in approaching a blog entry, there are clear guidelines about how not to start it, somehow irreverence is in the house so i’ll start by stating that i want to write something and as always struggle to construct the opening line.
i’ve maintained my flaberghastness at the amount of words involved in visual arts. there does come a time where i have to stop and ask am i in the right place?
in arriving here today i see an entry by rob turner on the home page and i smile as that’s a name i know from interacting with him, some of the very few interactions.
so post easter and pre summer, i am thinking that i’ve somehow gotten myself into a place that doesn;t suit me. i might like it here as there lots of clever people and so by association it makes me clever too, however i can’t be that clever if i remain there and can’t talk to anyone because of something to do with me. i can scream and scream and scream til i’m sick, but that’ll not progress my professional development. no, i have to once again look at that for myself and accept that i tried here and didn’t fully understand it.
i take some time to reflect and see what bye road is available.
of late i’ve stretched myself a little too thinly across all the projects that i find myself interested in. i’m now aware of this and have taken steps to ensure that i rest this week and enjoy myself again.
the stretching caused tension in me that was difficult to entertain as it set up awkward questions in me about me. with help and support of those around me i’ve been able to get through it. now i gently pick up the pieces.
one piece picked up was the aa2a blog. i added words and another image. my day finished off with a lift with the news that the image has been picked for their ‘pic of the week’ it’s the little things for me that make the difference, oh such a cliche i know and i laugh at myself for it.
did you see the recent guardian survey results for words to be avoided in arts related press releases ? i wonder what is becoming of the oh so important formal language of art. is there to be a kick back from it and more straight forward words to be used? it resonates with me as recently the words we chose to describe the call out for the belper art trail were described as ‘chatty’ and ‘not formal enough to attract artists of a national standing’ the implications of this criticism had implications for my own practice and got me down for several days. makes me even more aware of the work i make has to exceptional if i cannot use the formal language required to loft it to national status. i have of course been here before and i guess it will continue to be with me, until such time that formalities are dropped and there is smoking allowed while wearing one’s jacket.
i’m excited.
lately it has been feeling that my world is making sense to me.
through the aa2a scheme i have looked at some books from the ntu library. books about database narrative. what i didn’t expect to find was discussion of collaboration. what i didn’t expect to find was two distinctively different forms of collaboration so neatly described.
now armed with more vocabulary around collaboration, i am finding it easier to assess what new opportunities are offering me, as i am able to understand the opportunties far better.
consequently i am excited about updating my website, that i’m describing as practice notes, as i’m now not offering a finished thing but an evolving portal into what i’m doing and thinking.
as i’m more centred in my own practice, the orbiting collaborations are making sense and going somewhere too.
i find myself in sweetshop mode. so excited i’m not sure what to do first. i know, i’ll sit and reflect and then go for a walk…
i volunteered to do the washing up today. quite a brave descision given that we’ve been doing lots of eating and drinking and enjoying watching dvds. to accompany me i chose some tangering dream from 1981, their poland work. i mused that i’d been to poland in 1988 with a british council tour. while we were there we had a backstage tour of the opera house in warsaw, i have some pictures of it somewhere.
on the second bowl of washing, i then mused that i’d not visited much the blogs of mine on a n. i mused why was that ?
there were several feelings why not. one was that actually i was unsure what to say and in what voice. since the end of the arts council funded period, i’ve been one of the aa2a artsits at nottingham trent university and i’ve been enjoying some playful anonymity within the scheme, as i play and try to discover a bit more about myself, my voice and what i’m saying.
another reason for not blogging was a feeling that i wasn’t actually making any images. i have been making images and placing them on a daily photo journal site under an assumed name. the images were made because i could and i got to play with digital image manipulation. as there wasn’t vast amounts of deliberate researching and critical thinking behind them, i didn’t feel worthy of placing my thoughts here. i recognise that i have an underlying issue with self esteem and confidence in my own abilty as it was not fully nutured and encouraged while younger. now i attempt that for myself, it seems very much harder as i am aware i am attempting to do it.
connected with that reason is a feeling of authenticity. as i still search for my authentic voice, it has been difficult to come to this place and add words.
so having said all that, it’s after lunch on the penultimate day of the year 2011. this year has had good points and very very not so good point, that i was able to learn from. going into 2012, i feel i have a slightly better idea of the authentic voice with which i can communicate with the rest of the world. i have two opportunities to consider in january and the aa2a scheme continues for several months into 2012.
my hopes for 2012 are that i am charged by the work that i do to come back to here and write with enthusiasm about what it is that i am doing. since the end of the degree i haven’t felt this aware of where my journey is going.
i see that the migration begun in 2006 is still ongoing and through making and reflecting am slowly migrating to my place of authenticity.
i’ve come here to write some stuff about my recent development.
yet again i attempt to write at a point when i feel tired and in need of relaxation and a beer.
it’s ok, i can return to blow my trumpet another day.
