I guess at some stage I need to start writing again… GCSE work marked and moderated… depending on boundaries, my best set of results yet… OFSTED departed and the carnage they’ve caused beginning to settle… can’t comment on that at present as am still to furious and can’t risk getting into further trouble…
For a while now, it feels like things have changed. My focus has to be my teaching. Art cannot… hasn’t featured for over 2 months. It’s been a horrendous couple of months… interest evaporated… complete disillusion and a sense of uselessness again.
Is this my nature? Is this a pattern artists and teachers experience? Incredible highs followed by gut retching lows? Where is the level ground? How do I remain in it?
The solution for me has been simple. Art sacrificed; I equivocally know that I need to teach ahead of making…
…bills… security for my girls… mortgage…
…but…
I took my partner to see Robbie Williams at Wembley Stadium last Saturday… her sister had bought us some tickets for her birthday. I’m not the biggest Robbie fan, but I worked at the old Wembley for 5 years and was curious about the new stadium… a work of Art in its own right. What I didn’t expect was a profound experience that has left me questioning everything I believe and stand for.
The first thing that captured me was the vastness of the space. Seated high in the rafters, those on the pitch area appeared miniature and un-life like… long past memories, unconsidered for decades flooded back of times spent in the commentary gallery, executive boxes and previous concerts and matches… thoughts of gladiatorial arenas from past dynasties filled my mind as the huge effigy of Robbie dominated those beneath it…
And that’s what struck me… that’s where the germination began…
Maybe because I was seeking guidance or answers already… my faith changed 16 years ago when a spiritual experience turned around the direction of my life, and I often listen out for answers…
Further huge representations of Robbie’s head where wheeled out across the stage throughout the concert, leading me to question whether this was all ego based… you know – look at me… I’m the star… I’m so much better than you…
The interview in the program explains Robbie’s vision much better than the show. I disservice him by implying he has a massive ego… in fact I think the opposite… he strikes me as being very humble and self demeaning… but… it did start the thought process that now so captivates me…
Add to that the gaping hole in the roof – a kind of mirroring of the possibilities below; the setting sun shining through it, lighting areas that the spotlights didn’t affect, this very lucid and clear picture started forming… it was as if some greater power was peering down on us all and shaking its head in disbelief…
“Thou shalt not worship false idols!”
Up or down? Which way to look?
Crazy?
… this must sound like I’ve finally lost all my faculties…
…but it felt so vivid and pure…
And then I started thinking…
How many religions and belief systems have similar literature? Is this just Christian faith? Surely not?
What about footballers? Political rallies? Cinema? Television? Theatres? Museums? Galleries? Art?
Art?…
Why make Art? Why view it? Seek it out? Teach it?
What are we doing?
Playing God?
Seeking alternatives?
I can’t shake this. The notion of wrongness is very strong at present… so many judgments and assessments made of late. I need time to settle… more time. I need to make sure that I’m making and teaching for the right reasons. Society is sick at present… maybe I am to… and perhaps answers extend beyond and into other realms?
