the first six months…

i’m feeling upbeat this afternoon. i’ve sent a response to a callout seen in a n. maybe i’m starting to find a rhythm better suited to me.

As i near the end of the six months i am hopeful that i am closer to a good rhythm for me.

all the talking to people and thinking about what i’ve heard is starting to pay off.

it would appear however that the more i know, the more naïve i become. some sort of inverse square law of living at this time.

drilling and warmth.xx

i’ve been spending time feeling a little more like i know what i’m doing.

the open dialogue, after a i r time was such good time well spent last wednesday. if you’ve not got to an a i r time or open dialogue yet, make time to do so, the investment in time will be well worth it. i feel with more direction from having space to air some of the things for me, which didn’t make sense. thank you to jackie and helen and of course sally from air, not forgetting susan, hopefully i’ll get to meet you soon.

thursday was leicester. german expressionists and taliswoman at the guildhall, see review for details.

friday-derby arts fringe. the business world have influenced a lot of the world here in derby. they’ve not quite got is as good as they could, they need help, they’ve admitted that. when will the notion of profit be less important than quality of life?

saturday-off to manchester, the women surrealists. well worth a look.

i began this blog not knowing where my path was. i joked that it was for the first six months. i feel that my gut feeling was a good one. as i near the end of the first six months there are possibilities that i’m aware of now. i’ll always have the subconscious doubt, it has been drummed into me since an early age. developments in recent years have made me more aware of it. to continue, acceptance of that doubt has needed to be found. very recent feedback has shown me that what i’m thinking is not known by anybody else, so it’s not something i have to live by. it’s starting to manifest itself in my work, i’m starting to consider future more than past, as my past is actually quite private. in not considering my past, i also not consider history, which seems to be a common practice, otherwise our collective we wouldn’t be in such a state. of course if i was not where i am now, i would still be in the life’s ok, i’ve got money and a home and career and i’m unable to begin to explain how unhappy that makes me.

i think i’m building my own context for work yet to be made. i have started making again, all the inner monologue stuff has been getting in the way of that recently.

and from the open dialogue:

there is no wrong

there is no right

there is no spoon.

and my new best mis-quote:

‘you can’t anticipate the reaction of an audience. by doing so, it becomes design.’

martin creed.

i’m not a designer, i just need to remember that.

tea and need to resolve more.xx

as i prepare for the open dialogue in Nottingham tomorrow, i recover from a period of deep frustration.

the frustration comes from my disability. an invisible disability. one that i am increasingly having to admit to myself just how it affects me.

the disability i have is connected with communication. i might have a degree in fine art, i might be able to talk informedly with another informed person for a hour on the phone, however, being able to operate as a person on a day to day basis is becoming increasingly frustrating.

recent activity with a group has fuelled the most recent bout of frustration.

my in depth personal blog has more details

http://andrewmartynsugars.blogspot.com/

i keep this as a result of beginning the ma. a place of reflection and decision making. i like it as there is no word limit and very few people read it.

the frustration i suffer from is affecting my practice. i need help and support, i have no idea where from. i’m thinking of talking to the arts council person at the air time meeting tomorrow, to ask if there is any dyslexia support available. i probably have to fill in an application for funding for it. i am struggling with how as a visual artist i have to use loads of words to achieve monies to make the work i would like to make. i have heard tell of a group in another county paying two thousand pounds to another group to have their bid written.

words dominate everything, what about me who is disabled by them?

peacefulness and coffee.xx

i’m feeling happier.

the burden of not knowing whether to continue with the ma has been eased by talking with the course leader, we’ve agreed i need some time to sort out my inner monologue. as he said, he doesn’t know what i’m thinking and how it affects me, i’m starting to relax with myself.

once the ma is less burdening, money becomes less burdening to as i’m not having to find money for regular visits etc.

in our discussion, the notion of decision-making kept popping up. i see my relaxation with my self coming from decisions being made by myself.

i’m also becoming relaxed at the notion of others making decisions about myself. the job application, the submission, both i want to get, both i want to hear from. both require other people to make decisions. i can see now if i’m not making decisions about myself, i place others in positions of control over me with their decisions. Intellectually, i know that is unhealthy.

i have spoken with susan today about the open dialogue next week. i have to say susan i really enjoyed our conversation, as i said, what i will say next week will be spontaneous and hopefully from an informed position so to drive more discussion.

i hear that the forums are now running, what a good idea, i wish i’d thought of something like that.

while sorting my relaxed state out, i have not been making as much as i would like to. i am very aware it is very difficult to make work when feeling unhappy about oneself. i’ve learnt this week that the encyclopedie francaise says

‘ any work of art reflects the personality of it’s creator’.

this confirms that i do look at work with a psychoanalytical critical method in mind.

i continue to relax and be in my space and time.

cold feet and hunger.xx

i’ve been out for walk, not on my own.

having got back i’m faced with a mind full of thoughts of doubt and non anger. i know i’m not angry, i’ve been through the emotional mine fields necessary to progress through mid life teenage realisation about the world around me.

doubt is totally coming from having to wait for the result of responding to an invitation to submit to a graduate bursary programme and wait to find out if i will get an interview for a part time job at a local college. a job drawing on my 20 years theatre and event production experience.

i’m not emotionally prepared for this situation. hence my personal self is experiencing some difficult day to day survival pangs.

needless to say i am worried by the prospect of not getting one or other or both. i’ve not put myself so on the line before.

until i hear something i feel inclined to sit quietly in a corner of a dimly lit room, typing about my life experience, not worrying about if any one will ever read it or want me to write more for them.

maybe cinema tickets and cups of tea. xx