Project Me

I am someone who needs to be active … some friends worry that I never seem to relax, and to be honest I find it hard both do that and to understand the concept of ’doing nothing’. There is always something to do and/or something to be done. I need to be active both physically and mentally. Ten days since stepping down as chair of the Uppsala Artists’ Club I am aware that my mind is now full of thoughts that simply couldn’t find space while my brain was so exercised by all that was going on with and in the club.

Almost immediately the AGM ended I found myself revisiting and developing ideas about Uppsala Open Studios, and Uppsala Art Weekend – two events that I want to see here. Save for a few notes on my chalkboard all the ideas are in my head. A while back, perhaps in anticipation of no longer being chair, I registered that I want to reactivate Glitter Ball showroom & projects. Yesterday after looking at the website of an artists’ project in Sheffield – I had listened to an online talk by the artists currently exhibiting there – ideas about what Glitter Ball could become became clearer … and it’s very exciting.

It’s as if my mind has a certain capacity … needs a certain capacity … so when my mind is no longer exercised by one thing it finds another. It’s exciting that in removing demanding activities connected with the ’greater good of the club’, I find myself focussing on demanding activities connected with the greater good of myself!

Some notes:

Uppsala Open Studios: a weekend (Friday afternoon/evening through to Sunday afternoon) where as many as possible studios in Uppsala are open. The weekend is a stand-alone – that is it is not part of another event or programme. Each studio decides its level of participation and engagement. The Hospital Studio Association will be the lead studio. Funding for a coordinator (me) to be sought from the city council. Aim – to expose our studio practices to curators, gallerists, collectors, and administrators as well as to a general public. Spring May/June

Uppsala Art Weekend: a weekend (Friday afternoon/evening through to Sunday afternoon) featuring exhibitions and events at the galleries, museums, arts venues here in Uppsala. The weekend is a stand-alone event. Each venue decides its level of engagement for example an exhibition opening, an artist’s presentation, guided tours, a workshop, late night opening, anything else that adds value to the institutions existing programme. Funding for a coordinator is needed. Aim – to generate and stimulate interest in visual arts venues and programmes in Uppsala. Marketed and promoted to curators, collectors, agents, administrators, commissioners, gallerists. Autumn October/November

Glitter Ball showroom & projects: an arts projects focusing on early- and mid-career LGBTQI+ and marginalised artists. Develop a symbiotic model of activity/practice. Pop-up events, interventions, programme events including talks, discussions, workshops. Presence at independent art fairs (Juxtapose, Supermarket etc). Uppsala based, active in Uppsala, Stockholm, London and UK … Curatorial and programme projects in other spaces and countries. Brand some my own projects as Glitter Ball projects.  Questions: formal/registered association? venue/nomadic/untethered? membership?

I have resigned from my job in Enköping … and it feels, to be honest, both great and more than a little odd. I am going to miss running the actual workshops – spending time with the children, young people, and families that I have worked with over six, almost seven, years. I have had the pleasure and privilege of meeting fantastic, creative, challenging, inspiring, focussed, engaged, wonderful people of all ages. I am going to miss them … I already have since starting my sabbatical.

My ambition when I took the role (in 2017) was to run the kind of programme(s) that my young and early teenage self enjoyed and wanted more of. There was nothing for the odd and arty kids in my suburban hometown but there were art classes every Saturday at the technical college in a town not too far away. I loved those classes, I progressed from the ’junior’ to the ’senior’ class, and was delighted to meet some of those tutors when, a few years later, I did my art foundation course at the same college.

I really don’t think that it is an exaggeration to say that art school saved my life – I acknowledged this many many years ago. Without that safe space in which I was able to define myself I truly doubt that I would be around today … and even if I was then I would be far less healthy and authentic. Perhaps that is why I was so invested in my work in Enköping, perhaps that is why I found the increasing restrictions so upsetting and so hard to work with.

Part of me (still) wants to continue and to fight for the creative … alternative … other … space that I managed to carve out and make available, but part of me realised that the frustrations and obstacles were out of proportion and that I was putting myself in too dangerous of a situation to carry on. The chasm between the me that ran the workshops and the me that had to deal with the bureaucratic and political inertia was becoming too vast for me to make the necessary leaps from side to side. I was in danger of falling into the abyss.

