A quiet Sunday morning after an intense … busy … exciting … full … week. I drank my second up of coffee listening to another of Margaret Heffernan’s wonderful Radio 3 Essays on Art and Uncertainty. This one circling around collecting without intentions, travelling without maps, engagement without prejudices. Aspects of this episode really resonated with thoughts that are swimming around … how to give my practice … myself … the time and space that I need to develop as an artist. I notice myself asking the radio how does an artist – in any medium – have the resources to take risks … to work on something … to gather material … to try things out … when there is rent to be paid and food to be put on the table. I try not to get distracted by my response, rather to let myself feel reassured that my ways of being are those of any … every! … other artist.
On Wednesday I wrote the following intending to ’finish’ and post it …
Yesterday’s open lecture at Mejan – Figure and Ground: An overview of Textile Materiality in Contemporary Art, Natasha Marie Llorens – was somewhat of a crash course in relevant references for the direction that my own practice is taking. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to Natasha ’read with’ Julia Bryan Wilson’s Fray … phrases such as ’read with’ make me aware of just how far I am from academia and how very very much I miss it. How much I miss the curiosity that drives the research, that challenges convention, that strives for advancement rather than resolution. Natasha’s language and turns of phrase, like her colleague Axel Andersson’s the week before in an equally inspiring lecture, reminded me that the ambition is always for clarity and precision and it is exactly that desire to communicate something new that can sometimes make it seem elitist and impenetrable. Yesterday though … and the week before … I found it exciting and seductive! I bathed in the glorious sentences that washed over me – thoroughly enjoying being there.
Several of the names mentioned had shown recently and I realised that I really should be more on top of who is show what … and where … and who is writing about it … and where! One of the benefits of being art school is the library and the subscriptions to international art magazines. How does/should one keep up with this when neither studying nor affiliated to a school? I think that Uppsala library holds Frieze magazine which is good … but Art Forum … Art Monthly?
It got late on Wednesday and I neither finished nor posted the above. Thursday I knew that I needed to spend the day doing my tax accounts. It’s not too arduous a task but demands time and attention … I had to speak with online support twice and thankfully they have a call back service. While waiting and unable to continue with the tax return I checked my phone and saw a message from Kaspars in Riga. He wanted to know if I would be interested in being a moderator for one of the summer residencies that he is planning. I excitedly called him and said an enthusiastic yes – hopefully not too enthusiastically! It is of course all subject to financing so nothing is certain but I am very excited at the possibility and that Kaspars asked me. If it works out it means that I will be back at Total Dobze for at least three weeks in July. This is exactly the kind of project that I want to be working with!
As if Kaspars’ message wasn’t enough I also received a mail from one of the coordinators of the Juxtapose art fair who wanted to know if I was interested in collaborating with them and somehow connecting the Supermarket Meetings with their Think Tanks programme. They too were writing a funding application and wanted to know whether to include travel costs for me to participate at their fair in Denmark in September. After checking that I wasn’t treading on anyone’s (the directors’) toes at Supermarket I answered with a resounding yes!
I can hardly believe that these two invitations came within a week of deciding that it’s time for change. While neither is by any means certain they are a huge boost to my confidence and to seeing that there are options … ways of being … that are incredibly exciting.
Juxtapose is scheduled for the first weekend in September which clashes with Enköping’s ’Garden Day’ (always the first Saturday in September). It’s one of the day’s that I am expected to provide a creative activity for kids even though few attend as there are so many other things to do that particular day. It really feels as though the department uses me as a way of signalling that they are doing something without caring if it’s either relevant or appropriate. I had already been thinking that if I get the artists’ working award I would ask to take unpaid leave directly after the summer, now that seems absolutely necessary.
It is at least another two months before I hear whether or not my application for an artist’s working grant has been successful and I have promised myself that I am not going to make any rash decisions until I hear about that. Over the last few days however I have been thinking through … and even talking through … possible options if my application is not successful. And is has to do with investment – getting an award or grant is a kind of investment, in this particular case it is the arts council who invests in a selection of artists – those that they deem worthy of what is essentially tax payers’ money/investment. There is no prescribed outcome required of the awardee, the grant is made without conditions … ’an act of faith’ if you like … which goes some way to explain the selection process and the responsibilities of the jury.
