i’m feeling happier.
the burden of not knowing whether to continue with the ma has been eased by talking with the course leader, we’ve agreed i need some time to sort out my inner monologue. as he said, he doesn’t know what i’m thinking and how it affects me, i’m starting to relax with myself.
once the ma is less burdening, money becomes less burdening to as i’m not having to find money for regular visits etc.
in our discussion, the notion of decision-making kept popping up. i see my relaxation with my self coming from decisions being made by myself.
i’m also becoming relaxed at the notion of others making decisions about myself. the job application, the submission, both i want to get, both i want to hear from. both require other people to make decisions. i can see now if i’m not making decisions about myself, i place others in positions of control over me with their decisions. Intellectually, i know that is unhealthy.
i have spoken with susan today about the open dialogue next week. i have to say susan i really enjoyed our conversation, as i said, what i will say next week will be spontaneous and hopefully from an informed position so to drive more discussion.
i hear that the forums are now running, what a good idea, i wish i’d thought of something like that.
while sorting my relaxed state out, i have not been making as much as i would like to. i am very aware it is very difficult to make work when feeling unhappy about oneself. i’ve learnt this week that the encyclopedie francaise says
‘ any work of art reflects the personality of it’s creator’.
this confirms that i do look at work with a psychoanalytical critical method in mind.
i continue to relax and be in my space and time.
cold feet and hunger.xx