With distance I can see just how stressful I found the situation, and how I could not find a way to stop caring and ’just’ do what was possible. I could see the potential for truly great things to happen and I felt thwarted at every turn. The ’what was possible’ simply became too little for me to deliver with any sense of pride, integrity, or authenticity.

I am still finding my feet in my new job. It’s a different proposition but I hope that I bring the same commitment and enthusiasm to it … it’s still about opening up visual art … making it accessible … putting out there in people’s everyday lives, it’s just that this time I am working with objects rather than processes.

I am no longer the chair of the Uppsala Artists’ Club! After a less than smooth meeting – the out-going committee including myself were under prepared – the incoming committee had the all important ’constitutional’ meeting and they are now the group with the responsibility for running the association. I am a disappointed that I wasn’t able to give more time to doing the things that I wanted to do as chair, however I have to remember that I was chair of a committee rather than a director of an organisation. It’s going to be interesting to see how I feel about being an ordinary member of the club – I declined the invitation to be any of the sub-committees, not least because the one that I was initially asked to be on was the one that has to find new committee members – which I imagine is a tough ask and time demanding in the beginning of the year – exactly when I am busy with all the proofreading for Supermarket. I was a member of the club for at most one year before I agreed to be on the committee. I am looking forward to returning to this much less active role.

I have learned a lot especially in the two years that I was chair. I still struggle with group decision making and collective responsibility. I find it hard to enthusiastically present an idea that the committee approved by a majority vote when I personally disagree with the suggestion. I am also uncomfortable with everyone on the committee being equally responsible for things when it is very clear that we have very different levels of interest and engagement.

Knowing how demanding being on the committee is I do not want to be one of those members who is full of ideas about what ’they’ should be doing … at the same time I have lots of ideas precisely about what ’they’ should be doing. Part of me wants to be an actively engaged member and another part of me wants to be a very passive member, at least it feels as though I have more control over my level of engagement now … I’ll see how that goes!

If I recall correctly it is the first time in eight years that I am not on one committee or another.

There are things that I want to do but I think that I want to do them as an independent/freelance artist – for example I want to get a city wide Open Studio (spring) event going. I think that it would be much easier and much more fun to find one, or at the most two, other artist(s) to do this with. Likewise an Uppsala Art Weekend (autumn) – this might simply be pulling together information and promoting a weekend where there is already a lot going on. I am interested in doing things that promote Uppsala as a place for contemporary practice. This is perhaps where Glitter Ball could be useful … perhaps I could attend the KNUT meetings (periodic meetings for those arranging artistic/exhibition programmes here in Uppsala) in my capacity as director of Glitter Ball.

But first I need to finalise the Meetings programme for Supermarket, and then get on with the new chapter of my Following Eugène project.

This is turning out to be quite an adventure … I should have been arriving in Stockholm at just about now.  Instead I am sitting at Malmö Central waiting with a frightening expensive train ticket for the 15:07 to Stockholm.  My second, or perhaps more accurately third, attempt at slow travel has not gone well – it has cost me dearly in both time and money.

The train to Berlin was pretty good.  My main concern on that journey was my recently expired passport.  Thankfully travelling within mainland Europe it caused no more than some anxious hours as we approached the Danish German border – nothing happened.

The same can not be said of the return leg.  I arrived at Berlin Central in good time for the 21:10 departure on Monday evening, I was initially concerned that the 21:10 to Mälmo was cancelled but then reassured to see that a 21:10 to Stockholm was still on the departure board.  The information was confusing to say the least the Stockholm train has to pass through Malmö … but who was I to question the logics and logistics of international rail travel.  The train did not appear … Berlin should have been it’s point of origin … perhaps just a little delayed? … at about 21:25 the train simply disappeared from the departure board.  I and several others on the platform started to look around nervously – not staff to be seen anywhere.  We asked each other if anyone knew what was happening – no one did.  We, six of us, ran to the information desk where my German speaking friend tried to find out what was happening … no everything was in order the train had left at 21:10.  Everything was not in order and the train had neither arrived nor left at 21:10 not unless there was a secret platform alternation.

We were advised to run for the fast train to Hamburg where we would make the connection with the train that we should have caught in Berlin.  Leaving my friend – and our only German speaker – the five of us travellers jumped on the Hamburg train with barely a minute to spare.  My travelling companions: a bright young Finnish (byf) student on her way home from visiting a friend in Toulousse, a Danish mother and teenage daughter heading home after a short trip to Rome, and a reserved international exchange student making his way back to college after a break.  They were all on Inter-rail tickets.  I was not.

