Disturbance is a good thing. It creates change and releases energy. I feel like I am more at home at Ashburnham now and disturbed is now a ‘normal’ state to be in. Realisations are rising up like bubbles to the surface and popping. My inclination is to grip on and try to understand and ‘learn’ from each one but it dawned on me this week that in doing that I miss all the others and actually its better to let them all keep rising and bursting without following them up – the experience is much more overall and less specific. I cannot possibly articulate everything that is taking place so in true residency mode I go with the moment and write what comes to mind in the present the rest of it is mine.
My work really does speak for itself to there is no need to justify it. No need to explain or dictate. I feel like I am now steering with my periferal senses not governing with my head. It still feels clumsy and difficult but that’s OK . Most art is seen and written about in retrospect which presents a very sterile and finished view of the work and the artist. I bet all ‘now famous’ artists were a lot more human than we give them credit for. This is important for me as an artist now because I can see that in the process of creating work the whole point is that I CAN’T see where it is going and each step is exactly that – a step towards something and a step away from the last thing.
There is no hierarchy in these steps each piece is worth the same and is as necessary as the one before. There is a constant shifting and sense of movement.
I am trying not to edit anything yet but one thought that sticks is ‘disturbance’ …in Ashburnham it is elemental, the air, water and surroundings move constantly buffeted by wind or reflecting light or simply just growing quite visibly. The whole place is alive, flickering and teaming and I am only a small part of its aliveness.
I am not just starting to make work , I have been making work since I was little, this is a continuum, an ongoing movement. I think its called living.
I am really enjoying stepping out of the rat (art ) race and finding space to be myself not hustled by deadlines or others influence. I think I am learning to trust myself more. Not feeling I have to justify anything I do and using that freedom to let the work speak for itself is very empowering but not something you can be taught. I think you have to live it and be it and keep on doing it to really experience it.
