Project Me

New Year resolutions …

1. play! … play is like joyful experimenting
2. wonder!  … wonder is like joyful thinking
3. bank! ’Bank’ ideas – deposit them somewhere safe and withdraw them when appropriate. Remember to pay them interest!

These resolutions are more about the attitude with which I approach things than the things themselves. I see that they are a combination of shifts and refinements – developments and evolutions rather than radical change. Over the past few months several things have happened that lead me to reconsider … re-new … my ways of being and doing: not least of course the move from Enköping to Uppsala. I knew that I needed to do it, that I needed to make a change in my environment, but I wasn’t aware of how great an impact it would make … how much energy and excitement it would generate. The residency with its specific peculiarities, challenges, and experiences – reminded me that ’simply’ being and doing are part of the process, that everything is already here … rather than lying elsewhere … and it is about letting it out … rather than searching after it. Friends have sent links to great videos and podcasts by artists and about artists that re-assure me that a certain not-knowingness is essential – is what an arts practice is – that knowing comes through doing. Chatting with other artists at the studio, especially those who are successful with project and funding applications, has given me ideas about how to value and nurture the seeds and tender young shoots of new works.

I have also resolved to apply for things – I would like to say to apply for everything but that’s not realistic and sets me up for failure. But I certainly want to apply for exhibitions, public commissions, residencies, and funding. Making a last minute application for the local council’s arts grant (which I don’t expect to receive) was a very useful exercise in itself: from wondering how I would use such an award – either £10,000 or £3,000 – to realising it’s time to update my website. Perhaps it is my renewed energy and excitement that enables me to see the positive sides of making applications – their requests for both reflection and projection: who am I and where have I been, who do I want to be and where do I want to be.

Yesterday at the studio I worked on a piece that I should have delivered a year ago. I hear myself telling friends that is it so embarrassing to be so late with a work … I think that I am telling people so that I hear myself repeating the confession – implicitly telling myself to make sure that it never happens again. At the same time making the confession … verbalising it and airing it … stops it festering in my mind. Admitting my wrong-doing and accepting the consequences is necessary and (I hope) will enable me to move on aware of, but not burdened by, what I have done. The piece in question requires labour and time, and a degree of technical skill that I strive to achieve but which often eludes me. The residency and listening to other artists makes me remember that art is its own thing – that it doesn’t have to be beautifully crafted though it can be, that it doesn’t have to be understood though it can be, that it doesn’t have to be anything other than what it is … though it can be!

The Day of Epiphany seems a good day for a little reflection as well as a little forward looking … so what did 2022 bring, what kind of a year was it?

There were quite a few clearly identifiable significant and positive events: the show at Galleri 1 (January/February), the show with Enköping’s Art Association (August/September), the Black Holes/Total Dobze residency (November), and Uppsala Art Museums Uppländska Salong (December/January 2023). In addition to these ’biggies’ were other activities and experiences which now that I come to think about it were, and are, perhaps just as significant though in other ways: being nominated and elected as chair of the Uppsala Artists’ Club, being selected as one of four mentors for students at the county’s art school, receiving a project grant from Enköping council (for the residency), on a both professional and personal note – moving to Uppsala, and of course giving notice on my studio in Enköping.

I have to acknowledge that 2022 was then a pretty significant year! Many of things that I mentioned were/are things that I had longed for and dreamed of: a solo exhibition, showing in Enköping, a residency, working with art students, being selected for a museum show. They weren’t always exactly as I had expected but that (obviously) has to do with my expectations rather than the thing itself. I generally find it tricky … uncomfortable … hard … to acknowledge my successes and/or achievements so rather than dig deep and analyse what went well – and in doing so risk picking at what could have been better – I shall leave it there and allow myself to feel a sense of well earned satisfaction. In fact and to be honest I am rather impressed that I managed to do so much while also working half-time!

And 2023 … what I am looking forward to … what do I want to do?

