Project Me

Almost exactly as I made that last post I got a message letting me know that there are two studios still available at the Hospital and that I was very welcome to come look at them! I read the mail twice just to make sure that I understood it correctly. Yes, two studios: one larger and one smaller.

Over the weekend I spoke with studio coordinator, she was really pleased to have received my application and thinks that I would be a good addition to the artists’ group – I was surprised and flattered to hear that (to be honest I find it difficult to accept compliments so probably humbled something dumb). We arranged that I would go and see the studios on my way back from a site visit in Tierp on Thursday.

So yesterday evening, a little later than expected due to an unexpected snow storm as I was driving down the E4, I met Anna Karin and she showed me the studios. The smaller one is hilariously small – no more than a cupboard with a window and radiator really. The proportions make the room rather tricky: it’s a door’s width and long with a good size window on the lefthand long wall. Much as it would amuse me to have such a room it would of course be completely useless as a studio. The larger room however … is rather attractive. It reminded me of the residence studio that I had a WIP (Stockholm, 2009) which in one way or another played a part in my moving to Sweden. The proportions of the large room and the studio at WIP are similar – another long room with a window at the end. The Hospital building is considerably older, the window more modest, the ceiling higher, and the surroundings completely different but none of that diminished my sense of familiarity.

The studios (as a whole) operate similarly to WIP: separate studios on long corridors with shared kitchens and toilets for which there is a cleaning rota. The studios are sublet from the city council which is also like WIP. One obvious difference is that some rooms are let by writers and musicians (the majority though are artist’s studios). Anna Karin introduced me to some of the artists who were there and had their doors open. It felt good to be there and to recognise kindred spirits. Not that I am unfamiliar with the building, one of the committees that I sit on has its office at the Hospital and if it weren’t for covid we would be having our meetings there, I have also been on several professional development courses in the studios’ project room.

I guess what really appeals to me is that everything that I would like to achieve with the studio in Enköping is already up and running. Taking a studio there would (to a great extent) allow me to get on with my own practice without having to worry about all the challenges and uncertainties that persist at the Enköping studio. The Hospital offers a good ground from which I could actually grow, and I think that being together with other exhibiting contemporary artists would be very beneficial. I also think that I could make useful contributions to the collective projects and events that they arrange. It would be wonderful to be swimming with the current! Doing what I do in Enköping feels more like being a salmon – going against the stream and exhausting oneself in the process.

Over the weekend I need to take a good look at the finances, I know that I have savings that would cover the studio rent if necessary but I would prefer not use them for that. On the other hand it would not be the worst use of them. Today I took a page in my sketch book and headed up two columns, one for pros and one for cons of taking the studio at the Hospital. The pros far exceeded the cons, the only serious cons being the additional cost and the commuting. The pros included being in a professional environment, being part of the city’s art-scene, raising my visibility, collaborative projects, renting from a council that meaningfully supports the arts, the likelihood of studio visits from other arts professionals, wi-fi, open studio events, and not least a studio with proper electricity, toilets with proper lighting, and a proper kitchen.

On Monday I have to say if I want to take the studio or not. I think that I already know what I will say but I will talk with friends over the weekend, and do some sums.

I have made the first move in finding out about studios in Uppsala. This is a big thing for me, I can be stupidly loyal at times and even enquiring about the upcoming studios makes me feel as though I am betraying, for the most, Klas but also the other artists at the studio here as well as Enköping in general. I guess that this is what people refer to as having divided loyalties: eventually a choice has to be made.

I am jumping the gun somewhat as all I that I’ve done is expressed an interest in finding out more about a new tranche of studios (19 in total) that are going to be launched at the existing Hospital Studio Association. Even doing so little as that has awakened a whole raft of emotions and questions … perhaps emotional questions. The most fundamental of which is: what do I do if I find a studio in Uppsala that I like?

I had been thinking about asking about the studio waiting list at the Hospital, and last in Tierp met up with Maria Nöremark – a great artist who has shown with Glitter Ball and who has her studio at the Hospital – so I asked her. ’Perfect timing!’ she said and went on to say that they were about to announce the new studios and that I should keep an eye on their Instagram posts. I had been expecting a quite different response – one of those were someone that you like but don’t really know has to deliver less than positive news. I thought she would tell me that there is a long waiting list and that the future looks very uncertain as the council has found a buyer for the entire old hospital site. (There has been a lot of backwarding and forwarding about possible developments on the site since before the studios opened there. The studios occupy a tiny fraction of the predominantly vacant premises.). But no! On the contrary the studios are expanding and actively looking for artists to join them!
I am waiting to hear back from the studio coordinator – again an artist whom I know to say hello to. In fact I know several artists who have their studios at the Hospital. And in part it is that that makes the prospect of a studio there rather attractive.

