post lunch dessert

this evening i’m listening to an old favourite.

the last couple of weeks have been something of a shock.

the shock is subsiding and this evening i’m feeling more relaxed and calmer than i have since being in eden.

i’ve come to add a post at this time. as i compsoe my thoughts, i wonder if i just need to feel calm and steer around the deeper insight writing that i have been doing since beginning this blog.

while in eden i tried to consider an idea i’m discussing with a group in belper.  this evening i feel the need for distance from that project to afford me time to reflect, edit and form.

(the timing of the floyd concert from ’89 is rather pleasing.)

yesterday evening i asked of myself “what am i doing”

on saturday i’ve got a chance to go and do.

oh peace !!!

p.s.

i was taken by jack vettriano’s frankness in this

like a week ago, i’ve woken up on sunday feeling more rested than the last couple of days.  still in hyper sensitivity, actions around me impact and impart.  i hold onto the rails and wait for calm to return.

a week a go today i sat and listened to sue hill speak of her practice.  she had that calm air about herself, smiled freely and i cried.

she spoke of keeping it simple, it’s ok to do small things and keep going in a project even though it appears very few people are engaging with it.

i tweeted a few tweets and i’d like to record this one here :

“lets bring emotion into the conversation” sue hill #julycamp— andrew martyn sugars (@andrewsugars) July 20, 2014

post sue hill came probably the most influential session of the weekend for me.  we were given a creative exercise to do. i do have to admit that when i walked into the venue on sunday morning there was a sense of dread about what we might be asked to do.

my inhibitions and shy ness were to not be relied upon.

the exercise was to imagine a future.

we split into groups, collected a tray and were invited to use the provided materials to imagine a future …

i worked with two ladies.

as i approached the table where the tray was, my thinking towards the task centred on what i would need. something i’d not had enough of for the weekend was sleep and going forward sleep was going to be my most important thing. so my starting point was i needed somewhere to sleep.

between us the group decided that this approach was acceptable (focusing on a need) and the other two joined in with the considering a need.

fire … we all agreed that fire was defintely a need.  we’d just istened to sue hill’s presentation in which a lot of her work involved fire.

we set off to imagine our futures …

i felt relaxed and happy as i first created the base for the fire and then my bed.  the working atmosphere was happy and relaxed, we were all happy and relaxed.

the lady faciliting the session announced we had five minutes left…

the tray was looking good yet there was still a lot of space in it. we had a discussion about wether we should fill in the gaps or if we liked it as it was. we all agreed that space was good.

the facilitator invited all the groups to find a name for the piece. very quickly i used the first three letters of our names and formed something from that. there was a little confusion but the others went with it.

ours was the first to be group critted.  we spoke about what was in the future vision and why. the facilitator was really taken with the space. she commented that she felt it was a piece with depth. the three of us very very proud of what we had achieved.

in the tuesday of the week following this workshop, i drew upon the workshop experience in a project development meeting to argue that when imagining a future, one will draw on one’s own present to create that vision.  i argue that future is present and to make a better future, we conciously do better things in the present.

we can all be engineers of optimism.

a week ago i was in cornwall.

this morning i’ve a woke to more distressful processing of the experience and then i ate.

i don’t understand why it’s taking so long to get through to the positives. the sustainable positives.

while i ate my crumpet this morning i mused over me and my position. i work full time and receive no financial return. last weekend i didn’t meet anyone who did the same. however this conversation didn;t happen.

from snippets learnt the weekend was for those with full time occupations and voluntary interests intended to help make better their community.  i wonder if i so how have askewed view of community.

i’m still processing that a part of the town where i grew up has got so left behind that there has been a 10 year award of money to try to stabalise the location.

my partner is becoming quite frustrated with me, understanibly so.

currently i’m working to develop a project for the transition group in the town where i now live.  i was hoping that my experience of last weekend might help to influence the project.

in amougst all the anxiety, i do believe that last weekend will be positive as i beleive that all experiences can in some small way have a positive impact, if the lessons leanrt are applied in a thoughtful and positive manner.

o m g

am i spouting generic nonsense ?????????????????????

what t f am i doing ????????????????????

wallow wallow wallow ……….

sugars get a grip.

stop wailing man.

look up.