Being in the studio. I see now that much of last year had to do with showing, exhibiting, exposing, so it is not surprising that now I want time in the studio with materials … playing … testing … trying … investing … without expectation! I want to make the studio ready for this by both organising and clearing: shelves need to go up and scrap needs to be gotten rid of. I want to make a place were I can work well. For me this requires a certain degree of order with materials and tools as well as clean clear space in which to work.
Although it will be emotionally hard I am looking forward to leaving the studio in Enköping – I know that it is something that I need to do. I am looking forward to having one well ordered ’functioning’ studio!

Re-engaging with Following Eugène. I am excited at getting in to a research process again. I am giving myself the year for this … I have some starting points and want to let the process unfold in it’s own time and way … doing my best not to have expectations – a challenge!

Delivering a good Meetings programme at Supermarket 2023. My third (proper) year as Meetings co-ordinator and I feel as though I am finding my feet. My ambition is for a programme that generates long-term connections and networks as well as providing space for artists to learn from each other and share experiences.

Getting Glitter Ball going again. I have no idea what this means! All I can say for now is that there is something more that I want to do with the idea.

Applying for things. If I want to do things, be selected for things, then I have to apply for things. In the coming year I want to apply for lots of (as yet unspecific) things … exhibitions, commissions, residencies, projects. I want to do this with generosity, confidence, and integrity (rather than expectation, anxiety, and desperation)! I look forward to a year of learning how to apply for things by applying for things!

Being more professional. Generally being better informed about and more engaged with professional practice – taking my practice seriously without being uptight about.

Establishing myself in Uppsala. I am excited about finding my ways about the city and spending time with friends and artists here.

Yesterday I ’resigned’ from the studio association that I co-founded … an odd feeling … and something that I have been putting off for a couple of months. The end of the year, or perhaps rather the immanent arrival of a new year, seems an appropriate time to do it – out with the old and in with the new … except the studio in Uppsala isn’t so new. I guess that it’s not actually about the studio … it’s about me … about me being able to let go of something that has (had?) been an important part of life but which no longer is. I had high expectations of … for? … myself, the building, the other artists, the town’s population … the majority of which were over ambitious. Perhaps those dreams are things that are difficult to let go … the unrealised potential. And it is easy for me to think that if I had done more, tried harder, been better then things would be different and I would now be the at the centre of a thriving contemporary art-scene in Sweden’s nearest town. Such high expectations!

Of course I am pleased for what I/we did achieve, and ten artists now have studios where they can work … for the time being at least – the council are again making more low-level disparaging remarks about the condition and suitability of the building. Thankfully the new chair of the studios is a very active and determined woman who does not doubt that the council has a duty to find alternative premises if they have to leave the current one.

It’s that balance between dreams and reality that I am having a hard time accepting … is it even a ’balance’ … is ’distinction’ more accurate? Writing now it feels as though ’distinction’ is a more useful … helpful … term, and it is/was the trying to hold things in an artificial/inappropriate balance that has been/is causing me problems. Thinking about things in terms of distinctions allows and enables me to recognise and acknowledge the differences between dreams and realities, whereas trying to keep things in balance is a constant and demanding process – which while seeing difference attempts to find … maintain … that elusive spot where those differences are equal. Suddenly striving for balance seems most inappropriate.

For a while studio gave me what I needed – a dedicated place to make work, a place to meet other artists – both those who also had studios there and those who I invited to show at Glitter Ball, a place to invite in a public audience, a place for discussion and conversation. Things changed though and if I am honest I can admit that I never really found the kind of community that I was looking for. Maybe things didn’t change – and that might actually have been the seed of frustration that first led me to ask about studios in Uppsala. Maybe I did what I could do in Enköping and relatively quickly realised that I was left still wanting … realised that there were things that I could not change – despite my best efforts.

So I have until the end of January to move out of that studio. That is going to be a challenging process – there are so many (currently) unused materials there, not to mention a lot of previous artworks and all those things that I am so good (too good!) at collecting “just in case”. I think that having to make decisions about what to move and what can be otherwise dealt with will be tough but rewarding. It is good to remind myself of a ’mantra’ I came up with many years ago: learn from the past, live in the present, believe in the future.

2023 here I come!

