scope to play

recently my posting here has been around myself and my life – a sign of how i’ve been distracted away from my artistic concerns.  there has been thinking about it going on and experience shows that thinking alone leaves me with nothing to show, nothing to reflect upon, nothing to build upon.

this morning i’m feeling optimistic.

at the beginning of the year i framed this blog round the notion i had made space for me to play.   reflecting upon the next 5 months i might have played – wether i could have played more … the thing is that intellectually i know that play has stages of development attached to it that leads through to critical thinking.

therefore for the play to be beneficial – i’m beginning to ask of myself – am i demonstrating any critical thinking ?

to test this – i can begin a period of play knowing i want to progress to critical thinking.

to try to help with my work progression i’ve been keeping a monthly to do  list, this began at the end of last year – now in june i notice there are entries still on the list from january.  time to review what i have on my list.

work / life balance is important – how many things on my list are potential hobby interests ?

having a connection to nature feels important to me.

acknowledging that i’m interested in technology and it’s use for creation and in consumption.

making from material found in a wood is something i am starting to give myself space to do and am finding the outcomes thought provoking.

simple geometric shapes  – fundamental stuff.

its nearly 10 years since i completed and had shown aesthetic of evolution (2008).

i have a love of audible aesthetics.

i love the potential of non linear documentary and film.

i love being around people, discovering and learning about what they are engaged with, why, what and how.

I read the entry from may. without holding the feelings I had when I wrote them,  the words take on a new appearance. The words are a little bizarre – I’m reading them like they were written by someone else.

I consider a cloakroom where I check in my emotions before starting to write. I imagine a ticket number associated with the check in. I toy with blog titles.

Now seemingly with emotions checked in I have nothing immediately to write.

Emotion cloakroom

An idea for a title.

Arrived at through a process of thinking. Again having checked in – nothing more to write.

More thinking – more emotions developed – more words written – the attempt to plot the process, as a means of recording, understanding, arriving at meaning . To have something to check in.

Unpicking the subsequent actions of why and implications of checking in.

Intellectually attempting to assess if the checking in is worthy and good enough when lined up against other known about works I believe to be held in high esteem. Wanting what I’ve done to be held in high esteem. Realising being held in high esteem is something I feel I need. Intellectually this being about the needs of my small fragile boy self – unashamedly emotionally connecting to wanting to feel being praised for little things – any thing – years and years and years after the opportunity to be praised.

I want something I can never have and can never talk about.

I check in another emotion.

I’ve questioned – I say questioned , it’s been a process of internal questioning of why the creation of expression is so wholly based upon intellect. Why are art works – those in particular that go into becoming the ones undergraduates consider and TV programmes are made about – why are they based upon intellect?

I write that and my perception of the reader becomes one about the reader being dismissive of my previous questiin because of its statement and question based on nothing other than myself and my perception. Did you dismiss it ?

Eight hours later I add this

There’s every chance I’ve been drawn into making creative expression …. Time out here please…..

I’m attempting to be authentic. I”m attempting to get closer to understanding myself and why I try to make / create.

There’s a strong suspicion by myself that the need I sense in me to make something quickly is linked to the fluid and dynamic nature of my emotions.

There is a suspicion arrived at by myself of myself that as a child I felt things deeply and was unable to share or discuss because I lived in an environment where this wasn’t demonstrated or encouraged. As a result I used my thinking as a means to regulate what I felt about things. This is backed up by my memory of my liking of the spock character in star trek – the character used pure logic to understand and negotiate situations .

Bringing this into now – I feel a dilemma when my thoughts turn to exploring more deeply the what is it I want to say question.

This makes sense to me as I’m drawn to making work for others – and I’m getting on ok with this.

I need to insert a picture or something here as a clue to there being a shift in thought about to happen.

I’d like to try to explain out loud what happens – or actually is happening while I try to develop my artistic practice. I can feel what it is I need to do based on all the practice and taking note of what is said by others on the subject of making art.

Art can be anything I want it to be. The problem with this is the reaction of others.

Let me develop my thought here.

Art can be anything I want it to be. What becomes important after the completion is the back story as this is an integral part of the work.

I check in with myself to stop the waffle.

Intellectually I have a problem. I”m too ready to present something that is based upon response to a feeling.

Checking in again.

I need a ( word ) .

There would have been an attempt to describe conditions for realising a work.

I’m returning to my want to try to express something. In expressing it I’ll be working out the way to express something that is internal – a sense of feeling about myself.

Check in again.

The check in are reassures for myself about in wanting to think do or feel about myself there isn’t going to be an external consequence. I’m not at threat as a result of wanting to share something inately inexpressible – a feeling.

Leads to what is a feeling .

There’s another opportunity to place a picture or something here as I want to develop my thinking a bit more and need a visual punctuator to lead you somewhere else.

