As the final degree show approaches, it is difficult to believe that this process has lasted nearly three years. Generally, apart from the blog, the written component is finished and the show is all that stands between ‘us’ and that venerated accolade we call a ‘degree’ (at least, hopefully!). On one level I wonder what that desire for a degree was all about in the first place? Why as a society do we value such a marker? It seems that there are various ‘rites of passage’ that we are expected to go through and that this is one of them. Why do we, as human beings, allow ourselves to be constrained and defined by these expectations and pressures in life?
In some ways I am personally lucky; I am nearly fifty-eight and I do not feel that the rest of my life will be particularly affected by the outcome of this degree. I took it on as a challenge, but not a challenge that will particularly change the direction of my life or one that my future is dependent upon. I really feel for the younger members of my cohort, who I feel do believe that this is a defining moment for them (which it may actually be and probably is….)
Over the last few weeks, whilst reflecting on this, it has made me feel like ‘stepping back a bit’ from decisions around the ‘Final Degree’ show and the making of the catalogue etc. I realise that this isn’t ‘my’ show, or even ‘ours’….. I feel that it is predominately ‘theirs’. Initially, I had quite a few ideas around doing things differently, with a more ‘anarchic slant’….. But I have quickly had to re-assess these ambitions. The younger members of my cohort do not want to rebel or say ‘F@ck It’ to the system; they are fully aware that they are potentially paying a lot of money for this degree and that their working lives and aspirations will probably be affected by it. So with all of this in mind, I have tried to bite my tongue a little….. I have agreed with ideas that have occasionally seemed a bit ‘glossy’ to me and ‘conformist’. But this is not too major a problem and I know that the practice of ‘letting-go’ is good for me, (even though it hurts sometimes and challenges my difficult ego!)
I have made one major stand for myself though, and this was around my two pages in the Final Degree show catalogue. I was given 100 words and a space for a picture. I realise that my 100 words are going to look odd, to say the least, as I have asked for an almost dyslexic jumble of capital and small lettering, outlining what may appear a slightly incoherent description of my art. There is a deeper reason for this, which I feel only I understand! For years I have been intrigued by such a writing style which I have adopted as an inherent way that I wish (at least at present) to portray myself and my work. It is inherently childish and quite mad, and I guess that is how I see my work….. It is crazy and childish, but I like to think that anyone who takes the time will see that it has some depth to it and is an attempt to portray facets of the difficult human condition (at least from my own perspective). Unfortunately, I had to make a stand for this as it was suggested that it was incongruent with the catalogue as a whole. I am afraid that in my 100 words my ego won, although I am still waiting to see if someone will try to ‘clean it up’ and ‘sanitise’ it (for the sake of the many).
I have already been told by a young fellow student that my method makes my statement difficult to read………… I had to explain that ‘ThiS Was aLL PaRT Of My CuNnINg PLaN……
As our final degree show draws nearer and the pressure should be increasing, I find myself really ‘letting go’. My ideas for a large zen-inspired garden installation have been curtailed due to a lack of a large enough space, but fortunately my ideas have always been flexible, with a number of options always sitting in the sidelines. A conversation with our fantastic technician Danielle, opened up a whole new vista for me and it was a little like having an art-based counselling session….. During the conversation, in a flash of recognition, I realised how all of my current pieces told an auto-biographical story of a life changing event in my life. I had not been able to put some pieces together as they appeared unrelated, but after the conversation with Danielle, they all fell into place.
It was probably around 1979 / 1980 and I was employed digging holes in the road for Thames Water in London. I had begun the process of cutting out intoxicants and had started meditating. The process of digging holes (often on my own) seemed like a meditation in itself. I began to watch the wandering mind and would keep bringing it back to the task in hand of ‘digging’ (only to watch it go off again!) Perhaps due to the acts of digging, meditation and focus, I began to enter into very concentrated, contented mental states; unusual perhaps for a young London Trenchman…. I was digging into the earth with the smell of freshly dug soil in my nostrils and I had an excuse to be still in the streets and roads that were busy with pedestrian and motorised traffic. As I continued with my digging-meditation I found myself reflecting on the nature of consciousness; How was it possible that as earth-based and earth-made beings, we had this luminous experience of ‘consciousness / awareness?’. This experience took me down some very strange avenues, but it was a life changing period for me.
My conversation with Danielle (the technician) made me realise that my Degree was finishing with the telling of this story to myself…. big voluminous balls of earth….. earth-covered beings soaring with reflective heads (consciousness). It’s not a linear story with an understandable beginning and an ending, but an internal psychological story re-emerging, ….. a remembering. Perhaps with a flavour of ‘Nachtraglichkeit’ or ‘Afterwardness’
