thank goodness for the break.
i’m returning to thinking about things i’ve not had space to consider and the first of these has been the about me on my website. i took the decision to have an about me section as a blog post so i could keep the information up to date and communicate this to my reader.
until the edit the post had been a little abrupt.
in the edit i’ve taken to make it a little friendlier and more informative. in arriving at this i’ve had to make accept and make reference to an incident that has had a huge impact upon my confidence in my practice. i’m not quite at the point of fully being able to talk about what it was – all i can say is that it was something small that rapidly expanded and the existence of this continued to hamper my confidence for some years.
to you i will say never under estimate how the small things you think or do might have an impact beyond your imagination on those around you.
listening to woman’s hour yesterday morning i was reminded of how context of experience influences the perception of the experience.
since last week i’ve been trying to unpack the last few months so i can relax and enjoy christmas – i’ve almost managed this. i’ve not been able to talk about what’s happening for me as it was likely to emerge in a way that was potentially very damaging and i didn’t want an external experience affecting those around me.
i’m being criptic because i find it easier to not talk about something than to blurt it out – i feel i’ve been conditioned by my want to be listened to yet not fully experiencing it.
am i making sense ?
this christmas hasn’t made sense to me. i’ve been feeling tearful and short tempered. i’ve put effort into remaining level and non accusatory.
i think i might need quite specific conditions to feel safe enough to explore how my thoughts are making me feel – i don’t want things to get worse before they get better.
in my written journal i’ve noted about feeling melancholic.
i take a moment to reflect that what i’m doing here is off loading in words rather than speaking about what’s going on. i think its a confidence thing to be able to admit what is going on – if i say it out loud will it make something made up more real and is this what i want ?
linkedin is an interesting space for me at the moment. through notifications i see old work colleague’s profiles. i see their paths as linear, they aren’t providing much evidence other than work stuff.
in trying to do what i do now i’ve had to work through and defeat the mental monologue set up by experiences working in the environment i was in with them.
have i experienced something that has affected my confidence and self esteem and i feel i have no voice about it ?
i try to find links and connections so i feel less alone.
and after some vitamin d, food and drink i’ve reminded myself of three of the mixes i’ve heard this year that have been played repeatedly – their energy lifting my mood.
we are at a time of year that i am now starting to manage the vitamin d intake with the intention of keeping myself from falling into something dark. it’s a little like a tightrope walk as wobbles are happening very easily but with effort i’m not falling off.
something i am mindful of going into 2019 is the notion of doing stuff for me. i’m hopeful for a slightly improved work life balance so i can do things that nurture my soul and doing the things that pay for things. early indications are that this might well be possible.
the important thing for me is to believe in myself and to continue to undo the inner monologue of doubt.
i look through the images on my about me page and i see a range of ideas and interests and a belief in them.
what i’m waiting to happen is for the something that breaks me free of the comparisons that leave me feeling i’m not that good. its the battle to be autonomous yet connected with many people. somehow i’ve set this out as some sort of barometer to success.
fact is i don’t known what my success looks like – its way too easy to be ready to acknowledge what un-success is.
the year began with my connection to the richard long exhibition at the museum and art gallery in derby. when the exhibition and activities came to an end i felt a little lost – like an old friend had moved away and i was unsure when i would next see them. i acknowledge and accept this to be the case.
feeling a bit like a contradictory whirlwind – i am striving to be level headed and happy while still having a critical edge to be asking questions.
i can share with you that letting go here and writing early on about the recent struggles has helped to ease the burden of them.
i’m looking forward to finalising the conditions for the commission with the silk mill for the next tranche of the non linear project as they progress towards making and opening the museum of making. recent events are helping to form my thinking as we go into the next phase of filming.
the skin and bone trio project is still on going and there are still many things to make with wood.
there are notes made about ideas for more short expressions within video form and i have a new piece of kit to give me another option within the creation of footage.
i think i’m chomping at the bit now to get going and immerse myself in something again.
there is a very real possibility that having been immersed for over two months in project work before christmas that during christmas i’ve gone cold turkey and rather been slow to deal with the fallout from it.
it is what it is and it’s all what it is.
i’m working to clear my head and clear my mood so when i am with others i can be fully in the moment in a happy manner and avoid having half an eye on what is to come.
peace x