Making the application can be seen as asking for investment – an input of resources (finance) that will enable development, progress, and growth. Nothing though is guaranteed and as we are frequently reminded the value of an investment can go up as well as down, and past history is no guarantee of future performance. So my making the application I am saying to the arts council that I think that I am worth investing in. Do I really believe this? I mean really really believe this? And if I really really do then what I am doing to invest in myself. Can I expect others to believe in me if I do not believe in myself? Can I expect others to invest in me if I don’t invest in myself?
I have in savings a little over the sum of the artists’ working grant. (It’s not actually money that I have saved rather it is the money that I ’made’ by taking the largest possible mortgage and buying an apartment under the highest possible price.). The money gives me a sense of security … should anything happen I have some means by which to pay for a service or item that I might need. What if rather letting this money sit there in the bank I take it out and give myself an award … if I invest in myself … if I demonstrate to myself that I believe in myself?
If I think that the artists’ working award would make such a difference to my life then surely the same amount from any other source would make the same difference – no? It’s not as if the artist’s working award comes with an exhibition or other form of public outcome, nor does it offer specific networking opportunities. It is simply an investment that each successful artist decides how best to use … from what I understand many give up, or take unpaid leave from, their ’bread job’ which is exactly what I would do. So if I don’t get one of the arts council grants why not use the money that is the bank to do exactly the same thing?
Yes it is a risk. But if I expect to benefit from the artist’s working grant then I should expect to benefit from my own similar investment. In fact as it is my own money there is probably some (more?) pressure to make sure that I get a return on the investment.
Many many years ago I heard something about the point of money … if I remember correctly (and let’s hope that I do!) the point was that is should be in motion – it is transactional … it enables things to happen. And I need and want (more) things to happen!
It feels like a good time … the ’right time’? … to invest in my practice … to invest in myself. Yes it is scary but I think that it might well be time to feel the fear and do it anyway!
As I said in some ways I shall hold fire for two months but in others I shall start to plan my year knowing that I am getting, in one way or another, a significant investment that will enable me to really really focus on my practice, on taking the next step(s). And that is very exciting!
I thought that I would feel emotional about leaving the studio in Enköping … but I didn’t, I guess that means that it was the right thing to do … and the right time to do it.
As I gathered together my past works some from as early as 2000 I realised that (sometimes) I make good art – I make stuff that changes how people see things … how they see materials, forms, and places. That in itself is enough. And it’s what I want to continue doing.
The amount of stuff that I now need to find space for at the studio in Uppsala is rather daunting … I am telling myself that it looks more than it is because it’s in packing boxes. This is true to an extent. It is also true that I have a tendency to collect and hoard … certain, but never sure exactly when, I will need to paint something that particular shade of blue again so best hang on to the spray cans from 2008 – does spray paint have a best before date, did it survive the journey to Sweden in 2011, did it survive the winter in that freezing damp half subterranean studio six years ago? I didn’t have time to test whether the paint was useable – quicker to just pack it and move it … I can test it later.
If only it were just those two cans of spray paint! It’s not! It’s all the other stuff too – the traces and remains of various processes and materials, the old artworks themselves, the tools specific to a particular installation … I can’t even remember why I needed a pair of suction handels (the kind for carrying/installing sheet glass or mirror). Will I ever make another installation that requires a small fountain? Will I ever do anything with all those 200 emergency blankets that were pegged out over Årstafältet – corners reinforced with silver gaffer tape and pierced by tent pegs.
I have promised myself to spend time in February working with this ’stuff’ … there is a further round of sorting that needs to be done and a fair amount to let go to be done. These tasks are both physical and mental – and I want to give time to doing them well. Last summer L and I were talking about personal mantras, the two that I contributed were: don’t get it right, get it done; and learn from the past, live in the present, believe in the future. It will be useful to bear these in mind when it comes to organising things in the studio. Definitely time to stop hanging on to the past, negating the present and fearing the future, and not getting done and not getting it right!
What do other artists do with the remnants of previous projects? E makes books from older or unsuccessful large drawings, K simply throws them out … didn’t Susan Hiller burn hers and then exhibit the ashes? Am I being foolish not re-using and repurposing more materials? It would be interesting to hear from, and speak with, other artists who work with installations as well as those who make objects … to hear their thoughts and experiences.
