It was my neice's 1st birthday this weekend. There have been a couple of occasions in the past year – and perhaps even a few months before that – when I've found myself thinking that now I'm an uncle I'd better get on with being an artist.
The first time this thought came to me I was on my way home one evening. Having never wanted children myself I'd never really thought about how a child would describe what I do. All of a sudden and for no obvious reason I imagine Esme being at school and talking about her family; mum's a writer and editor, dad writes computer programmes, my uncle says he's an artist but he works in a shop a lot of the time ….
And there it was. I say I'm an artist but is that how she'll see me? And why does it matter? Does it matter? I don't really like to admit it but it does matter. It matters more than the rest of my family, my friends even other artists. I want to be successful for her, I want her to be proud of her uncle.
So I reckon I've got about another five or six years … The first one hasn't gone too badly – I've done more in the past twelve months than I have in the last couple of years.
As a single artist (that's how I see myself even when I've got a partner) I got good at living within my means. So long as I was making art I was content – I never really got that bothered about exhibitions (though perhaps that was something I said to make the frequent rejections less painful). That's changed. Not only do I want shows, I want good ones! I want to be taken seriously as an artist so I better take myself seriously.
Deep down I know that this isn't really about Esme – but she's a great totem. Does it really matter if I use her as a bit of a 'signifier'? As I wrote that I realise that is exactly what is she is – a signifier of a future generation! My ambition now seems considerably more arrogant – I want to be signficant to future generations! I think that this might be a good time to end this post ….
