Everything is a work in progress at the moment, and that is scary.
I’m just very worried that I’m going to make something that is average. I’ve spent almost three years of my life doing this, over three years if I count my time before this course. For lack of a better term, I’ve put my blood, sweat and tears into this course. I want to show that I can make amazing things. I want something I’m proud of.
Today I decided to look at my work from a different perspective. I have certain set decisions that I can not change. So I set up the scenario of my final piece.
My five rolls/scrolls of paper.
Hanging from the wall.
Five different views of one person.
Five months of one year.
My aim this week was to create a drawing/piece of work everyday. Therefore I would have five pieces by the end of the week, this way I could work with them.
This is yesterday’s drawing, in my opinion it is unfinished.
I don’t have a piece that is any where near finished for today (but there is still time).
Today was surreal. I had three tutorials today, which was a disaster waiting to happen. Two of them merged into one as one of the tutors was late and the other was early. They both seemed to agree on a lot of points and I got a lot of feedback. The third and last tutorial just confused me. I got told everything I should have, everything I was trying to avoid.
I don’t love my work at the moment, that is my most major problem. I don’t hate my work and I don’t hate art or being an artist. I’m just not in love with what I’m doing. I’m often and most happy when I’m in love with the process. At the moment I feel like I’ve created a style I have to abide by and I have no time left to change my mind.
I need to think a lot of things over tonight. Today was a wake up call. It was nasty and unnerving but it was necessary. I had to face the truth.
I need to find the love and excitement. What is the point of making something that you are indifferent towards?
It looks like quite a miserable drab day. Hopefully it won’t be. I’ve realised that I should have taken some photographs yesterday in the nice sunlight, but I couldn’t have guessed that it would have been so dull today.
I finished up the title page of the catalogue over the weekend and I know what I’m putting in the catalogue. I just need to try to take the photographs today and write the text. It should be a breeze.
I started worrying about death last night. It’s something that makes my heart stop when I think about it. I get this feeling I don’t get at any other time.
It’s just one of those things that is inevitable. I’m honestly not afraid of death. I used to worry about it as a child, and I would get told to stop being silly.
Now I feel that through art I am emphasizing my existence. Ever since I focused my life on art, I haven’t worried. Any worry was unconsciously expressed through my work.
I just can’t imagine myself not existing. But through art I can exist past my lifetime.