Of course the only way to be an artist is to be an artist. I dislike tautologies but sometimes I need to remind myself of something self evident. On Wednesday afternoon the mentor group for the local arts school got together to talk about our experiences this first term. It was good for me to hear the other mentors reflect on the seemingly two types of student: those that are unquestioningly getting on with developing their practice, and those that are questioning not their practice but their possibility of pursuing it for primarily economic reasons. As Mattias succinctly put it, and now I am further paraphrasing, being an artist means accepting instability. This was really good for me to hear – it is not a surprise … I see and hear the reality of this often at the studio as one or several of my colleagues there are concerned about what do after a project ends, or where they might find some temporary employment. But for some reason sitting together discussing it both one stage removed and in terms of students it brought home just how detrimental and counter productive it is. It begged/begs the questions what to do. Two broad responses came up, one accept that you need security/stability and choose another course/career, and two see it as part of being an artist, realise that the majority of artists share similar concerns and just get on with it.

I find myself currently straddling those two positions – and it’s uncomfortable! I actually feel as though I am standing on ground that has fractured in two and that each foot is on ground either side of a widening chasm. The ground on either side is as (relatively) stable … comfortable … as it can be, the discomfort … pain, tension, anxiety … is generated by the ever increasing stretch. In addition there is the fear … knowledge? … that a likely result is that when the stretch reaches its limit I will fall (either backwards or forwards) in to the chasm. And in doing so I will have a far harder task in dragging myself back and up on to one of the those grounds.

Maybe I should/could find someone to talk this through with – my own mentor! Or perhaps a counsellor … I think that I need ’good counsel’ … someone (objective and even a little distant) who I can speak with. I don’t expect that person to help me make a decision, rather I expect the discussion (with that person) to help me make a decision.

One discussion that I will be having soon (soonish – the second week in January) is with my manager at work. I need to better understand what my job actually is in the current and specific circumstances. I also want to know how flexible they can be in accommodating more artistic ways of being. My former boss appointed two artists, to posts that she created, which I now think that she did as an experiment to see if the council could become more creative. The other artist, Klas, left a couple of years ago when the boss did not (could not?) agree to him working four days rather than five days a week. Bearing this in mind I am not expecting my new boss to be able to be too flexible but I have to ask. It could well be that a local council is simply the wrong place for an artist to be employed, and that I should stop spending time and energy trying to make it a workable fit! Time to stop being a lab rat and realise that the experiment shows that the council can not be creative.

On one of the grounds I see exciting creative opportunities and projects, on the other ground I see security. A question … image? … popped in my as I wrote that sentence: who wants to live in ’(maximum) security unit’?

I really enjoyed the opening last night. The two works look good and attracted attention – especially Nocturne which sparkled and twinkled magnificently. I am coming around to the idea that it would have been detrimental to have also shown the other pieces that were originally requested. There is a strong and simple elegance to the two works that would have been lost had there been more glittered pieces in the vicinity … or even elsewhere in the show. While I am usually a follower of Mae West’s philosophy: too much of a good thing can be wonderful!, in this case they simply wouldn’t have been.

On Saturday the annual visual artists’ award exhibition opens in the gallery adjacent to our show. We should certainly benefit from that and I am glad that my glittery placard Mot is opposite the connecting doors. So from Saturday each of my works will be in the direct sight line from the preceding rooms – I am going to assume that this was a conscious decision on the part of Sara (the curator) and that it speaks of the allure of glitter and the power of what are essentially two quite simple pieces.

I will also admit that I enjoyed attracting and receiving a good amount of attention last night! I wore a silver sequin baseball jacket – a bit of ’method dressing’ – and was reminded of Elena’s response to one of the posts from Riga about not making distinctions between one’s practice and one’s life. It was the first time I had seen some studio friends and colleagues since returning from the residency and it was exciting to talk about my experience(s) of it. Again it reinforced that focussing on my practice is where I want to spend my time and energy. Earlier in the day at the studio I wrote down things that I want to do in the coming year … some of which, given a little more thought, could be expressed as ’projects’ … projects that I could possibly get support of funding for. This is both exciting and scary – it feels, dare I say it, necessary.