I am applying for a group show that two artist friends have rejected for offering too low a fee … am I doing myself a disservice? The two artists in question tend to work site-specifically and I understand that the ’exhibition fee’ offered would not cover the cost of producing new or site-specific work, however it still makes me wonder. I have not yet made the work that I would like to show there … but that is not quite the same thing as I intend to make the work in any case and am excited by the possibility of having somewhere to show it … and having a deadline is a definite incentive to get on.
Am I being too generous … too positive … naive? I still see opportunities to show in a wider context. A show/exhibition is not a hermetic thing in and of itself. So even if the financial renumeration isn’t great so long as it is in line with recommendations it is okay by me, and there are a myriad of other ’returns’ on my participation.
I have to declare something of a vested interest in this particular application/opportunity. I co-wrote the funding application on behalf of the Uppsala Artists’ Club and in collaboration with the arts officer from the local council. We based the artists’ fee on the artists’ union recommendation. There is a relatively simple matrix for calculating fees based on the number of participants in the show, the type of venue, and the duration. So it would be rather inappropriate for me to complain about the fee, and rather rude not to make a serious application … and I am genuinely interested in exhibiting there!
There is no guarantee that I will be selected – but I will be genuinely pleased if I am. Speaking with another artist friend last week I confessed that I have an unhelpful and unpleasant tendency to diminish the status of an exhibition or institution if I become a part of it. This really is something that I have to be mindful of … and stop doing. I want to become better at recognising achievements … and maybe even celebrating them!
The works that were in the salon show have (literally) just been returned. It was great to be in that show and to have exhibited in the museum – a museum show was on my wish-list. So now I can wish for something else!
Happy birthday dear Project Me!
Happy birthday to you!
So my blog turns 16 and can now consent …
Joking a side reflecting on not just the last year but the last 16 brings up a range of thoughts and feelings. Today isn’t just an anniversary but also the last day of the show at Uppsala Art Museum – another ’coming of age’ of sorts … and a very nice ’welcome to Uppsala’.
Things are shifting … literally! This week I will move out of the studio/workshop in Enköping – there is a lot to ’shift’. It is important for me to acknowledge the mix emotions around the move, to acknowledge what can easily be an overly sentimental … and even detrimental … attachment to things that have had their time. I guess I long for eternity and feel disappointment, loss, even some kind of personal failure when things do not endure … if only I had been better then the studio in Enköping could have been better and I wouldn’t be leaving. And at the same time I recognise that I need(ed) something more in order to progress. It is rather egotistical to think I single-handedly could have … should have! … made Enköping a hub for contemporary art! I did my best, and together with Klas we established a studio where ten local artists had affordable spaces. That I now want something more does not diminish our achievement, nor should I hold myself back for the sake of an old idea of who I am and what I need.
The Enköping studio, and Glitter Ball, got me to where I am today and will always be part of my story.
Why do I feel so awkward about making progress?
Why do I feel so awkward about letting go?
Perhaps it/they have something to do with a sense of security … that weird sense of security that artists need to feel for them to be able to delve in the uncertainty that is essential to make work. An artist friend recently sent me the link to great Radio 3 Essay In the Bottom of the Well by Margaret Heffernan. In 14 minutes Heffernan says so much that resonates and re-assures, she reflects on visual, theatrical and writing practices, and presents what I interpret as an amazingly succinct case for arts funding – how else might artists (across the disciplines) have the possibility of embracing the uncertainty that is vital in the creative process – the not knowingness that is essential in the production of new knowledge.
Tomorrow I am making an application to participate in a group show at a former (seventeenth century) industrial development north of here. The application alone is exciting and challenging – making me both reflect and project … looking back at what I have done and at the same time looking forward to what I want to do. The theme for the show is ’knowledge and knowing’. At first I had difficulty thinking how my current practice relates to the theme – applicants are asked to explain the relevance of their work to the theme. Over the week and in conversations with another artist friend I came to realise that the recent shifts in my approach to making are very close to the theme. Through doing … through making … I am working out how I come to know something … how I produce knowledge … I am investigating the artist’s (this artist’s!) process as ways of knowing.