Also this week Klas, Ida and I (the steering committee at our studios in Enköping) had a not completely negative (!) meeting with the head of arts and culture, and the head of community projects at Enköping council. We (Klas, Ida and I ) are trying to get some long-term and structural support so that we can develop the studios that we have. The head of arts and culture, who is my manager when I work at the council, is very keen, her colleague more sceptical. This is unfortunate as it is the colleague who controls the purse strings. However she listened to us and didn’t dismiss the idea immediately which we took as a good sign.

And so I find myself taking tentative steps in different directions at the same time.

Of course it is so much more ’just’ the studio at play. As I have mentioned (several times) before Enköping has its advantages – the studio, the gym, work, and the supermarket are all less than a ten minutes cycle way from my spacious apartment. The disadvantages are considerable however – most (de)pressing is the severely limited cultural life and social life that I have here. Becoming more involved in the Uppsala Artists’ Club has made me very aware that I don’t spend time enough with artists. Both Klas and Ida have young families so we only see each other at the studio. I know that some young(er) artists have moved here from Stockholm in recent years, they seem to do it so that they can afford to start families. The cinema shows mostly family or action films, and the few regional touring theatre shows that I have seen here would not be my first choice. I do like knowing a few people to say hello to in the supermarket – mostly other members of the gym but is that enough?

The thought of moving fills me with dread. In the five years that I have been here I have more than adequately furnished and filled both my studio and my apartment. I probably, almost certainly, have more ’stuff’ now than I did when I lived in London. Of course not everything has to move with me – though already having been through one big move I know a little too much of what it entails. And I haven’t even gotten around to decorating this apartment! I promised myself that I wouldn’t repeat what I did in Crystal Palace – decorate to sell – but it might come to that!

My tendency to over-think things is racing ahead. I have to remind myself that I haven’t even spoken with the studio coordinator. I might not like the studios on offer … I don’t even know when they will be available!

The idea of living in Uppsala is exciting, I have to acknowledge that. I do miss the opportunities that the city offers. I owe it to myself to investigate the possibilities of moving to one, and Uppsala would be the obvious choice. I told myself previously that I wouldn’t move again without good reason – I am too old to start over from scratch – a nice studio, an artistic community, an active and contemporary cultural environment sound like three very good reasons.

Let’s see if there’s a studio with my name on it!

Every year as part of my annual appraisal at the council I have to fill in a separate form about my ’other employment’. Along with asking for basic information concerning my name, address, and job at the council the form has just three questions: who is my other employer (I am as I am self employed), what is my other job (artist – obviously), how many hours a month do I do my other job. How I ’should’ respond to that last one provides much to think about.

This time around that final question set me thinking about the difference between me the artist and me the council employee. I do not think about being artist as a measurable number of hours per month. I do not however want to raise anxieties with my line manager, head of department, chief of division, or the human resources department, so I write what I think that they want to hear – that I am an artist 80 – 100 hours per month depending on the length of month. This figure is equivalent to my 50% post at the council (20 hours a week, four to five weeks per month).

This playing along niggles at me. I would much rather write that I am an artist 672 – 744 hours per month depending on the month in question. Yes, I am still an artist even when I am working for the council – that is why I was employed. But that way trouble lies especially in Sweden with the persistence of its old ways of caring for its workforce. This is something that in principle I whole heartedly agree with … that is until it impinges on my way of being! So my ’bread job’, the job that gives me a regular income and puts food on the table, is subject to a whole raft of hard won legislation and regulation to ensure that I am not overworked, unfairly treated, or uncared for. My other job belongs to, depending on how you see it, a modern laissez faire economy or a much older idea of a vocation not bound by notions of ’at work’ and ’not at work’. The reality is that it is up to me to set my goals and limits, and to ensure that I maintain a healthy work ethic and environment. Usually I am quite good at this but there are times when all of a sudden there is too much happening on too many fronts … and this last week was certainly in the vicinity of being one of those.

The major topic that came up in my appraisal was about how and where I should be working in the coming nine months. The recent intensification of restrictions to curb the spread of covid-19 makes it untenable for me to run arts workshops either indoor or outdoor. Previously outdoor workshops were possible and I had begun planning some for late spring and summer when the weather here is more palatable. Statistics show that our online workshops failed to find the participants to make the viable. Over the coming two weeks I am working with my manager to define my duties for the foreseeable future. I find this an exciting but demanding task, especially to start it in the same week that I needed to commit to a sketch for a site-specific exhibition within two days of seeing the site, the week where there were acute discussions concerning issues facing one of the committees that I sit on, and the week where I needed to submit work for a brilliant online exhibition opportunity with relatively short notice.