Nearly 24 hours since the first words were written for this post.

Now nearly fully recovered from working on a museum sleepover, I’ve read my words and see how the comprehensiveness of them come into focus over time.

Keeping the waffle to a minimum I’m aware of how I need to do some things a little differently in the coming months to help my continuing evolution as a person.

I’m aware how I need a .

Sorry I’ve had to stop a moment and take a breath.

What I’m trying to do might actually be best as a drawing – to get out an expression of the things I feel, the things I want to do – leading my thinking someone I’ve not been before.

Another picture please – maybe a repeat of one from the quad thing in September.

An email has arrived from East Midlands contemporary visual arts network telling me how the crit day in September has become the artists peer networking group in June. I can share with you how back in September while I shared about my practice we covered the corridor arts peer to peer meetings we started back in 2012. Today I smile and resist the temptation to view this new group as a copy of something we have done. It’s ok if it as most of the stuff we started as corridor has been copied in one way or another. #flattery

Coming up to 48 hours after the first words were written in this post. Still I’m catching up with sleep after I worked Saturday through Sunday at the museum – a sleep over – a night at the museum.

Physically and mentally I feel below where I would normally expect to be at this time on a Wednesday.

The sleep deprivation affecting my mood and inclination to write – it’s like I’ve taken a massive dose of truth serum. The feelings I have influencing what I write.

In amongst all the confusion I sense a place in me where I’ve collected the things together that I want to concentrate on for the next few months.

I’m beginning to imagine a mind map – one that is the result of drawing and editting , rather than the get everything down version I did last month .

Have I mentioned the job application I have in at the moment ? Probably not actually. Yes I’ve applied for a role at derby museums and await any reply.

The problems we’ve been having with our neighbours does feel like something I’ve mentioned. Both my partner and I are starting to live with an unhappy acceptance of the way things are. Time once again will tell.

My smartphone has been the place where I”be written this and looking at the paragraphs I have a hunch when I copy into the blogging platform it’ll look much shorter than now.

Perhaps an image here as I need to alter the track of the post a bit

I have a need to feel that in my artist practice I am progressing. To do this I feel the need to set a goal – at least one – and set to working to it and most importantly achieve it. Like a slow Mo shot in a film where the character walks calmly through the slow Mo carnage around them . Yes I want to feel heroic.

Another picture

Coming back to the beginning ( yes a bridge reference ) there is the title of this blog – scope to play.

I take time to consider.

There’s realisation of being tight as opposed to loose. A need to set out the boundaries of my okay so I can safely be at one with my practice knowing where and what to explore.

A sense of being able to fail – safely – waving over me.

A smile appears on my face as the realisation of this post being a post my way .

Waffle !

My tiredness has

I’ll not finish that sentence.

About 60 hours after beginning this post and after food I’m feeling a lot more whole than I have done for the last 60 hours.

A diary of 60 hours of tiredness or how my feelings lead my thinking … This post has become something like what I’ve not attempted before. What it is I’m attempting – I hadn’t had prior foresight other than I wanted to add a post in June.

Another picture here please .

Now Wednesday evening about 10pm, the post began Monday morning after reading the previous last post . In that time I have regained my waking self after working on the sleep over at derby museum. It’s taken to this evening to feel free from the effects of the late night, early morning .

What a morning it was. Aspects of the building being lit in unfamiliar ways by the early morning sunshine. Looking out of the first floor window and seeing the staff of the derby ramathon setting and checking the route. Later while sat waiting for the bus to take me home I would witness the lead group of the race go past the bus station at an alarming rate.

72 hours past those initial words after reviewing my post from may – i still juggle review and reflect as words that seem interchangeable yet deep down I know they are not the same.

The haze of tiredness as nearly fully cleared, simply a bit of mist this morning as I wake up.

before i start to write, i’ll drink tea.

i’ve walked around, drunk tea, felt the breeze on my shins and checked on the timer of the oven pyro.  filled by mug with more tea and sat down.

i have a break.

stand, drink tea. pause. sit down.

listen to the repetitive beats.

scratch my head.

check my phone.

i sit.  this time – this time i’ll start to unpack what this week has been like – i will start to expand on the slightly tough time of late.

it was tough until i said to my partner “it’s been tough of late”

we discussed her tough times and we all felt better.

last week i made a submission to a bbc / york university opportunity.  today i am able to say i’m still in the game – more news maybe friday.

i’ve been considering new work.  in making this consideration i have to share that i still do have a fear of what i make not being like i imagine and because of that fear potentially might step away from the idea.  this is not so good as the net result is i get further away from what makes me happy – doing.

i strive for a balance and i admit the pivot point is still relatively unknown and i seem to hit upon it fleetingly in a cyclic manner.

