Recording in progress

Wow, isn’t time going fast? I’m now in a space, not the one originally mooted but something closer and great for what I need over the next few months. Just getting to this point has required a questioning of needs and wants plus I’ve had som free lance writing work that’s forced me to drop everything to chase a few essential pennies. My project’s set until November (although I reserve the right to change my mind) and I’ve taken the first steps, the hardest ones. I’m being loose about the outcome whilst focussed on the aims, learning a new way of working and getting a feel for the vibe of the space.

Other stakeholders, or accomplices, I should say, are uncomfortably out of reach but in a way this is good as I’m becoming more self reliant. And my learning curve is steep.

The only downside is a personal one, less time at home with husband.

Apart from that, just happily getting on with it on my own.

Another rejection causes me to write, if only to try and get down why. I asked, and got, some feedback from the said people, which first left me angry, confused, then in denial a bit, sad and now confused again. I wasn't very strong apparently, on convincing them how I "locate your own practice within a visual arts context…" and "…within both contemporary visual art practice and the retreat".

Does that mean I should have mentioned a few artists I relate to? I just don't know, and I'm aware I probably sound incredibly naive here.

The thing is, I do try and keep up with contemporaries but to be honest that's a full time job in itself and a lot of the work I find so disappointingly shallow or pretentious it's easier to do my own thing with blinkers on. At least for a bit.

I'm aware I need to spend some time with myself and my work, creating and rationalising, in order to move on. (Insert usual moan here about not enough time, toddler and baby-to-be, blah blah.)

Ending on a positive note, I had fun last week performing with the Wrong Ensemble, the composer didn't even want to explain in philosophical detail what the works we were performing were all about, which I found strange, but like he said, maybe it was serious enough without us getting po-faced and theatrical about it. Definitely the strangest thing I have done and been paid for, that's for certain. And if that has you on the hook, I'll post the dreaded video when it becomes available.

I just lost my post before I uploaded it. So here follows the fragmented half remembered version.

Lack of blog entries recently is because I got pregnant again and the first few weeks were not kind to me so my creative side sort of shut down for a bit.

I have agreed to rent a shared studio space somewhere that's not even built yet but I'm optimistic and sure this will kick start my practice with a new found energy. Plus there's recently been a glut of stuff to apply for so I'm metaphorically sharpening the pencils.

Had a great chat with Christina Bryant yesterday, seldom do I have the opportunity to discuss creative practice with anyone, so going home a few key thoughts popped in.

Like what I'm motivated by. What themes keep coming back. A new one is ESCAPE. I say new, but I think it's always been there, it's just now I recognise it and can name it. Escape like, get out of it, get out of my head, bliss, euphoria. I think that's what I'm trying to convey often in my work. And it comes from strange places like flyovers and twilight scenes. As a child I had some magical fantastical dreams that I still remember and want to make real. It's about wonder but also about release at the same time. Being parent means you are trapped to some degree (even if a full time job previously fulfilled this function). So does everything seem more compressed, more urgent, more requiring of an escape now? I then dreamt my son was holding a box, and there was something trapped in it.

I couldn't sleep last night as so many thoughts were buzzing round, another one came that said are artists people who make real or imagined dreams a reality? I'm sure that's come from somewhere else. But just the sheer extent with which I can now see myself dreaming up new things, no limits, it was very liberating.

I'm going to let that settle.

Just as I was talking about the notion of rejecting everything, while on a much needed break in the forests of Suffolk, I actually had the time to read a newspaper, in which Tracy Emin's column was discussing exactly the same notion. So there you go, obviously I know what I'm talking about (lol)!

Seriously, there's reason enough for everything, and although it took me a few days to handle my rejection from a recent exhibition submission, I'm back on the case writing new sound pieces. I seem to respond best when there's a dialogue with others involved. So recently collaborating with Ian, we bounce back changes to the pieces via the web, for Jack to respond to. This was of working, I feel currently, produces my best and gets me critically working better.

I have also recently realised I have to stop taking on more (unrelated) time-consuming projects. They are just diversionary avoidance tactics, and there's nothing like facing yourself head on to get to the bottom of things. Hope this is not sounding too woolly. I feel I'm understanding my practice gradually more and more.

Another 4am brain awakening. Recently I've just been feeling a funny kind of blank, and I think it's because I'm trying to absorb a lot of information and ideas from the talks I've been watching of Douglas Rushkoff and Richard Feynman. Lots of food for thought about the universe, how things are, the joy of stuff and finding things out, the system of now, etc.

Anyway, at the moment I'm thinking about rejecting context and just doing what I feel, creatively. Yes, I know this may result in some naively-thought out work, but it's the only way I can make work that I personally value, and that means something to me. Of course there will be failures. But it's the only way I can truly do my thing – without regard for trend, historical benchmark or contemporary context. Let that come later, if it has to. It circumvents the ego too, since it's not produced to please anyone else. I'm not subscribing to the "if anyone else likes it, it's a bonus" club, more like it has to fulfill my strict criteria to work, and come from somewhere within me.