Spadina Avenue. My Toronto home.

 

 


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