As we pull into Hamburg we are delighted to hear them announce the immanently, but manageable, departure of the Stockholm train.  We make our way to the appropriate platform 23:59 comes and goes – no Stockholm train.  What now?  The byf quickly found a string of seperate trains that would get us to the various stations that we required, but it would be an hour or two on a train here, an hour’s wait there, a nine minute change somewhere else.  No chance of ever catching up with the what turned out to be the early departing train from Berlin.  Eventually I found a discrete line of text on the train companies website that mentioned that trains departing Berlin 1 – 7 April would depart 19:59 rather than 21:10.  I except the train operated by Snälltåget and not the German rail network was beyond the German networks control but surely Snälltåget should have both informed those us with tickets (they have all our contact information including mobile phone numbers), and the German rail network that they are operating a different timetable. Apparently not!

Did I mention that our merry band of travellers picked up about another 15 lost souls on the platform in Hamburg?  None aware of any change in timetable.  Some decided to find a hotel in Hamburg, others accompanied us along various stages of the route north … we still had a fair portion of Germany and a great deal of Denmark to cross.

So after many changes and a replacement bus service the byf  and I arrive in Mälmö.  Up till this point we have not been required to purchase any additional tickets or pay any supplements.  Things change in Sweden we are both required to by tickets for the Swedish Intercity service – never cheap, especially not last minute.  The byf had a night ferry to catch in Stockholm so took the one remaining seat on the 13:07, I took the almost last seat on the 15:07.  Of course there is no sign of Snälltåget here, and there phone number just rings.  There is a later train to Stockholm operated by them but there is no guarantee that I could get that – my ticket is no longer valid and there is no way to see if it fully booked or not.

In less than three weeks time one of the Supermarket meetings will be about slow travel.  I was thinking how relevant this trip would be to the discussion … it certainly will be now though for rath

This is turning out to be quite an adventure … I should have been arriving in Stockholm at just about now.  Instead I am sitting at Malmö Central waiting with a frightening expensive train ticket for the 15:07 to Stockholm.  My second, or perhaps more accurately third, attempt at slow travel has not gone well – it has cost me dearly in both time and money.

The train to Berlin was pretty good.  My main concern on that journey was my recently expired passport.  Thankfully travelling within mainland Europe it caused no more than some anxious hours as we approached the Danish German border – nothing happened.

The same can not be said of the return leg.  I arrived at Berling Central in good time for the 21:10 departure on Monday evening, I was initially concerned that the 21:10 to Mälmo was cancelled but then reassured to see that a 21:10 to Stockholm was still on the departure board.  The information was confusing to say the least the Stockholm train has to pass through Malmö … but who was I to question the logics and logistics of international rail travel.  The train did not appear … Berlin should have been it’s point of origin … perhaps just a little delayed? … at about 21:25 the train simply disappeared from the departure board.  I and several others on the platform started to look around nervously – not staff to be seen anywhere.  We asked each other if anyone knew what was happening – no one did.  We, six of us, ran to the information desk where my German speaking friend tried to find out what was happening … no everything was in order the train had left at 21:10.  Everything was not in order and the train had neither arrived nor left at 21:10 not unless there was a secret platform alternation.

We were advised to run for the fast train to Hamburg where we would make the connection with the train that we should have caught in Berlin.  Leaving my friend – and our only German speaker the five of us travellers jumped on the Hamburg train with barely a minute to spare.  My travelling companions: a bright young Finnish student on her way home from visiting a friend in Toulousse, a Danish mother and teenage daughter heading home after a short trip to Rome, and a reserved international exchange student making his way back to college after a break.  They were all on Inter-rail tickets.  I was not.

As we pull into Hamburg we are delighted to hear them announce the immanently, but manageable, departure of the Stockholm train.  We make our way to the appropriate platform 23:59 comes and goes – no Stockholm train.  What now?  The bright Fin quickly found a string of seperate trains that would get us to the various stations that we required, but it would be an hour or two on a train here, an hour’s wait there, a nine minute change somewhere else.  No chance of ever catching up with the what turned out to be the early departing train from Berlin.  Eventually I found a discrete line of text on the train companies website that mentioned that trains departing Berlin 1 – 7 April would depart 19:59 rather than 21:10.  I except the train operated by Snälltåget and not the German rail network was beyond the German networks control but surely Snälltåget should have both informed those us with tickets (they have all our contact information including mobile phone numbers), and the German rail network that they are operating a different timetable. Apparently not!

