the first six months…

i like significant dates. i like dates that have meaning. today being a politically important date, i’ll ignore it and plough on with my own world.

it’ll soon be three months since leaving the completed ba programme. in that time, i’ve shown a version of my degree show piece, filmed another version of the action and included it in a work in progress piece within the derby art fringe.

there are opportunities on the horizon and i’ve even been to see an ma show.

it’s been very bitty. not in a little britain way either.

this afternoon, i find myself with some time to reflect upon what i’ve done so far and how much i’ve enjoyed it all.

if i were tweeting, this line by line approach would be applauded, by those following. that is if they could see my tweets amongst the other 2349 tweets they are following. does that become politically edgy by it’s very nature? god, i don’t know.

if i were to do an ma, i’d need a project, a means to develop personally. if i were to do that now, what would it be about? potentially looking at how the ‘movements’ seem to be about personal development of thinking amongst those recognised in the largest sphere possible as artists. as they’ve gone through all that for us and even the yba’s using the media, what areas of research are we in small sphere of artists left to be able to research? oh – history. potentially discovering about explorers being outsiders and recognising that in ourselves and creating a game from it all. visual art becoming an entertaining gesture. what if the history is connected to location. local history, making that what has been done important again by placing an object of value on a hill.

what of those in the small circle that try to be aware of themselves in the time that they live in. what of those? are they able to bare witness to possible futures? what if a large circle member has already done all that. will the small circle member still be able to make a contribution. agh but there are the keepers of the circles. the keepers who keep. keeping what is beknown to those and mysterious to others. thus keeping entry to the big circle safe, so that the large circle does not become full of people, wanting to make statements and be heard. and as a member of the small circle, the emergence of knowledge of the other place has to be played down as if it’s excitedly exclaimed, heads turn away and murmurs made.

being alive is fantastic. being aware is even better. knowing i’ve rejected where i came from to allow myself to be here now is amazing. athletes get coached on self talk. i’ll stick to making stuff. god bless those in the large circle.

one thing i’ve never been clear about is when to write an entry for the blog. when i’m in the studio, it seems appropriate to write at the end of the session, the day having been played out.

this morning, i’ve woken up with yesterday only now finishing. i watched glengarry glenross last night, the film version. i was interested in seeing it as i’d seen the set of the stage play while doing my placement from drama school at the national theatre, it stuck with me, i wondered what the script was like. the subject of the script seems in sync with the latest economic construct times.

again i wonder about the whole ‘being critical’ agenda that gets bandied about through out the academic process. no one has ever explained it, so i don’t get it. i need it to be explained, the explanation for this is my disability, which i’m still learning to live with.

my response to not understanding what ‘being critical’ is, is to attempt to be playful with what i make. i’ll be able to talk about it. those who want ‘at a critical level’ will be best to explain themselves as to what they mean by that.

the little film currently in production is beginning to take shape; i’ve seen an invitation to apply for a year long ‘critical’ thingy in London. looking at past participants, i don’t stand a chance, so that’s a good enough reason to try to apply for it.

i’m also realising that i can make a commercial web presence and attempt to sell prints from my research for optimism series. which leads me to think that maybe a site will be required to supplement my current web presence.

indeed, i feel some consolidation is necessary, as i head into my third month of being a graduate.

plans to perform this weekend, an impromptu affair, it’ll be a warm up for next week. can’t remember where the measuring string is, so tuesday will be interesting in a challenging way.

cheese sandwich.xx

breakfast today was porridge with raspberries, strawberries and golden syrup. washed down by tea and a ride over to the gallery.

i’d gone to document my piece.

lovely to see others installing, the gallery had much more atmosphere, although i found it strangely off putting. pieces of grand scale are going in, mine is quite small in comparison, if size matters, will my piece be viewed, even though i know it will be as it’s in a formal space for viewing.

i don’t think i slept particularly well as my mood has been quite questionable all day.

the courier still hasn’t arrived with the part for my bike and tomorrow is more invigilating, quite a glamorous existence i feel.

tiger bread and marg.xx

the work is installed, am i happy about it being there? i am, yet it feels very lonely. i’m slightly concerned that i’m in a place that houses entertainment in visual form. is this a good thing, is this a bad thing? my experience by age says it’s bad. my experience by worldly view says it’s good. it’s good as there might now be a broadening of width of the amount of audience who will spend time with visual work and allow themselves to be moved by it. i guess there will always be a hard core of people that just want to see it for what it is. much the problem with work of an assemblage nature.

as i rode home, it struck me that there have been a lot of things coming into existence that are very removed and abstracted from where they began, eg. the mobile phone. i can remember hearing a radio broadcast in 1993 in which it was stated that it was the intention that everybody should have a mobile phone. with all these gripping problems being solved, why does my life feel very disconnected with what went before? do i need a past to underpin my present. what if my past underpins yet undermines? that could lead to pessimistic/optimist confusion. trouble is, in these questions lies unhappiness. to get happiness, shall i look at the future, what is the future, is future a notion, within future, can there be optimism? maybe future simply comes down to personal taste. it could be perhaps said that the personal taste of the designer of the mobile phone, was for everybody to have one. although that’s more likely to be a marketing person. i wonder if my future is down to personal taste of the designers of it… and what of our future…

i was driving around Nottingham, trying to find the gallery, when it occurred to me i had no idea where i was going. just behind that big arena thingy i thought. easy. it was easy to find the big arena, that certainly got me thinking i’d not got a clue where the gallery was.

a check on the phone and a road was known.

blind luck got me there and on foot found the gallery. it was hid behind two buses. i’m assured the buses are only there temporarily.

after a confusing quietness, faces appeared and dialogue followed. reassurances for the quietness of communication and ‘here’s your space’ have moved my thinking forward.

again i struggle with the notion of critical. it was talked about within the degree, i never really got it, a bit like how you can have an intuitive reason to do / make something that then becomes research for what then follows. why didn’t i get that during the course either? i think it’s some difficulty of picking up on stuff, because i’m being told stuff. it’s a defined condition, i didn’t truly realise the impact of it.

lots of good conversation. lots to do.

i’ve had a lovely afternoon out today, as i did yesterday.

out walking i have space to think.

my current positive driver is to do with the notion of future and optimism, both time based and single frame expressions. with this entry is part of the initial research for optimism. i’ll be using my facebook page in this research.

my current negative bug bears are to do with attitude of professionals i encounter, disappointing attitudes. i know i have to work at accepting those which entails an ongoing attempt to overcome the dyslexic side of my personality. in other bugbear department news, i’ve posted the contract off for the exhibition i’m in that pv’s on august 21st. the experience so far has been far from exciting.

i’m annoyed by the a-n site for it’s difficult to follow critical threads of thought. i was very opposed to the degrees unedited resource suggestion as individual undergraduate tutorial experience is personal between those in the tutorial, however i would really welcome a place where a blogger can introduce a subject, like the whether to do and ma or not or what is volunteering like for you. i would like proposing a dedicated part of the site where a thread of discussion can be held for others to see during and after the discussion. at the moment, i find it very difficult to follow how a discussion developed, and it’s useful ness ness as a critical informer for those that follow seems to not be as exploited as much as it could be.

oh i’m hungry too so my mood is affected. masses of baked veg soon to lift mood before going to the pub for drinks in the garden.

the sun’s out and it’s all fabulous dah link.

fakey bacon. xx