Project Me

I'm dog sitting for a friend and thought it's about time I googled myself – just to see what I've been up to.

I found this text work called i_you. It's a performance text – each word is read prefaced with 'I' and followed by 'you'. It was part of my MA show. I made the piece in 1997. Reading/performing it tonight it seems to say so much about my relationship with John

http://www.ucl.ac.uk/slade/degshow97/mayes.html

Had a good day at the studio – sorted out a few things, threw out some useless bits I'd been hanging on to for years (when did I think a bag of plaster splattered dried out clay was ever going to be useful?).

I want to concentrate on installations and objects this year. The studio isn't really very suitable for the installations I have in mind – they're very 'clean' and the studio isn't! Kim and I discussed this and the subject of drawing kept coming up. In recent years I've kept notebooks rather than sketch books, and the studio has a desk but no wall surface I could draw against. It feels as though the drawings should be BIG – the kind that demand big movements, the kind I'll stand back from, the kind that leave me smudged with charcoal, chalk and pastel.

My installation at Leroy Street needs re-thinking. I wanted to install spy-holes in the floor boards and ceiling. (Those spy-holes that people put in their doors to see what's the other side.) However the floor and ceiling is reinforced concrete – with a thickness of about 25cm. I thought I'd have to carve away a bit of plaster to get to floor boards from underneath, possibly remove some insulation – but major demolition wasn't in my mind.

I really feel for Sarah – who's been trying to secure a vacant shop for an off-site project. Perhaps it's just a London thing but it's virtually impossible to use these 'alternative' spaces. Even if you find a supportive landlord the issues of public liability and council licences can halt a project. I had the same problems last year when I tried to use vacant commercial properties in Crystal Palace. While everyone from the artists through to local council wants to see creative use of empty high street units the shere amount of discussion, administration and financial support required for a three week show make it an unappealing venture for the aspiring artist/curator. Sarah is now looking at putting the show in a gallery ….

Last night I went to the studio to drop off a kettle, radio/cd player and some other bits from John's flat. I've made two such trips there since John died.

Today I hand back the keys to John's flat and his car. Tomorrow I'll spend the day at the studio. I have so much half finished work – and so much of it now seems so associated with the period of John's illness. I wonder what it will feel like to pick up the pieces ….

There is a wonderful sense of calm about things.

It feels as though everythng has happened the way that it should have.

I think I understand what ‘at peace’ means.

John died the way he wanted – quickly, with me and at home.

We’d had a lovely lazy sunday together. After John had been showered and dressed by his carers we had breakfast listening to the Arches omnibus. John usually then dozes through Desert Island Discs but this week he stayed awake. We were still in the kitchen while we laughed at I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue (and wondered how Humph gets those monologues out!).

In the afternoon we watched a dvd that Shaun and John had started on Saturday (Shaun is John’s ex and has been a great friend through out his illness). John was very patient with me and spelt out some plot lines that were apparent with his second viewing! The evening was of course the Strictly dance off (John followed the show avidly, and tolerated my snide swipes at it), followed by dinner and Cranford – which be both love.

John went to bed and had a good night.

At about seven on Monday morning Dawn (John’s night carer) knocked on the living room door and said that John needed me.

John was sitting up in bed and I could see that he was taking very rapid short breathes – like he was on Saturday morning after his shower. We turned him on his side and called for assistance. I’ve lost track of time but an ambulance came very quickly. It arrived at about the same time as Evelina. Evelina is John’s principle day carer – she was half an hour early for her shift but had woken early and felt ‘unsettled’ at home so set off earlier than usual.

The paramedics were great and after a few checks and tests gave me a minute to get dressed and grab what I needed to accompany John to hospital.

As we lifted John on to the stretcher he gave a loud sigh and closed his eyes.

One of the A&E team was a doctor who knows John through a mutal friend. John did not want to be resuscitated and the team did what they could while respecting John’s wishes.

I sat with him as he took his last breaths.

I spent some time with him in a quiet side room. I cried, held his hand and kissed him goodbye.

Evelina and I walked back to John’s place and by 9.30 were sitting in the kitchen.

It all so happened so quickly and I’m so grateful for that. In my mind John ‘went’ while he was at home, I don’t think he knew anything about the ambulance or hospital.

The last few days have been a mix of tears, relief, sadness, good memories and laughter. I listened to some of John’s favoutire cds and found my self crying and dancing around his kitchen.

He was an amazing man and I will miss him hugely.

There is a wonderful sense of calm about things…

I love you Mr Braddonment

John Anthony Braddon 24 March 1965 – 10 December 2007.

John died this morning.