Did I mention that our merry band of travellers picked up about another 15 lost souls on the platform in Hamburg?  None aware of any change in timetable.  Some decided to find a hotel in Hamburg, others accompanied us along various stages of the route north … we still had a fair portion of Germany and a great deal of Denmark to cross.

So after many changes and a replacement bus service the byf (bright young fin) and I arrive in Mälmö.  Up till this point we have not been required to purchase any additional tickets or pay any supplements.  Things change in Sweden we are both required to by tickets for the Swedish Intercity service – never cheap, especially not last minute.  The byf had a night ferry to catch in Stockholm so took the one remaining seat on the 13:07, I took the almost last seat on the 15:07.  Of course there is no sign of Snälltåget here, and there phone number just rings.  There is a later train to Stockholm operated by them but there is no guarantee that I could get that – my ticket is no valid and there is no way to see if it fully booked or not. 

In less than three weeks time one of the Supermarket meetings will be about slow travel.  I was thinking how relevant this trip would be to the discussion … it certainly will be now though for rather different reasons.  The enitre trip by train has now cost considerably more than double – probably three times – what it would have by air.  My trip from Malmö to Stockhollm alone costs 25% more than if I had gone to Hamburg airport and taken a flight early this morning!

For the moment slow travel remains a nice idea but simply isn’t viable economically nor it seems logistically.  In a worst case scenario being forced to overnight in an airport is a considerably more attractive option than trying to find somewhere warm to wait an hour in a small German town at 04:30 on a cold April morning.

I am incredibly and undescribably grateful for my travelling companions – without them I would probably be a nervous wreck wandering Hamburg central station.  

I understand that what one never had one can’t lose … but it feels as though I have lost something … namely an artist’s working grant of about £10,000.  I dared to dream that this might be my year to get one of the awards – several thousand are given out every year – but once again I am left feeling crushed and more than a little defeated.

Only two artists in the Uppsala region received grants – one of whom I know and there is no question that she deserves it, the other artist’s name isn’t one that I recognise but I shall certainly do a search and see what they are doing.  Uppsala is Sweden’s fourth largest city with a good if not exactly vibrant art-scene … what are we – yes we – doing wrong?  Are we victims of being in close proximity to Stockholm … the thinking being that if we were serious about being artists we’d obviously move there, it is only 40 minutes away after all.  Are we guility of not being sufficiently engaged in contemporary practice and debate – there’s not art school here and the level of critical discussion is embarrassingly low.  Are we simply out of context … neither sufficiently urban nor rurally remote enough to be interesting?

It would be interesting to see all the Uppsala artists who applied (fulfilled that criteria in case) and were rejected … what do we do? … is it really so uninteresting?  Even discounting the recent recipients in Uppsala – five last year, two the year before – there are a good few artists consistently producing good work and actively contributing to the art scene both here and further a field.

This rejection comes after a few successes which makes it seem somehow harsher.  If it was just another in a long line of rejections it would be more expected.  I dared to think that with the big project in Västmanland last year, the Spring Exhibition, and the Uppsala project funding, that my fortunes were changing.  I guess that this is a reminder that I can’t take things for granted!

It makes me especially glad that I have my new (can I still call it ’new’?) job.  If I didn’t have that I would be looking at an empty savings account and no choice but a return to Enköping – a position that I realise now was not very good for me at all.  

I am almost literally counting the days until the Artists’ Clubs’ annual general meeting – at which I step down as chair, meaning that I regain a great deal of both time and energy … mostly energy if I am honest, though the time I have given to the club is not inconsiderable.  It is going to be such a relief to hand it over to someone who is not only far more capable but has the distinct advantage of being a native Swedish speaker … in fact a fair portion of their capability in this capacity has do do with language.  I have found it incredibly tiring, frustrating, and demanding trying to understand and chair complex discussions involving eleven opinionated artists in my second langauge.  I know that all of the committee like and respect me but their frustration is also evident … especially towards the end of what regularly turn into three hour meetings – partly due my inability to quickly grasp the subject and reflect our options back to the group.

Not wishing to disregard the coming (and much anticipated) summer it won’t be long until it’s time to submit an application for next year’s round of artists’ grants, I wonder if no longer being on the Artists’ Club committee will put me in a better position to make a successful application.  Only time will tell …