Night Soil

The Undertaker’s Wind
www.pearlville.blogspot.com

It is raining upon Ipswich’s grey slate rooftops. In this weather they take on a grim heaviness. Or it could be my mood. This morning I awoke to discover my Bank had failed to stop a standing order to my old landlord and I was £450 poorer. Thankfully while I slumped listlessly o the sofa the inestimable Miss D brought her not inconsiderable skills to bear and I have been promised a cheque in the very near future. After a light luncheon of Sainsbury’s sushi and coffee she also ushered me to sign on at a new doctor’s surgery in the hope of getting me medicated at the earliest opportunity. I am to see Corita (the exotic nurse) for a preliminary checkup on the 5th. No news form M or B but I have been in constant contact with Miss Shelley who is preparing some sort of web presence for Pearlville. Soon I will be in Manchester again. Action and purpose will do me good.

“Good show. According to the CIA she’s a corker.”

Sarah sent me my instructions this morning. I was to upload an array of video files to the Wesendit site. I have exceeded the fair usage policy on my tmobile dongle so I had to get all the work done before 4pm when I am restricted to basic browsing only. I calculated that the files would take about four hours to upload over the 3G network, plenty of time. I began the process at ten after a breakfast of scrambled eggs toast and coffee. It is now 15:32 and the work is done. Mr Bracey has gone very quiet but I am unwilling to interrupt him as he is no doubt in a panic getting ready for Unspooling. With over 20 international artists involved I do not envy him and the redoubtable Mr Griffiths. I was very excited to discover this (entirely by accident). If it doesn’t play follow this link .

“Bond shot straight into the screaming mouth”

I have sent a large email containing images of recent work to M, no reply. I also heard that my (admittedly shambolic) application for an Animate commission has failed. On top of this the young security guard at work today was such an officious idiot that I turned around and went home. I would have liked to have karate chopped him in the neck but couldn’t summon the nerve. Instead I took one of my growing collection of bikes off into the countryside. This bike (as yet unnamed, although Bernard is favourite) is, or as I write was, largely untested at speed since I put it together last week. The steep descent from the Shotley peninsular soon put it through its paces and apart from a tendency to swerve due to an over tight headset (I think) It only caused me to scream a little.

It is only a week now until I travel to Manchester.

Michael Aspel

I have found a little more time to work on my plan. As with all Arts Council Awards, budget is paramount. I spent a little time looking for presenters for my gala event. Obviously Michael Aspel was my first choice but, having heard that he had been unwell, I was preparing myself to be satisfied with Dale Winton or even Jim Bowen. I was delighted however to find that “Radio City” (the celebrity booking agency) still had him on their books for a very reasonable appearance fee of between £6000 and £10,000. Jim Bowen was cheaper. I wonder how these figures are arrived at? Anyway Aspel’s bio seems eminently suitable, I have sent an enquiry as to his availability:

Michael Aspel’s career began as a radio actor with the BBC in Cardiff in 1954.

He became a nationally known personality on both television and radio, firstly as a television newsreader and, subsequently, as a presenter of numerous television and radio programmes including Family Favourites, Miss World, Crackerjack, Personal Cinema, Aspel And Company, Today, After Seven, Star Games, Ask Aspel, Eric & Ernie’s Variety Days, Ultra Quiz and the Bafta Awards.

Michael entered into an exclusive contract with London Weekend Television to present several programmes including The 6 O’clock Show, Child’s Play, and his talk show Aspel And Company, and he has presented several specials in The Trouble With… series.

Subsequently, he presented Strange… But True? about the supernatural and Caught On Camera where extraordinary events were recorded in film and video.
He hosted ITN’s V.E. Day Programme in May 1995, along with Lights Camera Action for ITV which was a series of six programmes to celebrate the centenary of the cinema.

Michael currently hosts two of BBC ONE’s longest running and successful shows. He succeeded Eammon Andrews as presenter of This Is Your Life and then took over from Hugh Scully as presen ter of the Antiques Roadshow.

Over the years, Michael has been voted Variety Club ITV Personality of the Year and TV Times Television Personality of the Year. He has appeared in several pantomimes, co-starred in a run of Say Who You Are and has narrated Side By Side By Sondheim.

Michael was awarded the OBE in 1993 for services to broadcasting and was recently voted into the Royal Television Society Hall of Fame for outstanding services to television.

Invasive Proceedures

Received an alarming email this evening just as I was unwinding with a vodka tonic. I have been watching “The Wire” on DVD. In the last episode there was a scene in which the entire script consisted of the word “fuck” and only the word “fuck”. It crescendoed with the line “motherfucker….. fuckme” The scene, as I read this email to Miss Dover, ran in much the same vein. Ms Chan seems to have made me an appointment with some sort of “Art Doctor” who looks like Derren Brown in disguise. I am not a great fan of doctors or the many humiliations they carry with them. Is Dr Clarke a gp of art I wonder? or something more sinister? Am I displaying a bond-like primal fear here? I include details from the email below with my childishly fearful annotations in brackets.

Dear artists,

Just emailing you to introduce myself and to let you know that we are organising an event called: (my heart-rate rose here and cold pins and needles spread across the nape of my neck)

UnSpooling / Artists’ Clinic
Cornerhouse, Galleries 2 & 3, Sat 02 Oct 15.00 – 17.00 / FREE

Artists’ Clinic (let me tell you here that I have seen an episode of something called “embarrassing bodies” on television and I was not impressed) consists of quick fire diagnostics and ‘artistic examinations’ posing questions about the production, identity and normal experience of cinema. As well as offering facts about the artists and their work, audiences can make appointments for their own personal check-up – a chance for a more in-depth conversation with artists in UnSpooling. (if I haven’t drunk myself into a coma)

As some of you may already know (I did not know this. Who knew this? Why wasn’t I told? Actually I know why I wasn’t told) this event will be facilitated by Chris and we hope you can all take part. At some point, Chris may be in contact
with you to ask you some questions as this forms part of his role as ‘art doctor’ where he will be providing quick fire diagnostics of your artworks. (here I know I will roll over like a puppy)

We are currently in the process of finalising the finer details of the event, but please find below a rough schedule, that may change slightly, depending on what Chris decides.
(great let’s do it)