Sometimes, that is to say now, transparency can seem unnecessary and cruel. It doesn’t help me to know that the arts council approved 24% of applications for the artists’ working grants when mine was one of the 76% that was unsuccessful. And of course it’s personal – they … this year’s selection board – don’t like what I do, or don’t think that what I am doing is worth supporting. It couldn’t be more personal!
I found out yesterday when I was at the studio. One of my colleagues there got the ward, along with two others at thes studio who weren’t there but their names were on the published list. I am truly pleased for those who got it. For me it raises pre-existing frustrations to new levels. The three that received the award are all good … great … artists. They produce very different work: painting, sculpture, interdisciplinary research-based installation and projects. The thing that they have in common is that they are artists through and through, they are full-time artists that live and breath for their practice. To be honest I know that I don’t do that … I am not sure that I have ever done that. I have always been too concerned with making a living – the artwork comes second to earning money … my focus is elsewhere. And I guess that is evident to the selection board.
My work lacks depth and commitment … urgency.
So do I have the courage of my convictions? Do I really believe in what I do? I honestly don’t know but I want to give it a shot … I want to know for sure. I made myself the promise that I would give myself the equivalent of the award from my savings if I wasn’t successful in my application. Now I know that I wasn’t successful so it’s time to do what I said that I would do.
Even before I finding out about the award I had had two conversations with studio colleagues about needing to leave my council job. Yesterday was my first day at the studio in about … if not over … two weeks, and something about being back there made me realise that I need to be there not in an office in Enköping with pleasant enough but uninteresting and uninspiring colleagues and a no-longer new manager who I am very disappointed with. So time to ask for that year’s unpaid leave!
My hope is that having a year without the distraction, and it is a major distraction, of the council work will give me the focus that I need to see if there is the depth, commitment, and urgency to my (art)work that I think that there is.
Before leaving the studio yesterday I took some stuff to recycling. It felt good to get rid of rubbish that had been collecting in the studio for quite sometime. I think it was the first of several trips that need to be made … learning to let go of what is no-longer relevant. I want to go back to the studio today (Saturday) and put up more shelves, it’s a good day to do it as I need to drill into a stone/concrete wall so the fewer people that I disturb the better.