i think back to my mind mapping in april and i reflect that i need to take what i drew and make it easier for myself.

the new work i’ve been thinking about has a centring around my personal struggle with the balance between the natural world and the man made.  sitting inside at a computer on a glorious sunny day, writing words – the thoughts of carving with green wood.  the code of nature – the codes of human.

i have to break my thoughts – get up, pour tea.

my mood was lifted last night with news of a successful submission to a project in new york.  more about that in the coming months.

having a bit of success makes a big difference.  i think i have got too  complacent with my no fear of failing with submissions – quite the opposite actually – i expect to be unsuccessful because that’s the majority result.  yet still i apply.

sense of humour is important to me.  lightness.

random sentences at near the end of a post that i’ve sat down to write and through a personal conflict of wanting to be active and making, responding – have been a little half hearted in my writing.

this about sums up the last couple of weeks.

making words – making marks – making soup – making plans.  after my wobbly week i sort this week to get myself back into a better frame of mind.

its not until i drew out my connections to what i’m interested in i got a clearer idea of why at times i feel a little stretched.  in amongst it all though is my need to be with people and feel i’m involved in something that i’m present and connected to.

i may have talked previously about the two new opportunities that i’m still waiting to get going.

i do have another recently begun connection.  i’m mentoring a young person.  all i can say here is from the training to the actual action there is quite a move and i’m needing someone to talk to from the organisation to help me process what i’m feeling.  this is on back order.

this week has provided me with a forest school session that is firmly on my top 5 most memorable.  it was tuesday – raining – chucking it down.  from the last session we knew there was a want to make soup.  we made soup in the rain – everyone involved loved doing it and it tasted fantastic.  we also discovered how much fun can be had drawing on the under side of wild garlic leaves.  i had a sense of achievement and pride at the end of the session.

the rain was in contrast to the day before while i sat in a field and chatted on the phone with sue ball.  sue continues to be involved with the arts and heritage strategy of the museum of making at derby silk mill.  we chatted about lots of things connected to the project and other life things in general.  i also told her about shimmering place not making it into doc fest.  i wasn’t disappointed about this – i sensed this would be the outcome – if i were to be absolutely open with you.  the thing is though that i felt and those around me felt that the project was suitable to submit.

the submission process being another part of informing how this tranche concluded.

over the years i’ve documented many disappointments connected to submitting.  i’m still submitting – less frequently now – and each time i submit the process of submitting in itself become beneficial.  at a personal level some success would be nice but ‘m becoming more resilient – i’e learnt to submit and not care.

this week saw me making another birthday card for my friend in norfolk.  probably now for over 10 years i’ve made him, his wife and their two children a birthday card each each year.  a few years ago they told me how they keep the cards.  i don’t know if they still do.  i begin to imagine an exhibition of the cards year by year.  my friend will have a gap for his birthday 10 years ago.  jerry hope had recently passed away after illness and i was too distract to honour my card making.

i’ve been using my personal journal more lately to record and try to make sense of all the mixed emotions an feelings happening at the moment.

i’ve finally updated my phone.  when going through the past images i found this one – i love the intensity and looking at it now i find it quite challenging as i’m forcing myself to look at part of myself.  its easy to do when i talk or write about myself – this image holding something i don’t fully understand yet.

well – my last post was a bit dramatic !  i wasn’t feeling too good.  i’m recovering from a self diagnosed vitamin d deficiency and there is a possiblity of something else as yet undiagnosed.

my previous post caught the moment  –  a moment of knowing i need to address an imbalance of work i’m making for myself, or at least sourced from myself.

there are currently two aspects to this imbalance – i mean two trains of thought that are on going yet currently not being regularly talked about.

the being involved with something yet not regularly talking about them is a feature of two opportunities following successful interviews  earlier in the year.  i start to ask myself if its something i’m doing wrongly – am i simply too patient ?  i do know that in these opportunity instances its a factor of those directly involved in the opportunity.

so today i reflect that balance is there – its simply how i look at it.

one of the aspects of practice i’m considering currently is do i need a mask / a persona to set up space for me ?  its something i need to explore with those involved in an ongoing musical based project before expanding here more.

when i do many things for others it makes me aware of me and my needs.  my needs being compromised by inherent mental patterns that are difficult to walk around.

and then there is tiredness.

this is the single most challenging factor to my thinking and being.  even though i know this – when i’m in that space its still difficult to grasp that my view is warped due to the time spent working.

perspective – moment – sleep.

this post is in part trying to reassure readers of the previuos post that i was simply having a bad time – today i can see clearer what it is i need to do.  i knew this last night – wanted to do stuff last night – had to admit i couldn’t and should rest – despite being keen to get things done.

i pause for a sip of tea.