Threads

I may have some sort of personality disorder.

I am really quite anti-social for an extrovert.

I like to be on my own.

When I’ve had a few days of being out there having fun and being nice and smiley to people, the best thing in the world is ten hours straight on my own in the studio. It needs to be ten hours because I spend the first two fannying about with the kettle and the stuff on the wall, and going to buy biscuits etc.

I think I like blogging so much because I can talk and talk without actually having to deal with anyone. Also, I can leave my hair looking like a bird’s nest, and leave off the make-up, and wear the jumper I wore for the last two days because it is comfy.

I love to be busy and meet new people and old friends and be jolly, and then I retreat. Big time baby. I am in the middle of a grumpy retreat at the moment, only putting on the public face when I absolutely have to.

While I am in this slump/grump I am literally forcing myself to do applications, and search about for things to either get my work out into the world, or earn some money. I growl if the phone rings.

BUT……….

In one small part of my head, ready to turn into fully fired up enthusiasm, is a little spark of joy that keeps me sane, and keeps me going.

Collaboration.

I love it!

I think it is my thing. The conversation between artists and musicians. The ideas that ping about between me and them.

So in the middle of this grump, I ask a couple of people if they will help with a project. I ask in a way that will save face and feel comfortable for both parties if they say no (see, I DO have social skills!) and will enable the relationship to continue regardless.

They both said yes.

So now the little spark in a little part of my head turns into a bright blue pilot light. To stretch the analogy rather too far, I now need someone to come up with the gas so we can get cooking.

Collaborators, bless them. If you are lucky you get a collaborator who turns into a friend, or vice versa… I have a selection of each variety. They are able to spark you out of the dark mood…and if they are a long way away and only communicate electronically, they might not even notice that you look like a cat lady, and you don’t answer their emails right away. So their response is normal. And before you know it, you start feeling normal again too.

(just give me a while ok?)

*************

While I write this sporadically, between mugs of tea that I allow to go cold, I read another blog post, by Claire Manning:

https://www.a-n.co.uk/blogs/writing-as-learning

in which she also describes the slump… August apparently being a popular month for it. Also, she is “post MA” which, as has been reported, is a well known condition that is to be expected. All will be well, Claire!

Weird day.

Probably shouldn’t post on a weird day, in case I say something I later regret. But I’m going to give it a go anyway.

I have angst.

I am in the midst of a crisis of confidence.

I should have known really, you can’t keep riding the crest forever, the slump always happens. There is always some sort of payback I find.

The high has lasted a while though… I can track it back to the last slump…

January to March = job related slump

April to July = New York, resignation, work exhibited across the UK (Kent, Liverpool, and closer to home too) freedom related high, I absolutely know for certain that I am Brilliant Artist.

August to whenever = Feeling worthlessness and uselessness of work, will never earn any money ever again.

Also August to whenever = I have a big idea, but the slump is rendering me mentally incapable of doing anything about it. And I also doubt it’s a very good idea anyway.

In rational moments, I know that this is a cycle, it will all be ok in the end.

In irrational moments, I scan the local paper for jobs at Aldi.

The slump is physical as well as mental. I slump in this chair, uncomfortable but can’t be bothered to move. Blaaaah……..

On a whim, I decided to listen to my “back catalogue” of about 10 recorded songs. Some have been recorded properly, with proper microphones, real instruments and a decent producer who knows what he’s doing with my weird and wonderful sound collages. (Thanks Dan!) Some are recorded from very occasional live performances, and some are just sketches still… waiting to bed in, be revisited and then worked up into something more.

While listening to the song that formed part of my final MA installation (unbelievably almost two years ago), it struck me that it was just as pertinent to the work I am doing now. The lyrics being the inner voice of a woman pushed to an edge. I am going to listen to this some more over the next few days and think about how this piece can be adapted for a new space and new work. It may well be that it is fine as it is…. During the MA show it was played on a continuous loop, but with hindsight, I think I need to give it some space… so that it can worm its way into people’s ears, with enough space, they might fill in the gap themselves, and carry it away with them more easily.

https://soundcloud.com/elena-thomas/keep-calm-loop-elena-thomas

KEEP CALM

Do what I say
Not what I do

Make do and mend
Don’t throw it all away
Darn the holes they won’t offend
Please do just what I say

Do what I say
Not what I do

Keep calm carry on
Don’t lose your temper now
Smooth the creases, iron on
Never start a row/ its not worth it now

Do what I say
Not what I do

Least said, soonest mended
Keep the peace with all
Never give up … ‘til the end
How the mighty fall.

Keep calm carry on
Don’t lose your temper now
Smooth the creases, iron on
Never start a row/ its not worth it now

Do what I say
Not what I do

It’ll all come out in the wash
Don’ t wash your dirty linen in public

The thing about being an obsessional stitcher is, every piece of work takes a long time to complete.

I am still embroidering that first bra. It now has a smattering of embroidery all over it, all the way around, but it isn’t enough. I want it to be totally encrusted. I want it to be really difficult to see the bra beneath. I want its flaws masked and the surface glorious. I am desperate to see what happens to it when I have finished the embellishment and start to stitch the wires in to make it sculptural… so I’m stitching fast.

I also think one won’t be enough. I need more… three? four? seven? or all nine of them?

I think this one is quite me… big, tatty, loud, over-decorated, funny, over the top, with a hint of the Eastern European in its decor. Decorum it has not! It’s a bit of a floozie! I’ve chucked everything at it. It seemed to be right for this particular garment.

It makes me wonder whether, if I do do more, they will be different women? I said somewhere before that the songs I write come from a group of fictitious middle aged women I hold kindly in my head… I wonder if these will be their bras?

I’ve had a bit of blog down time, due to technical issues – all to do with having blogs under different email addresses apparently. This is a sort of test post to see whether it is working. I know that this change-over has been a mammoth task. Most of the comments have been along the lines of how it doesn’t work like it used to.

But I like it. As long as the bugs are exterminated, all will be well. The advantages of having a blog here far outweigh the disadvantages as far as I can see.

So thanks everyone, I know you’ve worked really hard!

Onwards and upwards!