Yesterday I ’resigned’ from the studio association that I co-founded … an odd feeling … and something that I have been putting off for a couple of months. The end of the year, or perhaps rather the immanent arrival of a new year, seems an appropriate time to do it – out with the old and in with the new … except the studio in Uppsala isn’t so new. I guess that it’s not actually about the studio … it’s about me … about me being able to let go of something that has (had?) been an important part of life but which no longer is. I had high expectations of … for? … myself, the building, the other artists, the town’s population … the majority of which were over ambitious. Perhaps those dreams are things that are difficult to let go … the unrealised potential. And it is easy for me to think that if I had done more, tried harder, been better then things would be different and I would now be the at the centre of a thriving contemporary art-scene in Sweden’s nearest town. Such high expectations!
Of course I am pleased for what I/we did achieve, and ten artists now have studios where they can work … for the time being at least – the council are again making more low-level disparaging remarks about the condition and suitability of the building. Thankfully the new chair of the studios is a very active and determined woman who does not doubt that the council has a duty to find alternative premises if they have to leave the current one.
It’s that balance between dreams and reality that I am having a hard time accepting … is it even a ’balance’ … is ’distinction’ more accurate? Writing now it feels as though ’distinction’ is a more useful … helpful … term, and it is/was the trying to hold things in an artificial/inappropriate balance that has been/is causing me problems. Thinking about things in terms of distinctions allows and enables me to recognise and acknowledge the differences between dreams and realities, whereas trying to keep things in balance is a constant and demanding process – which while seeing difference attempts to find … maintain … that elusive spot where those differences are equal. Suddenly striving for balance seems most inappropriate.
For a while studio gave me what I needed – a dedicated place to make work, a place to meet other artists – both those who also had studios there and those who I invited to show at Glitter Ball, a place to invite in a public audience, a place for discussion and conversation. Things changed though and if I am honest I can admit that I never really found the kind of community that I was looking for. Maybe things didn’t change – and that might actually have been the seed of frustration that first led me to ask about studios in Uppsala. Maybe I did what I could do in Enköping and relatively quickly realised that I was left still wanting … realised that there were things that I could not change – despite my best efforts.
So I have until the end of January to move out of that studio. That is going to be a challenging process – there are so many (currently) unused materials there, not to mention a lot of previous artworks and all those things that I am so good (too good!) at collecting “just in case”. I think that having to make decisions about what to move and what can be otherwise dealt with will be tough but rewarding. It is good to remind myself of a ’mantra’ I came up with many years ago: learn from the past, live in the present, believe in the future.
2023 here I come!
