Finished the 6.5 inch embroidery and it’s looks wrong, a bit pathetic, a bit weak – size does matter! It looks lost on the 14 inch square handkerchief.
The trouble is that I want every aspect of my artwork to be significant. Some significant number just aren’t aesthetically ‘right’ though. Do I give up on the entire piece or allow myself an aesthetic judgement rather than a logical one? Being able to justify all the components of a piece is important to me, but maybe it’s not always important for the artwork itself.
I’ve decided that I’ll include some considerably older pieces when I get my photographed (a new year project). Having poor or no photographs of pieces that I like or that are significant developments is bad for my confidence, and has made talking about my practice a little awkward.
Old artwork to photograph:
sewn up suit
Camp – tent structure
Exchange – large patchworsilk plane
Also need to scan some older slides/prints.
Standing Room Guide
I want to be able to offer at least one good image for each of the pieces I’ve shown in the last 10 years. How I can I expect other people to take me seriously if I don’t take myself seriously …
I'm questioning what my practice is and what I want it to be. I think I might be putting the cart before the horse.
The studio has become a refuge from all the anxiety about John. Since spending more (regular) time there I've really enjoy the 'making' and want to spend time developing that. I want to immerse myself in making without thinking about relevance, theme, appropriateness…
At the moment I'm embroidering more handkerchiefs. This time with gold thread. I'm playing with the diameter of the circle I'm sewing – the current one is 6.5 inches. Does it matter where this measurement comes from?
Today I'm using my sculpure skills to fix a crack in the bottom of my bath – needs must! I'm tempted to cover the whole thing in resin and fibre-glass. Must remember that it's not an artwork – well, not yet …
I'm finding the idea of working with an established gallery more and more appealing. Not least because of the number or emails, meetings, conversations, and false starts seemingly inherent with artist led/alternative venue shows.
The fantasy goes like this – I agree the dates of a show in the coming 12-18 months. I make the work. I send a picture or two and my mailing list for the invitation. I deliver and perhaps even install the work. I arrive in the late afternoon. I enjoy the opening night. Three weeks later the show closes. I return and collect my work.
Right now I just need things to be simple. And they're not. Perhaps I'm not as comitted to 'process' as I thought I was. Maybe I just don't have the energy for collaboration at the moment.
I'm really pleased to be getting re-acquainted with Marcia Farquhar. Saw her 12 Shooters last week. It was a brilliant way to catch-up with 10 years worth of performances. Mind you I found it a bit intimidating to be invited to a retrospective of someone I consider a peer…
I've applied for funding to document recent work. The digital images I have aren't very good and as my practice has become more studio based the artworks seem to be harder for me to photograph well.
The funding would be allow me to hire a professional photographer and a studio. I'm inclined to have 35mm slides and medium format transparencies which can be scanned rather than asking for digital images from the start. I understand film and SLR cameras, technology leaves me a bit cold (perhaps that's why it doesn't work for me – see, there I go investing it with some kind of spirit that it so obvioulsy doesn't possess).
I like being able to hold a slide in my hand, I like writing the label and putting it in my slide index draw.
Whether I get the funding or not I need to spend some time and energy getting good quality pictures of my work. I phoned a couple of photographers listed in the back of a-n and hope that I'll be able to use one of them.
My work isn't easy to photograph and perhaps I'm too attached to it to see what needs to be focussed on. The main thing is to be in a studio with good lighting and good walls – two things missing from mine.
Last week the landlord came around 'just to see how we're doing'. The conversion of old depository building in front of our block is almost complete – live/work studios will be nearly £300k. The visible bits of our block have had a lick of paint and it all looks very smart – victorian coachlights around the new brick parquet courtyard. We used to all be 1a Chestnut Road, now we're being re-named Harry Day Mews and we'll all get street numbers. I wonder how much longer we have at the studio ….
It was my neice's 1st birthday this weekend. There have been a couple of occasions in the past year – and perhaps even a few months before that – when I've found myself thinking that now I'm an uncle I'd better get on with being an artist.
The first time this thought came to me I was on my way home one evening. Having never wanted children myself I'd never really thought about how a child would describe what I do. All of a sudden and for no obvious reason I imagine Esme being at school and talking about her family; mum's a writer and editor, dad writes computer programmes, my uncle says he's an artist but he works in a shop a lot of the time ….
And there it was. I say I'm an artist but is that how she'll see me? And why does it matter? Does it matter? I don't really like to admit it but it does matter. It matters more than the rest of my family, my friends even other artists. I want to be successful for her, I want her to be proud of her uncle.
So I reckon I've got about another five or six years … The first one hasn't gone too badly – I've done more in the past twelve months than I have in the last couple of years.
As a single artist (that's how I see myself even when I've got a partner) I got good at living within my means. So long as I was making art I was content – I never really got that bothered about exhibitions (though perhaps that was something I said to make the frequent rejections less painful). That's changed. Not only do I want shows, I want good ones! I want to be taken seriously as an artist so I better take myself seriously.
Deep down I know that this isn't really about Esme – but she's a great totem. Does it really matter if I use her as a bit of a 'signifier'? As I wrote that I realise that is exactly what is she is – a signifier of a future generation! My ambition now seems considerably more arrogant – I want to be signficant to future generations! I think that this might be a good time to end this post ….
