I have failed. Admitting it is both a relief and shock. I am not used to failing at things but in this case there is no getting around it. It is quite a spectacular fail too – so I feel foolish and to be honest a bit sick. Not to mention feeling embarrassed as I failed in front of professional colleagues.
The work that I was making for a group show has, at the last minute, taken an irreversible turn for the worst and there’s no way back and no time to re-make. All I can do if pull out of the exhibition. I’ve never had to do that before, and it feels a little like I’m in free-fall. I have a hollow feeling in my stomach, or perhaps I feel a bit sick.
I have just emailed the curator and the organiser to let them know how I am thinking. I will speak with them tomorrow, but I really don’t see any other way out of the situation: the work is unexhibitable.
The feeling of letting them and the other artists down is awful, but insisting on showing would be worse and very unprofessional.
So what have I learned?
- don’t rely on small test samples for making something much larger
- don’t be over ambitious on a modest budget and a short timescale
- develop and deepen rather than chop and change when it comes to practice
Was I over confident? Perhaps, as I said I am not used to failure, and certainly not on this scale. Over the last few months (years?) I have found myself promising to focus on a limited number of skills and techniques, and I still dream up pieces that require either completely new processes or pieces that really test my capabilities – why?
I like it when my work has a clean and elegant aesthetic. I always want it to have one, yet often it fails to live up to the image that I have in my head. Usually it comes close enough. Not this week!
I think that this experience has confirmed the need to review my practice. I have a Master of Arts qualification but I do not feel like a master of anything … I have never ’mastered’ anything. Perhaps this a good starting point for the new studio …
* I am breaking my rule of only writing about positive things. It’s my rule and I can, and will, break it when necessary. Perhaps that rule needs a review too!