so what you work with no reward. you can do this because you can do this. stop moaning and trying to be some special case.  so you’re worried that sometime in the “future” the situation you’re in will be different. so what. get you head out of yourself and enegage in the present.

i’m listening to this while i compose this post :

i had a day off from the dessert yesterday.  gave me time to think and consider. gave me time to work on another endeavour i have at the moment… working through a store of things from my earlier life. yesterday i read a bunch of reports …

on an accompanying blog i’ve writte about my reactions to this finding.

i’m still a little un happy.

this post is of course my working stuff out and will be written and composed as it all comes out. i’m very aware that it might be a little too harsh to read and maybe should come with a “it’s ok to stop now” clause.

why am i unhappy?

it’s a feeling i’m left with after the weekend.

i’m going to try and attempt to work through this here. i don’t known why exactly but i feel i should apologise for wanting to do this.

the reports show that my school career was full of doing my best and being told it wasn’t good enough.  i don’t understand why my articulacy leads others to form a view of me that when it doesn’t carry on in other apsects of what i do leads them to walk away.

the sunday activity closed with a writing of feedback. someone in the group spoke of giving me permission, as in one of their sessions they had needed to feel that someone gave them permission to do stuff.

in fact on a led walk i experienced, we were encouraed to do stuff without permissions. i wonder if this is with danger as yet unknown? i spoke generally of my snee snaw project.

i spoke to the lady who gave me permission. i’d said i didn’t need it. it did however get me to think about what i did need.  i do need encouragement, i do need peer support.

where i now live i engage with various groups and people. sometimes when i’m feeling de-energised because of the work i do to process and keep up i’d really like to say “i need your help”.  i sit now thinking the obvious retort to be recieved is “ask it”  my perception is that i’ll not receive what i need. (maybe this is a protection strategy – and do i trust enough to ask – are the interaction environments suitable in which to ask the for help?)

can i be critical of an experience when the experience is provided to me for free?

politness suggests that i should be grateful and accepting. however this is bland and beige.

experiences of creating things for others have shown that being critical is part and parcel of anything provided to others to experience.

(i am of course verbally discussing all this stuff with my partner… prior to writing.)

intellectually one would hope that the experience is so well put together that there is no need to be critical.

all the whoops and crys of amazing suggest that there is no need to be critical.  i’m not being critical for the sake of being critical … simply trying to disapate the feelings of disappointment and despair set up in the weekend.

(i have a sense of my intellectual position being out of sync with my other abilities – like i have a disability – not seen – so not widely acknowleged.)

when walking around the site and being set something to do, being told by the leader that this is a special experience and never to be repeated leaves me wanting space to get to that in my own time. if the leader tells me about the making of a sculpture, something i’ll not get to on my own, yes please.  the person leading the walk later came over to talk with me, for us to be interupted by a special dietry requirement question from a member of the  catering staff.

i also needed to converse with people at a deeper level, to explore philosphical questions. i did have once such conversation on saturday lunchtime.

bouncing once again off of thoughts to do about me, i sense mental health dwindling and danger signs apperaing. once again mental strength engages to stop the slip.

so where does this lead my practice …

maybe i give in and say everything i do is about my identity. sounds so boring and dull and uninspired.

what i do say is that i want people to have their own space to interpret any work for themselves.

i need help.

i need help with self esteem about why anyone should pay me for the things i make. i’m feeling very second division today.

i feel that if i really set out where i am and what i’m interested in and make stuff about that … that my isolation becomes greater because it’s off of the path of …….

while we were at the camp, on friday night … we got a lift to a nearby beach with pub. we needed to get back to the hotel. it was dark (after 10:30pm). the member of staff who had given us the lift ws panicy about us walking back. we did it and i personally really enjoyed the experience.  still had trouble sleeping, the hotel had no air conditioning and the room was unbearably hot. ( for the record the walk back took 1 hour 11 minutes and 19 seconds.)

i know i have to do something different.

this is the only thing that remains constant.

in my heart i know that things i make to make me feel happy are possibly not rigourous enough for a gallery … at least those running the gallery.

i’m interested in possible futures.

i’m interested in the notion of concious evolution.

i’m interested in future as post present.

i’m interested in space for the individual.

i know with first followers my esteem will be greater.  putting in effort for it not to be seen/heard/ received is debilitating.

and now i see i’m part of my own problem.

time to centre on needs, the problem will always be there.