So far the volume of demands has been focussing my thinking and suggesting simple effective solutions. With most of the deadlines now met I would like to spend Monday and Tuesday at the studio making things … my bread job unfortunately prevents this. For some reason I feel myself already resenting it more than usual – partly (perhaps entirely) because I know that I will be working from home those days. I cannot quite put my finger on why this makes a difference. It somehow feels as though my bread job is seeping into the life that I usually keep very separate. Usually when I am ’not at the office’ I can decide what I do. This is not the case anymore, there are now twenty hours a week when I am at home but not ’not at the office.’ This is something that I am going to have to get used to!

I continue to turn up at the studio, and today it was nice to not know what I would be doing before I got there. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say that I was not already thinking about what I would be doing before I got there. I enjoyed settling in to my day relatively slowly by putting away a few things that I had left out yesterday after leaving to upload some photos that I had promised to send by the end of the week. Recently I have been listening to music in the studio, I have been pulling out CDs from my very modest and random collection, this morning I simply pressed play and listened again to what was still in the stereo – club music from the early 2000s when John and I used to go out and when clubs used to give away CDs. The music must be at least sixteen years old. It is wonderfully familiar and certain tracks take me straight back to sweaty nights on London’s gay club scene. John and I were good at clubbing, John excelled at it and I was quick to pick it up again after years of more alternative and arty nights out. Hearing those familiar beats time collapsed and it didn’t seem so long ago.

When I started this blog I was in my late thirties, now I am in my early fifties. I am in a very different place from where I was then – both literally and metaphorically: I am making and showing more, I have a job (half-time) in the arts, I sit on several art committees, and I have if not the best studio that I have ever had then certainly the largest and most used … I am living and working in Sweden in Swedish! Things have definitely moved on, and yes I can call it progress. It is both exciting and a bit scary that there is still so much more that I want to do. The dreams and ambitions that I have slide and shift between the readily achievable to the fantastically remote and unlikely, some have old and familiar tunes that I know by heart while others are young and immediate. An anniversary is a good time to pay attention to them all, and to acknowledge that some belong to another time and place.

With my year ahead seeming to be more impacted by covid-19 than the previous year it is a perfect opportunity for a ’reboot’. And that is a very exciting prospect!

Many happy returns!

Until about a month ago I imagined that I would standing in Gallery 1 of the Artists’ Club in Uppsala right now. This afternoon should have been the opening of my show there, instead I am enjoying a peaceful afternoon at home – I have just baked some banana bread and am watching the sky turn from a tightly clouded expanse of chilly white to a shade of blue that if it were not for the increasing darkness could seem almost bright. I can hear a flock of starlings doing their rounds before no doubt taking their roostings on the not too distant power-lines.

Of course had the show not been postponed then everything would be finished, installed, and out there. As it is several pieces remain works in progress, I took time way from the studio over Christmas and NewYear – time that would (’should’?) have seen that rush of activity that I am sure many other artists also experience in the weeks immediately before an opening. Since New Year though I have been turning up at the studio pretty regularly – to the surprise of one colleague who assumed that I would down tools on hearing about the show not going ahead as planned. Honestly – I have really appreciated my frequent and slower days at the studio. It has felt like a more authentic way of working than I have been used to in a while. Perhaps I am at the point with these works where I could make fast decisions and quickly get them finished, however with the luxury of time I can now feel my way, pause and ponder, indulge my daydreams and meandering thoughts.

I think that the work, when finished, will be all the better for it.

Actually I think that I will be all the better for it! The postponement allowed me to spend the best part of a week testing different recipes for paper-mâché (perhaps it is closer to what people call paper clay). The tacit knowledge that I gained – I call it a recipe but I could never write it down! – makes me wonder if the material might become something that I work with in the future. Paper-mâché has gone from being the solution to a problem to potentially being a material in its own right . I really enjoyed the materialness of it, and as I recently mentioned to a friend the work in the studio feels more like sculpture than it has done in a long time. I look forward to playing around with it and seeing what happens.

And this stage of developing the material opened up space for thinking not only about the pieces in production at the moment but also that which will follow. My curiosity about the material is encouraging me to explore what it can do rather than what it might be about.

[written Saturday 16 January]